Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

Say nothing, to any of them, on the group chat or privately. At the very least, it will keep you from saying anything that might be misinterpreted. But mostly, it’ll save you the drama - and when they all suffer the same fate, one by one, which they 100% will if they don’t pander to her at all times, they’ll understand why you stayed quiet and rose above it.

I have a friend who regularly cancels on me. She is a school friend so I've known her a very long time and I'm not willing to let the friendship drop but it is incredibly annoying! For my friend there is a component of mental health issues.

I manage it by either making last minute plans (get cancelled less) and for low-stakes things (wander and coffee) as those are less irritating when they get cancelled. I will only meet with my kids somewhere child friendly (so they still have a good time if she doesn't show). I will only book tickets etc with her either to somewhere I would go alone, or with other friends included. I no longer cook for her etc as I've wasted ingredients too many times. I no longer plan things that need a babysitter for the same reason.

It's quite restrictive but is the only sustainable way to do it for me without losing the friendship.

I agree.

I wouldn’t have laid it out that as you’ve forced her hand, and now she’s biting back, as I would expect. Just the act of formalising/announcing the stepping back has now created a drama situation.

If you’d just let it be, the distance would have grown naturally. You had already told her how you felt about it, so it’s not as if you were ghosting her out of the blue or randomly.

Not everything needs a response. Quiet or low contact is an equally valid response.

Oh dear. This is pretty classic covert narcissistic behaviour - she is pitching herself as the victim.

It's up to you how you want to handle this. My inclination would be go direct:

"Friend - I'm sorry you're having such a tough time - I wish you'd told us so that we could have supported you more fully. Ultimately, all I knew was that, not for the firs ttime, you cancelled on me at very short notice to do something else that was apparently more fun. I kept that evening free for you and was disappointed you werent there."

Or you could message each of these wmoen directly, politely, but firmly making it clear that you called her out for yet again ditching you at short notice and while you're sorry she's having a tough time, it didn't excuse the behaviour.

But I'm afraid to say that until the others start to bear the brunt of this behaviour (and they will - covert narcissists, sadly, almost always seem to end up entirely alone having eventually burnt relationships with everyone around them), they are likely to continue to respond based on what they see - which is someone who is struggling and upset and hurt.

She's not your friend. Handle the group chat by posting on it too - oh no XX I'm so sorry to hear you think that people think that. Sorry to hear you are having personal problems too. We are all here to support you.

Fake suck up.

Then beat her at her own game- message the others - oh no, I'm sorry XX is so upset by what I said to her. I confronted her about a last minute drop out of a catch up to go to a gig - I was really upset and realised this is a frequent occurrence so spoke to her about it. But now she's upset - what do I do?!

Fake sympathy. Then in reality, drop her.

I personally disagree wit hthis. I think these relationships are, sadly, doomed. But I think when you say nothing, this will be interpreted as you being embarassed or being a bitch.And it will eat you up that these people don't know the truth and/or that they took her side.

Having said that, accept that whatever you say is you just putting your line in the sand down, it won't actually CHANge anything.

She's not your friend. Handle the group chat by posting on it too - oh no XX I'm so sorry to hear you think that people think that. Sorry to hear you are having personal problems too. We are all here to support you.

Fake suck up.

Then beat her at her own game- message the others - oh no, I'm sorry XX is so upset by what I said to her. I confronted her about a last minute drop out of a catch up to go to a gig - I was really upset and realised this is a frequent occurrence so spoke to her about it. But now she's upset - what do I do?!

Fake sympathy. Then in reality, drop her.

She's not your friend. Handle the group chat by posting on it too - oh no XX I'm so sorry to hear you think that people think that. Sorry to hear you are having personal problems too. We are all here to support you.

Fake suck up.

Then beat her at her own game- message the others - oh no, I'm sorry XX is so upset by what I said to her. I confronted her about a last minute drop out of a catch up to go to a gig - I was really upset and realised this is a frequent occurrence so spoke to her about it. But now she's upset - what do I do?!

Fake sympathy. Then in reality, drop her. Just make sure you do your PR campaign around it to show you're caring. Then in person with your friends you can individually address the situation as needed and set out the reality that actually you feel you might need to step back from meeting flakey friend for a while.

She's not your friend. Handle the group chat by posting on it too - oh no XX I'm so sorry to hear you think that people think that. Sorry to hear you are having personal problems too. We are all here to support you.

Fake suck up.

Then beat her at her own game- message the others - oh no, I'm sorry XX is so upset by what I said to her. I confronted her about a last minute drop out of a catch up to go to a gig - I was really upset and realised this is a frequent occurrence so spoke to her about it. But now she's upset - what do I do?!

Fake sympathy. Then in reality, drop her. Just make sure you do your PR campaign around it to show you're caring. Then in person with your friends you can individually address the situation as needed and set out the reality that actually you feel you might need to step back from meeting flakey friend for a while.

Sounds like a one sided friendship, time to walk away.

Message that you hope the concert helped to distract her a little.

The silent treatment is unacceptable behaviour IMO. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone with this level of immaturity and disrespect.

That is both devious and brilliant.

We didn’t even know about her df, this the first I have heard of it. I have posted a message of sympathy as suggested upthread. Not sure how to deal with the other messages asking who has upset her, clearly it’s me.

Her dad has cancer and she thinks that's a reason to stand someone up for a meal and go to a gig instead? If she said she had to go to see him in hospital or go to his house to take care of him or stay in to batch cook for him, those would be good reasons for her to cancel, but not a gig.

The fact she is behaving like this means the friensship is over for me. Now I am just trying to salvage the group of friends I have and their view of me. This feels really stressful. I should be able to say to her I find her flakiness difficult without her resorting to this! Wth!

I managed my flaky friend by no longer making plans with them or caring if they came to group events.

Exactly. She didn’t say she was going to the hospital to see her sick df, clearly I would never have minded under those circumstances and probably offered to go with her. I can’t believe she has done this.

I think the only thing to do with people who over-promise, or who are too busy to meet up or don’t like / struggle with going out for whatever reason, is to always let them make the first move and not to plan anything with them unless you have a contingency plan in place if they can’t make it.

Then the pressure is off on both sides.

I say own it.
I suspect it’s me that’s upset the flake as I expressed my disappointment last night that she cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she was wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I know about her father I would have handled the situation more sensitively but I had no idea.

But you say everyone knows what she's like, so why are they pinning this on you now?

Maybe I should say this. Thank you. I am feeling quite paralysed as I didn’t see this coming. I am worried they are going to think poorly of me.

That's a perfect response.

It’s factual and fair. If anyone reads that and thinks you were being unfair then they aren’t really friends worth having.

This group are especially open hearted and tend to make excuses for her. Our other friends have dropped out of sight and she no longer gets invited to anything. This is our village group and she is well regarded because of the years we have all known each other for. They seem to think she means well but can’t help it. I beg to differ now. Things will be very awkward if this isn’t contained as it’s a very small place 😬