How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

I hardly ever see my MIL. Her second husband didn’t like us visiting or for her to visit us so I saw her very rarely for the first 25 years and consequently have never had any real relationship with her. She’s now in a nursing home with multiple health issues including dementia and I’m juggling small kids, a full time job, voluntary work and elderly parents of my own so I have very little time free and DH mostly visits her alone. She’s invited here every 2-3 of weeks, sometimes I’m here for her visits but I’m often at work/ away.

Please link the other posts?!

So I am a DIL.

I think it is inconvenient if you are asking to be picked up and driven around - half hour away for pick up and drop off becomes 2 hours driving just to have you over. Try not to ask for lifts from them as well, as that is quite a burden.

She might not enjoy your company (don’t take this personally) as we don’t click with everyone we are related to.

I would suggest that you make dinner and invite your children and in laws all over, so they can chat with other family members too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5289162-should-both-sets-of-parents-be-treated-the-same-on-mothers-day

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5332739-would-this-upset-you-mother-of-groom?postsby=Weddingspeechsad

There's at least 2 others as well

I'm a daughter in law and I never visit. I've never had a conversation with my mother in law because she would leave the room if I was there, I don't have the patience for her particular brand of twattery so I stay away.

“it be nice for us to have a weekly dinner at my house.”

OP, I think you are being very unrealistic - why on earth would your DS and DIL want to come and see you every single week? These days when everyone works, weekends are precious and are for seeing friends/going out/chilling. You live half an hour away, so that’s an hour round trip before they have spent any time at your house. You also complain that your DIL didn’t take you shopping before her wedding - seriously, why would she? She must have had a load of other things to do - weddings are stressful enough without your future MIL having a moment because you can’t fit her in to go clothes shopping. You are not her mother, and you don’t seem to understand that, unless you are extraordinarily lucky, for most women, you are close to your own DM and put up with your MIL. Don’t be surprised when your DS and DIL move further away just because they’ve had enough of your frankly unreasonable expectations.

You have me mistaken. This is the third thread I have started since March. The other two have already been linked. I definitely don’t start a new one every few days.

I wondered this too

I think you have nailed it. A lot of older people expect visitors to sit down and talk. Very few people have time for this these days. What a waste of time.

No those are my only other threads. Anything else is not me

OP, you're good at using Mumsnet so I think you'd be able to look up restaurants online (or in the phone book if you prefer) and book something yourself. Why would you ask your son to do it for you?

From your previous threads I remember he did a huge amount for you (taking you to many appointments etc.)

I think you had other children who already have their own families and they were all happy for everything to fall on your youngest son. There's something really wrong with the dynamic and I feel very sorry for your youngest son.

Please try to stop putting so much on to him (I know that's probably hard to hear). He really sounds like a good guy, please please try to really genuinely support him and don't be sneaky, be the victim about it.

Ask them what would work for them, meeting on a week day after work, something over a weekend (maybe a brunch or just a coffee some morning). Don't make any comments that are back-handed insults, please just try to genuinely try to be flexible and be positive and have a good time.

Well I disagree, you have a particular style that is easily recognisable...I've seen at least 2 others and on all of these you've been told to back off. Yet here you are again

If you want to have a relationship with her (and any subsequent Grandchildren) you could always go to her. I do. We'll have a catch-up over coffee or a bit of food. I take an interest in her life and send messages. Your post comes across as a bit 'entitled', which is probably unintentional. Relationships are a two-way street.

I very seldom visited my ILs when DH did. Not because I hated them or even disliked them but because I didn't want to spend time with them as much as he did. That seemed reasonable to me as a newly wed 40 years ago and still seems reasonable to me now. I simply enjoyed having time on my own at home or pursuing other interests more than I enjoyed visiting them. I was happy to just see them at family events or larger social gatherings.

It seems a big leap to assume that her not making regular social calls on you equals hating you.

@AnotherSadMIL

Why do you want a weekly dinner with just this child and spouse? Why not all together? And why weekly?

Why not do a monthly or quarterly big family meal? Or host the big occasions?

