Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I did this to my so called best friend after 20 years. I gave her a warning and then 6 months later blocked and deleted her off everything. It was liberating 4 years on I don’t miss her at all.

No one knew about her df apart from the one friend that organised the concert. Had we known people would have rallied around her far sooner. There is now a separate chat that is discussing what can be done to support her. I haven’t said anything on the chat so far. Just a thumbs up to acknowledge.

Ultimately this is just a group of village friends that have been mates for years. We all have other friends and families etc. It has been a great group, very few issues or drama. Flake flutters in and out. It’s likely to be fine I hope.

She sent that message because she knows me well enough to know I would worry.

It is a very caring group of women, very accepting and inclusive. It’s one of the reasons why it works so well.

One or two have guessed as they were there. Not sure about the others. The conversation has moved on to supporting flake.

Glad to see @Eyebulb’s obvious goading has been removed.

This too shall pass is advice which is golden.

Eyebulb has disappeared 😂

Can I thank you all for your lovely messages and support. It gave me the confidence to know I wasn’t being unreasonable in the first place or subsequently, it may have inadvertently shone a light on flake’s true character in the process, but I didn’t revert back to my people pleasing tendencies and I’ll also be giving her a very wide berth from now on.

Good for you @Fitasafiddle1 we could all do with a friend like you.
From someone who has cared for a parent, and understand what it entails, and I’m not being unkind, don’t let her drag you into the mess she will probably make of what comes next.
It doesn’t mean you can’t offer a kind word if needed, but flake can’t even decide between social events and letting good friends down. When it comes to the business of looking after a terminally ill father, on any level, I should imagine it’s going to be like a whirlwind.
Her friendships are a one-way street. You owe her absolutely nothing. Perhaps facing the realities of real life might make her grow up a little….

Flake has been very fortunate, and has been very sheltered. Any problems at all and her parents have fixed it with a phone call. They are tremendously supportive of her, but she hasn’t dealt with much adversity, and sometimes it shows.

I imagine she will be shielded again from the worst parts, but it does seen”m to prevent the maturity and emotional intelligence required to be more understanding of other people’s feelings.

I am sorry it was such a tough time for you 💐

@Fitasafiddle1 so she now has a valid excuse for letting you down but that does not help all the other tens of times she has let both you and others down! a seriously ill father excuse will only be usable for a short time so what will she use once he has passed away? doing the right thing by letting her go.

Respond to the friend to point out that her traumas didn't stop her going to a gig, so it doesn't seem to be relevant.

The way I manage my flaky friend is to say "I'm normally free at some regular time/day, if you're available and want to hang out and do something tell me on the day and let's do that rather than me regularly holding time and space in my diary and you then cancelling last minute."
I got fed up of reorganising my calendar, holding space, saying no to other things, booking a table and then them cancelling at least half the time. She had social anxiety and I think the build up to an arrangement set her off. I left the ball in her court, she can message me Thursday evening/friday morning and say "are you free at 10 for coffee tomorrow" and if I am, great, if I'm not it's a shame but I'm not organising things around her anymore or holding space for days/weeks. It means if she cancels there's no real loss to me, and sometimes it's a nice surprise and we grab a coffee because we both happen to be free and arrange it that day.
It does mean I see her less (although probably not really because half the time it never happened) and it stops her double booking me or forgetting or panicking and just not coming.

What a ghastly group of people (you aside Op!)

the flakey friend
and these friends in uproar about whoever upset the snowflake and so weak that you are worried that they opinion of you may be sabotaged by FF.

Good job this happened before you confided in flakey friend op! Does anyone else in group know what you were going to tell FF? Focus on your other friends op.

I am worried they are going to think poorly of me.

this is so sad Op. you have known this group for decades. Surely they will know you and this one little drama won’t make them think poorly of you?

She sounded happy enough swanning off to that gig though, didn’t she?

If she’s been enabled, cosseted and protected all of her life, she’s in for a rude awakening now her father is terminally ill.
I cared for my lovely late dad, and it’s important to have the odd break/night out/bit of respite, but this woman is sadly ill prepared. And if her mum now has to concentrate on her dad, there will be fireworks!

Thank the lord eyebulb bogged off OP.
I did tell her (if it was a her) to f off. I've never done that before. Rude but very liberating.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
We can make new friends later in life. I have and they're lovely.

I agree, they sound like absolutely fair weather friends ready to turn on a whim.

@Fitasafiddle1 been thinking about your friend today and how similar she is to my ‘friend’

There seems to be a pattern ( from other poster’s experiences too) that it’s a certain personality type that do this. On the face of it, they are great company, fun and entertaining. That’s why people are so charmed.

but I wonder if it just an act. And one they can’t sustain. We’d all be fun, social butterflies if we only turned up when we felt like it, when we were in the mood to socialise etc.

its like it’s an act they put on and they only ah e the capacity for one performance a week.

You told her she hurt you and her response was the silent treatment that tells you all you need to know

Mel Robbins, the Let Them author, made a post about exactly this today. Her advice is to let them go as you are not a priority.

I have had "friends" like this and have ultimately ditched them.... eventually, and usually after many many attempts to keep things going and always everything was on their terms. Stuff eventually changed when I had DD and priorities had to be amended, because it became clear over time that I meant much less to them than they meant to me. Spend your time on those that appreciate you and don't treat you like you are not worth their time would be my advice.