How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

“Only” half an hour. Is an hour round trip each way, so 2 hours driving in total to facilitate your visit. I think a bit of awareness of the “small” things you are asking for may help.

Have you asked your son about it?

Are you projecting your disappointment at your sons lack of contact with you onto her?

Have you talked with your son about this? It seems to me that rather than assuming DIL 'hates' you you should maybe talk to your DS about the fact the you feel sad about this? Be clear that you're not expecting to be invited round every week but a couple of times a year would be nice, and you'd like to host the equivalent?

You're entitled to say you feel upset and slighted, and that it makes you worry that you'll not have the relationship you'd like with any potential grandkids if they keep being this standoffish. And if you can face it, ask if there is anything you've done/said that makes her avoid you because if so, you want to address it?

It could be not personal at all, it could turn out there's been crossed wires and she think you hate her or she's upset you. It's worth finding out.

Speaking as a DIL, when my PILs were in good health we used to visit them as a family (me and DH and our DC) once every couple of months. Then FIL died 18 months ago and MIL is in poor health and needs more support. So now DH goes more frequently than we used to, but usually on his own. Similarly I do the lion's share when it comes to supporting my parents.

I do see my son, she just doesn’t come with him. He will pop in after work and I also ring and WhatsApp him regularly.

I have told him I miss her but he’s just said she’s really busy and will try to come up. Around the time of the wedding I said I didn’t want to fall out with her and he assured her she hadn’t but I know she doesn’t like me as she isn’t welcoming at all.

It sounds like there are different perceptions going on.

You thought you were close to her as she visited often and chatted to you.
She probably thought she was visiting your DS and being polite while she was there.

You miss your 'baby DS' who took the longest to move out.
He thinks he's grown up and quite possibly doesn't want to be the 'baby' anymore.

She doesn't have to like you, I'm afraid. As long as she isn't actually rude to you, you can't complain. She may not actively dislike you, you may just not be her kind of person. Don't nag her or your son unless you want to see him less than you do.

It sounds like your DIL works long hours, maybe more so than your son?

There’s nothing stopping him coming to yours in the evening if your DIL is still working, would you be happy with that? Or do you want them both to come to yours together?

Also, does your son drive?

I have thought about this but she would take me to places when DS lived here. I would also buy her gifts and she would message me loads when she wasn’t here. I would cook her tea and buy her snacks. She baked me a birthday cake.

She isn’t rude now, she just isn’t the same. Very cold. Will make small talk but it’s all surface level. Our relationship completely changed once DS moved out. I can’t tell him she’s rude to me because she isn’t. She just obviously doesn’t like me.

Yes he does do that but I am asking if iabu expecting to see her even sometimes. I guess I am.

I do see my son, she just doesn’t come with him. He will pop in after work and I also ring and WhatsApp him regularly.

I think you are the lady who posted about what you considered unfair about Mother's Day and how both mothers should be treated exactly the same.

I also think you mentioned that you ring your son very frequently indeed which also causes friction between everybody.

You got a lot of valuable advice on your last thread but it seems you are here again posing the same questions.

You said you didn’t want to fall out? But did you actually apologise?

People seem to have real form nowadays for seeing saying sorry as backing down and come up with all sorts “I’m sorry I upset you” or “I don’t want to fall out”. They then think they’ve won as they didn’t have to admit they were wrong, but are then surprised when the other party backs off heavily.

Your opening post asks how much is normal for a DIL to see in-laws, there’s obviously no right answer. But actually here there is more of a really relevant back story. Because you say your DIL hates you, there’s obviously a reason for that that you are aware of, and so the only advice can be you need to put that right.

My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later. If you wait until kids appear, she will see that as the motivation for the olive branch rather than a genuine attempt at reconciliation and it will backfire.

I don't see my MIL as much as my DH as he works close enough to go and visit or stay the night, he commutes so it is easier for him to go on his own.

I probably see her 5 - 6 times a year as we live over 120 miles away and go as a family during school holidays for the day.

I think you know you have said or done something to upset her

I thought i had a good relationship with my MIL, soon found out I was wrong. So now I visit occasionally (Christmas/Mother's day). Make polite conversation and be polite

I think you have to accept the situation

I always go to visit my DiLs. If I showed up on their doorstep, unexpectedly, (I don’t) one would panic, she hadn’t hoovered or tidied (her house is always immaculate) but would still welcome me, put the kettle on and then hoover; while the other would give me a hug then start changing her bed linen (she doesn’t have a spare room)! I live 3 hours away from one and 4 from the other!
I adore them both and they both like me 😀

Yes I did apologise but we didn’t actually fall out. There was a misunderstanding about something and I made it clear I was in the wrong and I didn’t want a fall out. He said they hadn’t fallen out with me.

there was never any argument or disagreement, we never stopped talking etc and DS assured me they hadn’t fallen out with me I am just presuming she has used a very minor reason as a justification to not want to talk to me anymore.

Do you have plans to move closer to them all? That would probably make more sense if they're all close together but far from you

What was the minor confusion before their wedding? You’ve cited this as her reason for hating you, but given no information about what happened.

What actually happened? I am asking because my MIL also doesn't understand why I keep my distance from her. She thinks she did something minor but actually, it really hurt me. Could this be a similar situation, perhaps?

There was a small confusion about money but I accepted full responsibility for it.

But it sounds like your DIL is still at work when your son visits you, it’s not like she’s actively avoiding you, she has a job with longer hours than your son 🤷‍♀️

Also, from some of your later comments it sounds like your “mistake” that you apologised for before the wedding may have caused a break down of the relationship.

Obviously we don’t know if this is a very simple mistake, like getting the name of a family member wrong, or more of a “I called my DIL a gold digging whore, but have since apologised and don’t understand why she won’t forgive me” mistake.

In some situations an apology will never be enough to fix a relationship.

My DH visits his parents more often without me than with me nowadays...it's usually just special occasions I go with him now. There are a few reasons for this in honesty:

My DH and PIL's son are different people...as soon as we step into their house he goes from being my husband to their son. I like him less and have very little respect for him and his mum loves it because it's like having her teenage son back in the house and she panders to the it. I can't stand it.

I find that my MIL undermines me where the DC are concerned when we're at their house and it feels like a constant battle and I can't be bothered with it anymore. Unless it's a special occasion, I will only see them in my house or somewhere neutral (meet up somewhere) and she does not get to undermine me.

My DH wants to see his parents more frequently than I do.

It boils down to a choice of I could go with him and the kids and have to deal with the above or I can have some time to myself. The latter generally wins.

Never. But they live 5 hours away and we have two young children, both of which have been exclusively breastfed

I go pretty much every time unless there's a reason I just can't, I love my MIL. I didn't go recently because DS had an inset day and DH was off work and it was FILs birthday so they went up stayed overnight and went out for the day, I had work training I couldn't get out of. I was really disappointed not to be there!

OP are you the poster whose son was her carer but has now moved in with his DP and you constantly post complaining his DW treats her mum better than she treats you?

you really need to try and get over this toxic hatred of your daughter in law as you will lose your son over it