How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

I see my MIL quite a bit she sometimes stays over at Christmas for a few days and comes round almost every weekend, we only live 10 minutes away from her so that makes it easier, we have always made the effort with each other though and can talk to each other, I think that makes a difference to be honest both parties need to be making an effort and usually it helps if its early on in the relationship, I was staying at my in laws house quite a lot when I first started seeing my husband and made the effort to get to know them and I didn't refuse to go even if I didn't feel like it because i knew they would be part of my life and I accepted that I needed to do things to help that relationship with them

Do you work op? Do you have any other family around/nearby? Is there a local community center or library that hosts hobby events?
I think you need to widen your community op, enrich your life and fill it with things other than family family family, your children are making their own primary family units. The distance and less frequent visits are natural, these things ebb and flow with life changes and having such restricted expectations cause upset where none was intended.
You aren't in control of how they live their lives but you can control what YOU do now your children have successfully flown the nest.

My brothers partner was really close with my mum. Or rather while my brother lived at home she had to have lots of interaction with my mother so it looked like they were friends.

Once my brother moved out that all stopped because it was only polite friendliness not actual friendship. My mother like you was quite hurt by it she didn’t see that my brothers partner was being over friendly because she could hardly walk in the house straight up to brother room and order in a take away for the two of them. So chat happened, take aways together, taking in turns cooking. Even the odd day trip because she felt it would be rude to not offer every so often.

He moved out they live together. She never sees the “DIL” unless my brother is with her and mostly he sees her without his partner like often she visits her family without him.

She’s not horrible. I think she’s lovely and my children like her and my brother clearly loves her.

She doesn’t hate my mum she just doesn’t have to have forced interactions because she doesn’t have to see her every other day just to see her partner now.

This just illustrates how the OP is not taking on board the lives of her DS and DIL. She wants even more than the frequent phone calls during her DS’s lunch breaks, the frequent visits after work etc.

Now she wants weekly meals and expects a greater frequency of visits when / if grandchildren arrive.

This also ignores the sad fact that her son finds the pressure she places on him intolerable. It’s sad but OP needs to develop her own social circle.

You can only change your behaviour, and you can’t force her to want that relationship. But I think if you can fundamentally reset your view of your DIL - and accept the relationship boundaries your son and DIL want without blaming her for you not getting to see and speak to you son as much as you would like then I think both your sons and DIL might notice a shift in your attitude. I have no doubt that your resentment will be showing itself even if you think you hide it.

I know this is so mean, and you just want a good relationship with you son, but the more you push and be needy, the more you are going to push them away.

I know you’re disabled but maybe you should seek some practical support from the council. And share the emotional burden with all your children so that when you speak to your son it can be more happy and lighthearted convos sometimes - if they’re not already. But just from your posts my guess is that they will be intense

Do you have a job OP? Hobbies? Friends? Because you seem to expect an awful lot of your son and his wife. All these phone calls for starters - the fact that he’s had to negotiate to keep his evenings free for his wife so now has to have a regular lunch break call AT WORK, the poor guy. That’s in addition to the fact that he frequently visits you on his way home. I’m sure he loves you but you seem very needy of his time and attention and that must be draining. Plus asking to be driven everywhere, taken shopping and no doubt many other things you haven’t mentioned…

Re the DIL not coming round in the evenings after work, can you not see that after working a long day the last thing she probably feels like doing is getting in the car and driving half an hour for a duty visit and then driving home again?

The wedding money fiasco aside, I think the real issue is you not letting your baby boy grow up. Until you release the reigns on him your DIL is going to find you hard work.

HRTWT but have read op's posts
Instead of phoning him why don't you text him and then he can answer when it suits him/them? You might get a text back but that's still contact - a friendly text asking about their week would do as a starter. What response did you get to a meal out?

I see mine more than hubby does! Probs three times a month

You need to find a way to become more independent and travel yourself. You said they live 30 minutes away, but they haven't fetched you over, that's 2 hours out of their day to take them to your house and back home again.

You say your other children live further away, do you contact them as often? Maybe your DIL senses you are lining them both up to be carers.

I’m medically retired. I do some crafting but no hobbies I really uphold as my disability is so unpredictable, I’m scared to go out of the house alone as I am prone to falls. I do see my other children when I can but they are so much further away and have small children of their own so are always busy

You still haven't said whether you phone them as much as you do this son.

Wondered the same. Especially since the son has said in the past that everything is put on him, as he’s unlucky enough to live nearest and have no DC

I thought in another thread you said all bar one are 90 minutes away?

So you excuse them because they live further and have children - do you not get upset that you rarely see these grandchildren? You say in this post you are worried about DS and DIL having children and wanting to be close to this potential GC. What about your existing GC? What effort is made to them? You are contradicting yourself in what standards of expectation you hold for your children.

Everything is on son and DIL and every excuse is made for your other DC

Yes so three hours round trip. It’s really hard for them with smaller kids. If I go down I have to stay over so it’s finding a weekend where I can stay over as that’s too long for me to go there and back in a day.

Still no answer re bothering them by phone so I guess you don't and put it all on the one son.

But none of that is your youngest son’s fault or his wife’s. It’s not their job to be your entertainment or only helpers your sole hobby.

You son was you career for so long. You should be happy for him not trying to pull him back in. Let him spread his wings like his siblings have rather than trying to clip him at every chance.

OP, am I right in thinking you left the family home and DC stayed with your ex. The son in this case came to live with you later on, so is this why you only really have a relationship with him?

Yes that’s correct. I still had the children to take on holidays and the younger ones in half term and on some weekends but DS came to live with me as a teenager. The rest stayed in the family home with ex husband

Ok, so I can understand why your instinct is always to reach out to him, but can you see from his perspective how this is too much?

So I am guessing you don’t have a great relationship with your other children. You are probably very lonely but this is unfair to put this all on your younger son and your DIL. Once a week visits are just far too often.
You need to find your own friends/hobbies.

But totally reasonable for your DS and DiL to do two one hour round trips to collect you and take you to their place after work (which was one of your many complaints about the DiL)?

You accuse your DiL of hating you because at a weekend when they are not both working they have other things to do than visit you or because she doesn’t drive over to take you dress shopping when she is trying to plan her own wedding. Honestly just leave her be, your son visits and speaks to you regularly.

As per the other threads - you need to address filling your own life. Join a book club or U3A course which does sessions via Zoom. I can’t remember your disability but I’m mobility impaired in a way which can cause balance issues - I use a stick or walking poles if I’m particularly bad. Even if I’m not out at work I make sure I use them every day because the regular practice and exercise maintains strength, even if its painful at times.
Make use of taxis to go out to hobbies or classes rather than expecting DS to be your transport.

Do you phone them as often as you phone your youngest son?

I know my sister in law doesn't really like having my Mum to stay because she makes comments about the state of the house. My SIL works full time and the house is clean but messy. My Mum is better now, but has always been vocally critical about mess - including my own flat.
If you regularly criticize your DIL, she will avoid you.

That adds a whole extra layer onto this I must is missed or forgot.

So your other children are simply out not as close to you at all. All the children originally stayed with their father when you separated. He came to you when older. Now his left again basically.

Trying to cling on to him won’t stop him becoming as far away time wise or emotionally as his siblings already are to you. You just push him away.