For us, we both work. We only have weekends together and to get things done. So if we were expected to spend every Sunday somewhere, that halves our time together and for jobs. Which makes life in general more stressful.

And now we have DD it would halve our time as a family.

DH drops into PILs most weekends for a couple hours, sometimes he leaves DD there for a bit so we can have a bit of a "date day" or get things done (or sometimes, just veg in front of the TV). Sometimes I go too if we have a quiet weekend and nothing needs doing. Sometimes none of us go.

My parents live further away, we see them around fortnightly, sometimes a bit longer between. They often come here for an afternoon, sometimes we go there for a couple of days (DD likes it better that way) but that does take up a whole weekend and sometimes annual leave and can then result in a lot of "catching up" in regular life.

They have a life of their own. It can't revolve around what you want. You have to fit into it however you can, and it will need to be on their terms or they won't be there when you actually need them.

But you haven’t taken on board any of the solid advice you were given on those previous threads.

Here you are again wanting them to come to yours for a meal every week. You really aren’t listening at all and just keep on pressing your own agenda.

Your son is now in a serious relationship with his wife and whilst I realise this is sad for you as prior to this he did a lot of caring duties whilst living with you, things have now changed.

You ring your son constantly. You already see him a lot. He’s told you it’s too much pressure and you have other children as well. Your DIL has backed off due to the pressure but you simply won’t listen to any of the clues you are being given.

Cool. Have you followed even one piece of advice from any of the other threads?

So you offered money for the wedding, they then found a venue that they could not afford because you were not clear about sums. You then expected someone planning a wedding to take you to buy your dress? Is this all correct? Perhaps you have done over other things over the years to irk her. She is not your actual daughter, just focus on your son. He must feel
so stuck in the middle. Why does your son have to book the restaurant? Is there a reason why when he says yes that you cannot? Because it just adds to his mental load when you are capable of doing it yourself

It isn't usual for the future mil to be invited along to wedding dress shopping. That's generally regarded as a special moment between the mother of the bride, and her daughter. Some women have the kind of relationship with their future mil where it feels entirely natural for them also to be included, but that is the exception, and you have to have the relationship first.

If I'm being charitable, it sounds like you have/are trying to accelerate to an intimate relationship with your dil where you are loved and respected as a second mother, and she's either not ready for that, or not even open to it. Just because she married your son, does not mean she owes you her time or affection. That's earned. And I suppose, again being charitable, you could feel that you have no opportunity to do this, because she doesn't give you any time. That doesn't mean she hates you. It just means she doesn't want another mum, and that's fine. It's harsh for you as you clearly have in your mind's eye what Family (capital F) looks like, and it's different to hers, but them's the breaks.

Times change. People are time poor. We're a gang of 14. All try to get together for birthdays. Last big one in February, husband. I organised it with DILs. From 5 to 74 years trying to accommodate all is a juggling act.

Sunday, father, son, three grandchildren walked with the dogs in the hills, no women required 🤣.

Yes I don’t ring after a certain time and I don’t ring as much.

But I think she has not gotten over the money misunderstanding before the wedding and things are worse than ever. I don’t think it’s anything to do with how much I contact them anymore.

It is absolutely not just the money thing. Nothing exists in a vacuum. Everything else must be considered together, not in isolation.

Do you make it comfortable for her when she does visit? Or do you make her feel unwelcome or awkward? If she has only visited once in a year and it is only a 30 minutes drive that is not a good sign, but she also may not traveling far? I am not keen on travel and get anxiety from it so avoid it when I can.

So you would like one weekly dinner with you (and more when the children come).

let‘s say an additional dinner with her mother.

Are you divorced? Or are her parents? That would be a third „weekly dinner“.

they may want to visit friends, other family members like siblings etc., which would lead to a 4th weekly dinner.

add to that personal needs like exercise, family time etc. and they’re already completely booked.

as PPs have already said: you need to lower these expectations drastically or you’ll be disappointed (again).

it sounds like she works rather long hours from their shared home. Her not wanting to you to visit whilst she’s still working is therefore completely understandable…