How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

Hold on a minute. Your expectations are that once the relationship is fixed, they would come for dinner weekly, and more often than that if they have DC?

That is too much pressure. Quarter it.

DIL here. We live 300 miles away from MIL. She drives yet hasn't visited us in 6 years. We both used to go see her 3 or 4 times a year. Occasionally I'd send DH on his own because I needed space from him lol we have seen MIL twice in the past year. Once for a funeral and the other when we were coming home from our holiday. She made excuses and went upstairs for the evening both times. I don't think she likes me, my kids or her son tbh. Yet we are going to visit her next week because I feel we kinda have to. I'm sure she will only do something else to make us feel unwelcome.

Now that you have admitted to being the poster of the other threads mentioned:
Back off with the guilt tripping and emotional manipulation! You will drive both of them away for good.

They will likely be living further away once babies come along so weekly dinners and additional midweek visits are not in your future, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and it's no ones fault but yours.

OP, do you really not see that all your threads are very relevant, and you should be taking the advice that you received on previous ones? You will push them both away for good if you keep up like this.

I see my MIL 1-2 times per month, and it’s probably about 50:50 as to who hosts. She lives about 50 minutes away, doesn’t drive either but will happily get the bus. DH usually drops her home but she doesn’t expect lifts. FIL is more frail and we only see him when we visit their house. I like my PIL and would be happy to see them more often but it’s trickier due to distance, our jobs and because MIL looks after SIL’s DC (they live on the same street).

If I worked FT however, I think it would be more difficult to manage because I’d be trying to squeeze everything into the weekend. Especially if MIL expected to be brought to our house. I did see that you are disabled so obviously you can’t help that though! We have a Mobility car due to DH’s walking difficulties but I appreciate we are lucky to have it.

I think op just be glad that your DS sees you more frequently and I’m sure he’ll ensure that future GC will too.

I rarely go - just occasions. I see it as them spending time together and I change the dynamic.

She may just have her own busy life - marrying your son doesn't mean she has to be super close to you and seeing someone weekly in my neck of the woods is pretty unheard of (relations or friends).

My mil pops up probably every other day, we both WFH so she often nips in for a coffee. she grabs the kids ad hoc and if my husbands about shel say hi but she’s not that arsed about him 🤣 she’s my little pal and we have drinks/go out and do spa days. I love her , and I see / get on with her much more than my own mother. She’s a diamond. Albeit slightly nuts but we’re super close

This!

OP I think you would get on amazingly well with my MIL. If you can send me your DILs number as we’d have loads in common!

There was a huge bust up on DH’s side just before the wedding as I dropped the bombshell that I would only be visiting once a month or so (as that’s how much I see my own family).

It was like I had called their granny a cunt and kicked their dog. They were willing to compromise that if it was for example my mum’s birthday I wouldn’t have to go to theirs for Sunday lunch. In an ideal world I would see PIL during the week to do a ‘fun’ activity then Sunday lunch.

MIL also kicked off that she wasn’t invited dress shopping. The funniest thing was is that she shot herself in the foot as she pulled the biggest face when I said the appointment was in London and she said ‘why don’t you do it in insert their town ’ Umm why would I make my mum and sisters travel two hours in the opposite direction just for her convenience. I wanted to make special memories when my mum and sisters. We rarely all get together and mum wanted to give me the same experience she had got from her mum. Having MIL being the centre of attention was not the vibe at all (she still messaged me during my appointment with her negativity…)

Anyway, cut a long story short, I snapped and decided that I had enough for her demands. I’ve not seen her for two years. When I had my daughter I’d sit upstairs while she’d visited. She’s completely blocked from my social media and I hope to never set eyes on her again.

DH and I don’t really see parents much despite them living nearby.

My parents live about 2 miles away and my DH would never visit them without me. He wouldn’t even know their phone number.

In 20 years I don’t think I’ve ever visited MIL without DH and even then it’s only very occasionally. We don’t have anything like big extended family get togethers.

Our social life very much centres around friends not family.

OMG - if its the prior threads I'm thinking of then of course your DIL doesn't like you. It's not about the wedding, its about the overbearing level of contact you seem to expect from your son. I have very small children and I do get that it must be hard to go from being their everything to occasional contact - but that is part of the role - you need to have a full enough life to not be emotionally dependent on your child who is trying to live his own life.

