Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

You are finally seeing the REAL her.

She is a Class A bitch.

Send that message.

Do not allow her to control the narrative.

She is depending on you being a doormat as you have been all along.

Show your steel.

You have nothing to lose.

The friendship is over.

I think this is good. I'd edit slightly:

I suspect it’s me that’s upset the flake as I expressed my disappointment last night that she cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she was wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I know about her father, I might not have said anything right then, but I didn't and I was upset to be let down again.

My version is a bit less conciliatory though, I accept that.

I’d still think she was a dick tbh. You can’t give sympathy if you don’t know about something and she cancelled to go to a gig so her father’s sickness is actually irrelevant as she didn’t go with him did she. It’s also been going on for years. I’m also suspicious she’s made it up honestly. Using it to stir up shit and manipulate leaves a really nasty taste in my mouth considering all her other behaviour. Why did she not say before if Dad is unwell?

That’s a great response. She’s been like it for years so don’t feel guilty. I’ve recently lost a friend under similar circumstances and now the friendship is over I feel quite liberated that nobody is wasting my time through their own selfish actions. She’s using the terminally ill DF as a trump card. She cancelled on you because better plans turned up, not because she’s visiting her DF in a hospice.

I had a friend like this. We called her cancelling carol. She did it to me too many times.
However she's also a terrible gossip I'd I realised she'd been talking loudly about my daughter who was unwell.
That did it for me.
Six years on I don't miss her. She frequently sends messages to mutual friends but I resist. She was great fun but also a player, competitive and down right nasty at times. She once told me if she didn't feel like going to something she didn't. I should have listened.
Your friend is selfish OP and manipulative using her father's illness. It will feel like a bereavement but these people don't give a fuck. You shouldn't either. X

I know someone like this: long list of traumas, always the victim. Always the most unfortunate, always the flake. Most people have given up on her but she still keeps a handful close that she feeds crumbs to when she wants to. I cba with her anymore. If I were on your group chat op, I’d be quietly rooting for you.

My version would be even less conciliatory, as I would be saying that I'm not sure how a terminally ill father affects the choice between pre-arranged plans with a friend and going to a gig instead.

She’s like this with everyone though. So it’s not a ‘not into you’ situation. It’s a ‘she’s not great at friendships’ situation.

No, it's more likely that their tolerance for flakiness is higher.

Eg exBIL would do something pretty wankerish. SIL would lose her temper. ExBIL would ptich her as the big meanie who is always mean to him. Everyone would rally around him (including PIL) becuase SIL is so "volatile".

Cue me in the corner going, "Um, does no one think it's a problem that the original argument blew up becuase he was annoyed that she wanted to go for a drink with a friend?"

Cue PIL et al. "Oh, he's just very sensitive and he wants to spend a lot of time with her. She should be grateful she has someone who loves her so much....." etc etc.

@Fitasafiddle1 Please take @LurkyMcLurkinson 's advice OP on owning it and nip this in the bud. Your flaky friend is an arch-manipulator and has neatly manipulated your village friendship group - they just don't realise it yet, but will do so if you follow Lurky's advice. Don't let her get away with this OP.

They just don't know the real facts of what actually happened - yet - and have been expertly manipulated by the flake. Hopefully, OP will expose her for who she truly is.

I wouldn’t have responded at all and I certainly wouldn’t have made any future arrangements to meet her.

Whilst I was trying to choose my words carefully to answer about the concert etc. Mutual friend has posted that she took flake to a concert because her mental health is ‘in the toilet’ and she needed a lift, ( so that now makes sense) and that is shocked by the total lack of empathy shown to flake, and that she thought the group would be much more supportive of flake as she deals with this crisis.

Mutual friend and I are not close. She has older dc and isn’t always around for meet ups etc but she does come to some.

Lots of replies of how kind MF is for thinking of flake and of course flake needs nights out to lift her spirits.

I am just flabbergasted. My sense is to say nothing now. This is getting into a real mess.

she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time

"Tell you what , let;s not bother"

Or if you're feeling kinder "You seem to have trouble pinning down a date so let's just put this out to pasture "

She is a selfish pain in the neck who won't ever change. Either ditch her or accept her the way she is.

Sack her off ! I had similar, could not be arsed. She’ll do the same to the other friend

She is a selfish arsehole. How dare she try the whole narcissist darvo thing when she is totally and utterly in the wrong. You are better off without her op

I think you need to put your point across to the group OP because they are slating you to your face. It’s so out of order, I really don’t have patience for people like this and will stand my ground.

I really don’t understand why you had to make this a whole ‘thing’. She flaked on you several times and you didn’t like it. Completely understandable. You pull back, mirror her efforts and let things die a natural death. That is not ghosting, it’s just going about your business.

Instead, you decided to send her ‘a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down’ and ‘a message to say I am pulling back because our time together doesn’t feel that important to her, and that’s fine she can prioritise what she wants but I won’t be organising anything else’.

Why?! It’s all just so unnecessary and puerile. And now there’s drama. For no reason.

She gave you an hour's notice that she wouldn't be meeting up with you as she would be attending another event? This is rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate. Quite rightly you have called her out on it and she's now in a huff. I wouldn't waste any more time or headspace on her.

Keep your head up you did nothing wrong and flake will flake in them all eventually.