Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I wouldn’t have mentioned anything but instead would have just reduced effort to organise catch ups with the friend.

I'd drop her, she's too unreliable to be a good friend

I think it’s good you were honest with her and her response is really disappointing. Given how she’s responded it’s clear you’re not going to be able to talk things through and resolve this in a way that works for you so sadly yes I think this relationship is over. You can’t keep going as things are and she’s shut down your attempt to discuss/work on it. So you’re out of options. Sorry for you, it’s horrible

She's fkaley and unrealiable and you dont like t. So what if she' sgiving you the silent treatment - she wasn't exactly a good friend in the first place was she?

I do feel shut down, that’s exactly it. I thought we might be able to talk about it. Maybe I do need to give up on her at this point, even though I would prefer not to. It’s hurtful and embarrassing.

She is giving me the silent treatment now.

stick with that and bin her.
She has shown exactly what she thinks of you, why bother?

I would wait a few days and then maybe send a final text saying you are hurt by her letting you down when you had something important you wanted to tell her and then just leave the communication up to her. Don’t apologise or explain over text the particular issue.

It doesn’t sound like she has ever been called out on it so perhaps she’s just an inherently selfish person and whilst she should, she might not realise the impact of her actions.

She has been really caring in the past, and lovely, but this part of her isn’t great. I am beginning to see she is also quite selfish, and doesn’t care that much for other people’s teelings. Up to now I just assumed she was an airy fairy character, which is why I tolerated it for so long.

She's cross and upset at being called out. Probably embarrassed too as she can't deny it. If I understand you right, she bailed on dinner because she found something better to do. She has shown you your place in her priorities; you don't have to meekly accept the crumbs she offers you. You can find better friends.

Thanks for your replies, she does make it feel like crumbs and it’s tiring. I do have other much better friends, but I loathe to give up on her. I wondered if I am mismanaging the friendship and there was a better way - if you had ideas for flaky friends. It damages my self confidence and feelings every time she does this.

shes just not that into you! Disinvest!

She is just one of those people who is a friend when it suits her. She's made it abundantly clear that you are not important to her and is now being sulky at being, quite rightly, called out on her behaviour.

You have no control over her but how you deal with it is within your control. My advice would be to just accept it, learn the life-lesson, and move on. Do not chase her. Never make the first move with her again.

She is like it with everyone so not a personal thing but yes a waste of energy! It became a standing joke which probably hasn’t helped, as it is quite rude to just not turn up somewhere.

I would cut the flaky little shit from your life.

I had a friend who used to regularly cancel on me. I worked it out one day, and it was about 75% of our arrangements that she subsequently let me down on, sometimes at very short notice, even when I’d booked a babysitter.

I spoke to her and told her how hurtful I found her behaviour as I felt I was investing far more time and effort in the friendship than she was.

In spite of her accepting what I had said, and apologising for her flakiness, she did it again. I made the decision to stop contacting her to make arrangements as I realised it was always me doing the arranging. She never bothered again.

Such a shame. Like your friend, on a good day, she was lovely and hilariously funny.

I think you need to be prepared that the friendship is over.

Has anyone successfully managed a flaky friend? Because I am sick of it, and she doesn’t have many friends left, so I feel a bit bad pulling back as well.

Sounds like the same person! She is great when she turns up! If there is empty chair at anyone’s table everyone will automatically know who it is!
It’s almost like she thinks it’s limiting her freedom and her rights to actually turn up to stuff she has gladly accepted, she seems to think she has the right to pick and choose on the night if she feels like it, which isn’t fair if someone is cooking for her etc.

I’m autistic/ADHD and I have a very low social battery.

I dread/panic meeting up even with my closest friends but once I’m there I enjoy it.

So I was going to say maybe she’s just struggling. Making sure she gets to her hobby could be as much as she can manage consistently.

But then you said she dropped you because she decided to go to a gig instead. An hour before you were due to meet.

That’s not a flaky friend. Nor one who is struggling.

It’s someone who doesn’t care about your feelings nor place any value on your time. “Flakiness” is too nice a word for her behaviour. She’s dropped you for a better offer and even worse, hasn’t told you til the last minute.

I think the real question is why you are reluctant to let this friendship go? You say you have other, closer friends. Do the benefits of this “friendship” outweigh the negatives? It sounds very one-sided and you are worth more than that - especially as she’s now cross at you calling her out.

I think if you really don’t want to drop the friendship, the most I would do is meet them in a group setting so it doesn’t matter if they drop out. I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to leave me in the lurch again. Personally though, no matter how fun they are, I don’t think I could continue to be friends with someone who treated me like shit and was utterly unapologetic.

She sounds very arrogant. Can't stand that trait.

Ghost the bitch. Although you may not have to?

Imagine this was your DD in your position and she was being treated like this by a friend.

What would you tell her to do?

Continue arranging things with a friend who thinks it’s fine to drop people at a whim and doesn’t value their time? Or focus on other friends?

Would you tell your(real or imaginary) DD that she should feel bad for dropping the rope on a friend who has consistently let her down?

You deserve the same kindness that you would show to your DD (imaginary or otherwise) 💐

I'm afraid people like that never change OP, no matter how much effort you make and how many chats you have.

She's shown you she has downgraded you to Second Tier Friend..
Silent Treatment sounds good. Block her and stop caring.. She doesn't care about you.

I think people just are this way. I gave up on someone who had been a dear friend but so flaky with me and others in our group and she eventually noticed and asked why I had removed her from Facebook. I was honest and she was very apologetic and we met up again...once. She cancelled the next two meetings - in her case there was always a crisis with someone being "rushed" to the doctor, dentist or vet, and everyone "frantic" - and I just gave up. I also got fed up of making sympathetic noises so frequently to what must surely at times have been fake crises. Better to let it go and focus on people who match your energy.

Why on earth do you want a friendship with someone who is so casual about you? Move on!

She doesn't have many friends because of her behaviour. That's entirely within her control, not an unfortunate set of circumstances that have made her a victim.

You have no obligation to stick with her. Her good points don't outweigh the bad. She can be friends with whoever she went to the gig with.