My sons visit with the grandchildren. Often my DILs use the break to do washing, tidy up mess at weekends etc. I've been in their shoes, you can get a lot done when husband takes the kids off for a walk then visit grand parents.

I'm glad my sons do take responsibility for their children, it's not just mums job.

I do also see my DILs , they're not avoiding us 🤣

She's been very clear that she doesn't want a close relationship with you. You on the other hand would like her and The Baby of The Family to go round for tea once a week, and come and collect you and take you to her house for visits.

That's two sets of expectations that are quite wide apart. I think that you need to accept that she doesn't like you, and let her not like you. It might be due to the "misunderstanding" over money prior to the wedding, it might be a more general personality clash. The reason isn't important, but you need to accept it because that's the only way through this peacefully.

You won't be able to really make ground with her if your son is there too. Don't invite him. What you need to do is build a relationship with DIL. You've already got a relationship with your son

100% agree. DIL does not owe OP any sort of relationship. DIL does not want a relationship. If OP wants anything to do with her then it has to be on DIL's terms. OP can moan about that all she wants, but that's how it is. DIL does not owe her anything.

My mil doesn't particularly like me. I think she blames me for making her son move further away from home (he was already 2hrs but used to see them more regularly before he met me). But maybe she just doesn't like who I am.

I am the one who sends him down with the kids at least once or twice a year in school holidays whilst I'm at work.

I've insisted that he contacts her to see if she fancies lunch when we've been on holiday in the area (we'd already stopped on the way down) and I was rewarded with lots of PA bitchy digs. She's fine with everyone else though.
Last time she came up she actually blanked me if I spoke if DH and kids weren't present.

I see my MIL once a week, we get on really well & I look forward to seeing her.
I am very lucky that my mum also has a great relationship ship with MIL & they even go on holiday together each year.
My mum however has been completely cut off by her DIL. DIL hates my mum & can’t give any good reason as to why, other than they just are very different people. It makes my mum very sad.

I absolutely hate my in laws and refuse to see them, my DP takes the kids to them himself.
My DP and my mum get on incredibly well and he will always come with me and the kids to see her.

You come across as a difficult, self centred and whiney MIL on your other threads

Hence posters think YOU are being difficult etc on this thread

No matter who is at fault YOU want a relationship with DIL therefore YOU are going to have to put in the effort and work to build up a relationship with her

Otherwise they'll have kids and you'll be starting a thread on MN telling us that you can't see your grandchildren

THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD BRIDGES WITH DIL

Don't mess it up

Also - why does anyone have to book a restaurant FOR YOU? Book it yourself @AnotherSadMIL

Mil is abroad but we video call once a week. I see my parents once a week.

My sils will usually visit my parents (just dad now) weeklyish (the older one doesn’t always come when her kids or my brother does). They both had an amazing relationship with mum when she was alive & would call her daily just for a chat . Mum like my mil preferred calls to visits so it was lower pressure & mum often cooked meals for sil that my db could just pick up. They were never formally invited for lunch but mum could say dinner’s ready if you want to have it here or pick it up. Mum also paid for all trips out.

Try inviting them to the pub locally one day and see what they say. You do need to talk to your son and daughter in law seperately too, not just as a ‘unit’. If individual relationships aren’t solid then they want bother as a couple.

I remember the previous thread and here you are back again still overly invested in their lives and blaming your DIL for everything. In the hope you might read and take in some of the advice given, here's my tuppence worth:

You need to reduce your involvement in their lives and lower your expectations of what is normal/reasonable.

A weekly phone call & one or 2 visitis a month = perfectly reasonable.

A weekly visit on top of multiple calls & Whatsapp a week = suffocating.

Having a weekly in person meeting is a just too much. They work FT, presumably have a social life, also will want some time alone as a couple plus her family commitments. Once of twice a month more usual IME

I just dont understand why you keep starting these threads every few days, you clearly dont like your DiL, blame her for everything and this thread is just another excuse for a dig. You've treated her poorly in the past, maybe she's now taking her cues from you...and I don't blame her