Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I have just replied and said despite the issues, she did cancel at the last minute for a concert, and it’s definitely very far from the first time she has done this.

I did get a much softer reply saying she understood but that flake did need more support generally.

That was jarring. As I think I have put up with more than enough already. Time to go MIA as I can’t stand the drama, and would rather leave them to it. It feels a little two faced of flake, discussing our conversation with others and drumming up support, I have had quite enough of this now.

As pp have said she sounds extremely childish. Especially getting other people involved. Just back off and leave them to it. It’s not worth the headspace.

She's a me me me friend
All about her. Selfish.
Step back. If she makes a plan with you only agree if it suits YOU and don't be making any effort To make plans. Has to come from her now
I did that with a friend years ago and funnily enough we lost touch

I had a friendship like this a few years ago. I was always arranging things for us and she would find an excuse to back out last minute. I decided to step back and not message her and see if she would message me. She never contacted again. I was upset at the time as when she lived next door we were always together and popping into each other's house/looking after the kids, but knew deep down it would happen. I do wonder if her husband was a bit controlling though as I could see red flags in the last year or so.

I think you should be prepared for additinal fall out. She's now manipulating others and getting them, in effect, to be her flying monkeys. And portraying YOU as the bad guy. I would be quite concerned.

I think you may have to accept that this is goign to impact other friendships or the wider friendship group. For me, that would be fine. But I'm just warning you.

I WOULD go back to your interfering friend to say, "The issue is that if she told me she was struggling, I could attempt to accomodate. But she arranged an actual meet up with me and cancelled with an hour's notice ot go to a gig. That's not okay and an acknowledgement of that is not an unreasonable ask. I'm also concerned that she's attempting to get you to fight this battle for her."

But be prepared, she's laying the ground work for YOU to be the baddie and her to be the victim and I suspect the resuslt will be them rallying around her while she recovers from the trauma of you "kicking her while she is down."

Her friend who's messaging you will soon be backing off when it's her turn to be flaked on and it happens once too often.

Your flakey friend also felt comfortable bitching about you to your other friend.

They have probably spoken about you before behind your back.

Let these friendships go OP

not sure why you stayed around for so long?

Doesn’t sound like you’re getting much from this friendship. She’s giving you the silent treatment so you have a very clear and easy “out”; just don’t initiate any further contact. Life is too short for this nonsense.

I dont think you should be “managing” her. I have a flaky friend, and can possibly be seen as being “flaky” myself at times. I am 2 little ones, work hard, run the house and do everything with 0 support, when friends are bombarding me with invites etc it usually eats in to the kittle free time I do have and I end up turning invites down so I dont burn myself out 🤷🏻‍♀️ its not that I dont value my friends, I do, and have been good to my friends in grief/illness etc. I just dont like going places 😅

This ! 💯

Flake here.

Well, sort of. I rarely have to cancel on people because I just refuse most invites in the first place. I don't pretend I am going to a gig either, I just say I don't want to come/have better uses for my time.

Yet people persist and persist with invites. Why do you persist with types like me? It actually makes me uncomfortable after a while. The text you sent your friend about her cancelling again/you pulling back would make my skin crawl.

I am ND, and love being a 'far away' friend. I don't care about your birthdays or special occasions (nor my own!). If the shit hits the fan though, you can call me and I will help you. I've always been like this. My family hate it. Friends I assume feel sorry for me.

No please, I am fine, I really like you - you're lovely - but I am quite happy. Sorry I don't fit the norms and I know it is jarring. Please stop inviting me. And if you stop talking to me altogether, we'll literally never talk again. Still doesn't mean I don't like you!

I’ve never known a flake to have just this negative trait. Not surprised she is now playing the triangulation game…now you have dared call her out.
Mutual friend is coming across as naive, at best!
I’ve embraced showing people how to treat me rather than telling them in the last few years - it has taken a while to break some habits but it is so worth it.

So she cancelled dinner an hour before it was planned to go to a concert? She probably already had those concert tickets for a long time (maybe already when she agreed to the dinner, meaning she never attended to come). You have every right to be livid. I think it is very telling that she refuses to acknowledge that her behaviour was very rude and disrespectful. Honestly, I would just tell her how disrespectful she is.
She is NOT a friend. This might be difficult to hear, but I highly doubt she saw you as a friend.

I would tell both the flake and her white knight that you are very sorry to learn about the problems she has been having. Of course you don't want to add to her stresses so will give her space for now but please get in touch if there is any way you can be of help. See if there is any contact from her in future but don't go out of your way to initiate. Definitely don't plan on her being present at any event whoever organises it.

No, it’s like putting a pin in a big blob of jelly.
All you can manage is your own reaction.
If she’d cancelled and stayed home due to anxiety, it’s not ideal but you can have some empathy.
But to ditch you and go somewhere else…
Appalling. As is the silent treatment.
I have realised as I get older it’s the sting of the rejection which hurts - and that’s about my own ego. Why bother chasing after this woman when you have other, great friends?
She’s not airy fairy. She does not care about other people.
Don’t waste your valuable time.

I had a friend like this - lovely person when I did see her but flaked out a lot.

I also realised I was always the one organising, so I decided not to organise anything else and wait for her to make the effort. I haven’t see her in 7 years now.

Forget about her, her disrespect and her CF lecturing "flying monkey".

Focus on why you would allow her to make so little of you, and involving that CF "flying monkey"?
Focus on that.

Stop trying to find a deep and meaningful answer to why she is rude as fxxk dropping you last minute.

We teach people how to treat us.

You sound like a good friend.
Focus on those that match your energy, not on people like her that humiliate you like this repeatedly for years.

Her reply to your message challenging her was highly manipulative and narcissistic.

Drop the rope.

You've told her how you feel and she's ignored you. Take the hint and leave it.

I wouldn’t call her a friend. She’s using you as a back up and ditches you if something she thinks is better comes along.
And thats incredibly rude isn’t it. No wonder she’s got few friends, but that’s not your problem.
You don’t need drama, I’d just not bother with her and spend your time with people who appreciate you.

That is exactly what is happening. I guess out of fear of losing remaining group of friends she is trying to paint this in a different light, that I am being unkind to her. This is so far from the truth. I haven’t seen this side of her before. Its blowing up into the most awful situation now, as not only has she messaged mutual friend, but she posted a sad face on the group chat saying she is sorry she is such a huge disappointment to everyone and she didn’t mean to be so awful at everything and then said her df is terminally ill.

I am mortified by the replies of comfort and reassurance, and then separate messages to ask why she thinks that, and who has made flake so upset. One or two of them are really cross.

You did everything you could. She has now exhausted your patience and feelings. Let go.Stick with those you can actually call 'friends'

I would just let this friendship become a casual text one, and not invite her to meet up anymore. Take any plans made with a pinch of salt.

I have a friend similar, although she usually has (ostensibly) more a of an 'excuse' than just choosing to do something else, but ultimately she agrees to all plans and then inevitably has a reason why she can't attend on the day - including my wedding last year. It's frustrating because I knew she wouldn't come, tried to encourage her to turn down the invite, but it was all "noooo I'd never miss you big day" etc etc. She ended up costing me £200 in uneaten meals for her lack of attendance.

Some people don't mean any malice but genuinely don't see the pattern of their behaviour, and will never change.

So her DF is terminally ill. Is she at his bedside then? Thats an appalling thing to do, to lump that into the way she treats others.
Why are they so taken in by her?
Shes not just a flake. She’s a fake.
Get rid, and get rid of her enablers. She will treat them like shit as well.
I also don’t do group chats for this reason.