Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I would still respond the same as previously suggested to nip this whole thing in the bud, just amend it slightly:

I suspect most of this is aimed at me as I expressed my disappointment last night that flake cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I know about her father I would have perhaps responded differently.

I would reduce contact. I have social anxiety and don't always take up offers and invites if I know they will make me uncomfortable but always think that's better than last min changing my mind!

Now I’d be tempted to be a bitch since they’ve decided to take the mean girls approach and gang up on you. I would keep the message largely the same but add a sting in the tail.

I suspect it’s me that’s upset the flake as I expressed my disappointment last night that she cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she was wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I known about her father or her mental health difficulties I wouldn’t have chosen that evening to address what has been an ongoing difficulty in our friendship for some years now.

Mutual friend has posted that she took flake to a concert because her mental health is ‘in the toilet’ and she needed a lift

Yes, but the Flake already had plans with you. That's the point.

You need to just state the facts that you had plans together and she let you down at the last minute to go to the concert, so you questioned how meaningful her friendship was to you.

Is it possible she is ND OP? I say that as I have a now acquaintance who has dyspraxia and this is the way she behaves and has done since we were teenagers. We are now in our 40s. Only shows up when she wants to, just doesn’t show up, occasionally comes up with an excuse at the last minute. I dealt with this by asking her to meet me and DH when we doing something anyway that she could easily slip into and not asking her to meet us if it was important. Like your friend she doesn’t comprehend situation or feelings of others.

This certainly proves that "charmingly" flakey people are self-centred, toxic, manipulative arseholes, doesn't it?

This!

and I would add also arrogant and disrespectful. She’s not your friend.

I was honest with her because I had hoped we would work out something better. I didn’t want to stop inviting her, or create an issue but excluding. Adults talk through issues don’t they? At least I do. It’s okay to say when something feels uncomfortable. I assumed she would be open to talking it through.

Well she’s clearly not so upset about her DF that she couldn’t go to a concert.

Personally I wouldn’t bother responding to any of these messages.
And this woman isn’t any sort of friend, she’s manipulative and a user. Also if these others are supporting and believing her narrative I’d leave them all to it and move on.

Spot on. What a manipulative cow.

I hope you have other friends apart from these sad sacks @Fitasafiddle1 ?

"That was nice of you Mary to arrange something so last minute for Flake. Just unfortunate that it was on a night me and Flake had originally made a plan and I knew nothing about any of this so I think it was understandable that I was upset that I'd been cancelled on at short notice."

So my ex flake is the village queen bee @Fitasafiddle1 she has to be your best friend until she dumps you. I had a very big house, lots of parties. She took the BFF from me, my neighbour and a lady whose friend had been close for ten years. She even controlled the women's funeral. My friend was not allowed to say her goodbyes. Close friends only! Not a nice person. Think toxic player. Sadly some women are like this. Shame on them.

She's being unbelievably nasty. Harnessing sympathy whilst encouraging people to ask who has upset her. She's trying to turn people against you.

You didn’t attempt to talk through issues, though. Neither of those was opening up a conversation.

Mirroring her behaviour wouldn’t have ‘created an issue’, as it would literally have been doing nothing. However, this clearly wouldn’t have satisfied your need to have your say. It’s all very silly and melodramatic.

There is nothing adult about this situation.

I fail to understand how the df being terminal can be a reason to cancel dinner as she went to a gig instead. I could understand if she cancelled to spend time with him, but she didn’t. She’s just throwing that piece of information in for sympathy and to hide her shitty behaviour.

When respect is not being served it is time to leave the table.

@DBD1975 ooh I love this. Do you mind if I use it across my socials? Any credit due?

I have a similar friend that I posted about on here probably 10 years back. MNers advised that I say something similar to what you did originally and she reacted like your friend - angry, defensive and trying to make me feel guilty about her parent with a cancer diagnosis etc etc. I really regretted saying anything tbh. I ended up grovelling and apologising for upsetting her and the friendship kinda continued but eventually I quietly let it drop because it just made me feel shit about myself. I don't regret that.

This may not be good advice, but if I were you I'd grovel massively to her and the rest of the group to restore those friendships but then quietly drop the flakey friend going forward.

@Eyebulb she took nothing from me. She actually love bombed friends around me. I didn't see her pattern for years.
I don't think they saw it the same way. She targeted rich women with connections. If they didn't deliver she dropped them.
However they all call her cancelling Carol. Not coined by me!