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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

811 replies

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:06

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

OP posts:
CheesePlantBoxes · 07/03/2025 12:08

They didn't do anything.

Your DIL organised something for her mum and he tagged along.

Your son can just as well do the same.for you.

What effort did he go to before he was in a relationship?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/03/2025 12:08

Nope YABU it is nothing to do with your DIL. Your son is responsible for how he wants to celebrate mother's day with you. If you want to go for a meal or something then why don't you speak to him and organized it?

I spend mother's day with my mum, if my husband wanted to see his mum that's fine but he can go on his own

Hadalifeonce · 07/03/2025 12:09

I do understand how you feel, but, I will bet your son dies nothing for his partner's mother.
If you want to do something, speak to your son about a lunch or something else with them.

Introducingme · 07/03/2025 12:09

It's not up to your Dil to arrange any card or gifts.
That is your DS job.
Don't start comparing you against her mum you will never win.

Purpleturtle43 · 07/03/2025 12:10

I agree with PP, you can't expect your son's partner to organise things for you, it has to be down to him. Does she club in with her siblings for a president? That might be why it looks with the other Mum gets more.

Glorybox2025 · 07/03/2025 12:10

That was HER celebration for her own mum. Your son could do the same for you if he wanted. Mother's Day isn't a joint couple thing.

CaffeineBomb · 07/03/2025 12:11

Honestly, I think it's up to your son to organise mothers day gifts for you, not your DIL. If your son gets you something similar to what he always has then I don't think the fact that DIL gets something more lavish for her Mum is a slight on you.

I've been married for 12 years and it's up to DH to sort gifts for his Mum and I sort mine, it's never occurred to me that the gifts should be "equal".

Writerbiter · 07/03/2025 12:11

Why is this women's work? It's up to your son to sort out your present and a meal.

I adore my mother in law, I've known her for more than 20 years but it's still my husband's responsibility to get her mothers day gifts (same with her birthday and Christmas). I might remind him of the date because I don't want her to miss out but I'm not sorting anything.

partygate · 07/03/2025 12:11

He’s treating you how raised him. He’s honouring mothers’ day in the same way he’s always done. She’s chosen to make more effort for her mother. It is not her job to take over his duties to you. If your son wants to do better he will.

anicecuppateaa · 07/03/2025 12:13

It’s up to your son to organise. This mothers day we are taking my mum out and for afternoon tea. I’ve also booked her a massage on the Friday as she is coming to stay for the weekend. DH’s mum will likely not even get a card, even if I remind him. I don’t usually get birthday cards from ILs so don’t think it’s my place to organise for him.

appleenish · 07/03/2025 12:14

Why isn't she keen on you?

toastofthetown · 07/03/2025 12:14

Echoing the comments that it’s on your son and not your DIL gifts for Mother’s Day. It’s also for your son and DIL to separately decide what gifts they want to give and what they each do for their respective mothers on Mother’s Day. I spend more on my mum than DH does on his because that’s how we’ve always done it. It’s not a day which I’ve ever gone out of my to visit my Mum or MIL on though and not something I place a lot of importance on. If you want to go out for lunch with your son, suggest it to him. It might be worth considering why your DIL doesn’t like you and if there’s anything you can do to repair that relationship, outside of Mother’s Day

Original poster
Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

CheesePlantBoxes · 07/03/2025 12:08

They didn't do anything.

Your DIL organised something for her mum and he tagged along.

Your son can just as well do the same.for you.

What effort did he go to before he was in a relationship?

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 07/03/2025 12:15

Your son has only ever just sent a card and gift, so it's not like he's choosing to see her mum when normally he'd see you.

If you've always been (outwardly) happy with a card & gift, then he probably just sees it as a difference in how different families do things. Neither are inherently right or wrong.

My DH gets his mum a Mother's Day present. I do nothing for my mother, as per her request. What I do for my mum has no bearing on what DH does for his.

Letsgocamping67 · 07/03/2025 12:16

You have no idea how much her mum does for her that she is thanking her for on Mother’s Day. You are being very unreasonable.

Meadowfinch · 07/03/2025 12:16

I'd imagine your DIL organises her mum's present. Your ds organises your present.

I'd take it up with your son.

Glorybox2025 · 07/03/2025 12:16

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

Show quote history

Wow! Their finances are none of your business and you're making a lot of assumptions there!

Original poster
Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:16

appleenish · 07/03/2025 12:14

Why isn't she keen on you?

Nothing has happened. It’s just a feeling I get. Her family are very involved, particularly in the wedding planning and I am not.

OP posts:
Glorybox2025 · 07/03/2025 12:17

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:16

Nothing has happened. It’s just a feeling I get. Her family are very involved, particularly in the wedding planning and I am not.

Show quote history

How involved is your son in the wedding planning!? Maybe it shouldn't be so but it's usual for the woman to be more involved in planning weddings, and she's more likely to ask her mum for help than you.

Snorlaxo · 07/03/2025 12:17

You are assuming that your son is paying and organising MIL’s treat when it’s very possible that the meal is her treat for her mum and they have an agreement to sort out their respective mums.

Did your son take you out on Mothers Day before he dated his current partner? If not, I wouldn’t assume he would suddenly do things like pay for a meal.

Squeakpopcorn · 07/03/2025 12:17

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

Show quote history

We woulf get a take away or he would he a take away? Either way it doesn’t like sound the presedent was set very high.

JoyousEagle · 07/03/2025 12:17

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

Firstly, that's none of your business.

Secondly, how aware of their finances are you? They may have their own personal spends that your son choose to spend on stuff for himself, whereas your DIL spends more on family gifts.

Simplynotsimple · 07/03/2025 12:18

As others have said, it’s absolutely not on your daughter in law to sort a gift or card out for you. That’s on your son completely. Though if he does nothing for you without good reason (in that you have a good relationship) I’d be very wary if I was your future daughter in law. Hope he realises that for the first few years it’s on him to get her a card/gift from any children they may have. Have you spoken to him about how hurtful you find it that he hasn’t shown similar effort?

CostcoBuns · 07/03/2025 12:18

My son is crap with presents and special days. He's great at doing little things all year round and spending time with me for no reason other than he wants to.
My daughter loves to celebrate event days and buy big gesture presents.
They both show me how much they care in their own way and I'm more than happy with it.
If your son is attentive and caring the rest of the year, does it really matter that he doesn't go all out on Mother's day?
If he isn't, you have a son problem.

Everydayimhuffling · 07/03/2025 12:18

You said that he always gets you a card and a small gift. Why are you expecting that to change just because his wife's family do something different? I get my mum something for Mother's Day because we always celebrated it as children; DP doesn't do anything for his mum because they never did. You set this expectation, OP. If you want it to change then you'll have to say to your son, "actually, can we do X this year for Mother's Day". But bear in mind that his wife has probably planned something with her mum already this year.

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