Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I had a friend like this. She is late, or doesn’t show up, every single time.

There is a group of 4 of us that eat out a few times a year. Sometimes one of us can’t make it, the rest us will respectfully text the rest of the group BEFORE we are due to meet up. Even 5 minutes before, things come up, it’s not big deal, but this friend doesn’t seem to be able to admit until AFTER the time we were due to meet up that she is not going to make it. I do think she has organisational problems and double books herself. She is a very chaotic person. I have pulled way back from her because of this behaviour, it’s a very bad trait and it has really pissed me off.

The main reason I think people get away with this for decades as mentioned above, is that when you are younger it doesn’t matter. If someone doesn’t show up, or is late, it’s not big deal and it nearly becomes a running joke, about how quirky the person is. Hahaha.

But when you are older and have young children, maybe elderly parents and likely a demanding job, your time is so precious and you rarely get out to do fun things anymore.

So if you choose to spend your (limited) time with someone who has no respect for your time or your effort then that’s not funny any more, it’s just annoying and thoughtless.

You can have flaky friends. Often, they're very charming and great fun and when they decide to cast some attention and effort your way, it feels lovely as you bask in it. However, they're flaky and they can't be relied on. If you can train your mind that they'll only be there on their own terms and you don't give them capacity to disappoint or hurt you, continue being friends. You won't be able to sort things out with them because they've got the mentality of a cat!! Look for more solid and reliable friends. They are out there. Over the years, I've got a raft of friends. Some solid, some flaky. They all enhance my life in their own ways. Flaky friends can phone on a moment's notice with a great ticket to an event but they're probably not going to be reliable and be there for you in your darkest hour.

as we get older we start to understand our friendships more I think , as a woman in her 50’s now I'm less tolerant of behaviour like this and like another person responded , just quietly back away and use her ethos of making excuses not to meet - I had a friend that was very needy and would make me feel so guilty for not meeting up for years and years she always always made me think I wasn’t a great friend , yet when I stood back and thought about our relationship it was very one sided , so now i suit myself more and I'm feeling less and less guilty about it as i get used to being the friend that isn’t always available and ready to drive down to meet up when instructed , its really quite liberating !!!

Move on. You don't need friends who treat you badly.

Same Olivio I let the time wasters go and flaky people. Just not worth it. I got tired chasing up friends. Now I suit myself!

how easily your group of friends rallied around her and got pissed off with you (not clear whether they do know it’s you (if your friend is messaging that it will blow over and you’re stressing that you’re going to lose them as friends as this will “sabotage” their view of you - that would indicate they do know it’s you. However you say they don’t know it’s you so 🤷‍♀️) would indicate that they certainly don’t view her flakiness as to a level that bothers them. In fact, they very much seem to care and like her.

OP, take this as a sign that maybe these aren’t good friends of yours and focus on building other friends!