Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

Her response told you everything you need to know.

I wouldn't contact her again. The ball is definitely in her court now, and given the silent treatment it may well stay there. Someone who is capable of dumping you like that for a 'better' offer and being so brazen about it is no friend and pretty self absorbed.

If she does contact you I wouldn't ignore her but neither would I arrange to do something like that with her again.

With my last flaky friend/acquaintance/frenemy I said something like 'yes, I'm free at the moment on Tuesday for lunch - sent me a text on Tue morning if you still fancy it. If we're both still free we can hatch a plan then.' Knowing full well there would be no text on Tuesday morning - it just took all the fun (and yes, I do think there was an element of that to it) out of it for her. I had no intention of being still free if she did text either.

In my experience people like that very rarely change. I think what bothers me most is people who are flaky or consistently late think it's a cute quirky personality trait so they don't even bother apologising when they do turn up late or cancel, it's just 'teehee you should know what I'm like by now!' - yes, annoying.

Her silent treatment is further proof that she's a bit childish and would probably infuriate me more than the flakiness. Everyone cancels occasionally but I do think people who do it consistently just don't care about your time at all.

No, generally people like that don't change, because they aren't self aware.
They are completely focussed on their 'carefree', 'diary-free' selves and have no concern about how their flaky and rude behaviours affect and upset others. With no problem with being disrespectful and cavalier towards other people's time and feelings. I tried talking to someone like that, and nothing changed.

As I got older, I realised these types really don't deserve your time and energy. Best to stop empowering them to treat you disrespectfully. I will give people the benefit of the doubt a couple of times as sometimes life does throw a spanner in the works, but otherwise no thanks. If your behaviour shows you couldn't care less about letting others down, you aren't worthy friend material. Why would you keep putting yourself in the position of being repeatedly let down by this person, it makes you feel rubbish.

Your flakey friend is rude and entitled Op, you'll do until she gets a better offer then she'll dump you at a moment's notice. She hasn't got many friends, they've all got brassed off and dumped her, it's time you did the same.
When she doesn't have any friends left maybe she'll learn her lesson but I doubt it

You can't manage THEM, but you can manage your expectations and involvement in the friendship.

So from this point forward you have a couple of choices.

One of them is just don't do the contracting or the arranging. You are still friends, but it's all on her terms so if she doesn't initiate contact and make the arrangements then that's her choice.

Another option is to carry on being the one driving the friendship, but don't make arrangements for just the two of you, don't put yourself in the same position again.

My preferred option when I realised I was a mug, was the first one. I didn't do anything other than let her contact me. Which she didn't.

She needs to be put in the “acquaintance” folder.

I’d not bother with her again tbh

I cut off a friend who sounds exactly like this. One day I just said fuck it, and didn't contact her again. She sent a couple of happy Christmas / happy new year messages but after I didn't reply I never heard from her again. It was about 5 years ago now. After a year I stopped worrying about cutting her off, and don't miss her at all now. Life is much easier without having to manage her flakiness and moodiness.

Drop the rope.

If she's meant to be in your life she will be, but I suspect she won't be that big a loss.

I think we all have the same friend! I have dropped her.

This isn’t about her flakiness. It’s about the fact that she has reacted badly when you told her how you felt. A good friend wouldn’t have done that. Ditch her.

Sadly she just doesn't value your friendship or her friends as she should.

She would have known that she was going to the gig in town and only bothered to cancel on your own arrangements with very short notice.

She prioritises what she wants to do at the last minute, even though she will have decided beforehand which social engagement to go to.

She has no compunction in letting other people down and just deciding on a whim which offer she thinks is the best for her at any given time.

Friends really do not behave like this. Now she is cross with you which is completely misplaced and terribly ironic as you should be cross with her not the other way round.

I would distance myself from this faux friendship.

You really shouldn't feel bad - this is all on her and please don't let this be good enough for you.

I would delete her number (not block her), so if you're tempted to contact her you can't. Match effort (as per my suggestion above about only firming up plans an hour or so before (and letting her do all the chasing there) and not even pencilling anything in before that) if she does contact you. Only stop deleting her number when she's had a good run of not flaking on you [unlikely to happen but...].

I would go back now and say to her she is now being childish in giving you the cold shoulder and that perhaps the friendship has run its course. You hope she will have a happy life

I would the. Focus on people who don’t let me down

That is it, the flakiness is one thing but her reaction to me telling how it feels to be on the receiving end has really upset me. Does she expect me to be a complete mug and put up with it?

I am not the ghosting type, so I have sent a message to say I am pulling back because our time together doesn’t feel that important to her, and that’s fine she can prioritise what she wants but I won’t be organising anything else.

I have just got a reply with a long list of her latest traumas - stuff no one knew about - and she has clearly told another friend as they have just messaged me to say I am being insensitive and was I not aware of her problems?!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 What a manipulative thing to do to make me look bad to other people!

This has been an issue for decades…

Text the other friend and say 'well, obviously fucking not'.

It sounds like you are a lot keener on her than she is on you. If she's giving you the silent treatment just let her go as she's really not worth it. Her values are way different to yours. If or when she ever makes contact with you again you need to tell her what you expect from her and if she can't oblige just move on to someone who is worthy of you. FYI I was in a similar position 5 years ago, we didn't see each other for ages but now are good friends. She understands how our relationship needs to work.

Don't message her again. Don't chase her. She's not a good friend.

Agree disinvest. Do not chase her. Thats not a friend in my eyes. I let go of a few flakes just all one sided efforts!!

Having stuff going on in your own life, traumatic or not, doesn’t mean you can make arrangements with a friend then let them down at the last minute because you get a better offer. She sounds very selfish.

Op understand that your friend can be lovely and also it feels hard like you say that she has not many friends left due to the flakiness .
I too feel exactly the same about a mate of mine - and I too domt know what to do !
My friend is absolutely lovely- funny , caring , great hostess .. when she wants to be / is in that mindset.
The otherside is the history of getting her husband ro ring sometimes an hour before and say she is ill .
I never know if it’s social anxiety or cant be bothered- I guess sometimes she will be ill genuinely - but aa its been the ‘ reason’ so many times - its hard to actually believe now- when she could be ill .
the issue i have is i feel i cant question it - that she is ill .

She does not work and i wonder if its that ahe gets unused to having appts or something- its feels lazy or anxiety.
Its difficult being in this position op - I do understand !

Good riddance!

Shes not someone that I would call a friend

I'd reply to the other friend:

Was it her problems and trauma that made her go to the gig instead of meeting me?

First of all you’d only be insensitive if she cancelled due to needing to sort things out… she went to a gig!!

Second, your other pals getting involved making you feel bad… they do realise she cancelled for a gig. Not because she’s at home crying.

Ditch your mates and miss flake