How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

It does sound like you might be the issue not her, you say she “hates you” but want to have a good relationship with her. If that’s possible then she can’t hate you. I’m guessing you look for people to reassure you constantly and maybe she doesn’t notice or is irritated by it, many people are.

I’m sure you’re not doing this deliberately but maybe try and see the glass half full, she came to see you for Christmas isn’t that lovely. Also before she has your grandchildren I wouldn’t expect a DIL to visit at all unless it was a special occasion. So it sounds about right really 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's so sad when the older generations try to set the rules. My MIL was so zen. She played golf most mornings, bridge twice a week. Her golf and bridge partners were formidable women who'd got through a world war without men and married post war, mid thirties before they had first baby .

We didn't see them routinely at weekends. I refused to Cook a Sunday roast thus mucking up the whole day . Nor did MIL.

If my DIL didn't like me I'd just back away, give her space.

OP - if you are the same OP - then I'm unsure what new advice this site can offer you. You want people here to agree that your DiL is a terrible person which, whilst it may be very gratifying to your ego, is unlikely to be of any real help to you or anyone else. You're already had pages of advice around a clear theme: focus on your relationship with your son and stop looking to fix the blame on your DiL. She will know what your attitude is toward her: the fact that she has completely distanced herself should be telling you as much. Yet another few months down the line, you're posting another thread with 'DiL' in the title. To the impartial bystander you are coming across as fixated on the woman.

The best thing you can possibly do in this situation is to let her go. She has set down her boundaries and they couldn't be any clearer. There is, bluntly, no advice MN can give you as to what you 'do' about this as you have not been given the choice. Your only option is to respect her wishes and hope that, in doing so, they will eventually come back.

She may or she may not. In any sense, your relationship with your son is your primary concern, or should be. If you don't want to push him away then you need to make this relationship your focus and stop harping on his wife. Do otherwise and this won't end well for you.

It's up to you.

Thing is even fixing one thing like the timing of the calls doesn’t remove all the small annoying things you’ve done.

Also let’s just pause. You’ve changed your calling habit. Yay! But now you want dinner once a week that’s not exactly going to make them jump for joy is it? A 15 minute phone call swapped for an hours drive plus the actual time taken up by the meal and that’s without if they need to pick you up or drop you off if it’s an out out meal.

You swap one demand on their time for another demand on their time.

I dare you op. Don’t contact them either of them for one whole month, unless it’s something like their birthday or other congrats news for them. Let them contact you on their time around their schedule. See how much contact is their happy place. You won’t like it, they will.

Like someone else posted, my MIL was a primary school teacher in a small village. She was home by 4 every day and had a lot of time off throughout the year. She had absolutely no comprehension of the fact that most people do not have that sort of time off, and most people work much longer hours. I cannot even begin to imagine having time for a family dinner once a week. We both work full time in busy jobs, we have a child, we both need to exercise, we want to spend time together as a family with our child.
OP expecting a family dinner once a week is incredibly demanding and unrealistic. There goes at least a quarter of the weekend for DS and DIL. And that's before they can do their life admin and maybe see other family and friends!

But you are back again with another thread whereby you are stating you want to see even more of your son and would like them to come over once a week.

This simply is not realistic or what they want to do. Out of interest how many times a week are you now messaging and phoning your son as you say you have reduced this amount?

At least you've cut down on the phone calls. But once a week is completely unreasonable. Why do your other kids get off the hook?

They live much further away

Do they get the regular phone calls and WhatsApps?

You do realise this son and his wife will likely move much too far away as well.

nowhere near siblings either so you can’t decide to move close by to them all.

There’s sounding like a big reason all your children live far away and it isn’t just work…

You say "Money misunderstanding" but I hear 'You promised them money so that was part of their budget when booking things, and then you let them down'.

This is mainly because ILs are old fashioned in terms of expecting a visit where everyone sits around and chats for an hour or two

Oh, this was SO my in-laws. When our dc were small, we both WOTH and both in jobs that needs us to work at home in the evenings too. We were also both involved in volunteering, and then, as the dc got to school age, involved in supporting the dc to get to all the usual things like swimming lessons and football and cubs and the like. Not once did they ever come to a match (either to support the dgc or just to chat to us) let alone offer to take one of the dc to one of their things. Which is fine, of course they don't have to, but then they would want both dh and me to sit there for an evening 'chatting' about inane stuff, when we barely had a minute to ourselves, and never had time when both of us were both doing nothing. Absolutely no concept that we didn't have time to 'just sit' with everything else going on.

Well, I can see why they might, and he will follow them as you've said if you don't step back. Do you phone them as much?

I love my children, their wives, grandchildren. No way would I be tied down every Sunday for a meal. Husband goes fishing, weather dependent. Sons and family go walking, beaching, visiting attractions at weekends.

We rarely phone each other but share pictures on WhatsApp of our activities if they're interesting.

We've food, toys etc if they do drop in. That's a pleasure.

Whilst it nice to have a good relationship with in laws it isn't the necessity particularly as they are not blood related. I think the key thing is you have a relationship with your son. I think perhaps you need to manage your expectation - perhaps your DIL doesn't care or not emotionally invested in having a relationship with you.

I definitely don’t start a new one every few days.

But by your own admission you've done 2 or 3 (is this the third?) since March all basically on the same issue. For crying out loud, listen to some of the advice or get some therapy. MN can't help you if you won't adapt your mindset.

It depends on how far away you are really. My mil is 400 miles away so involves a couple of nights stay therefore I don't go as much as my husband. I don't think she minds as she will enjoy catching up with her son.

Same here. But then I like my MIL.

Hardly a huge concession if you’ve cut down on a phone call, but want to replace it with a weekly visit. 🤣

I don’t think mumsnet can help you OP

OP, it's obvious that you are simply seeking validation for your dislike of your DIL, but the fact is, no one here agrees with you. What are you going to do about it? Continue to complain about her on online forums? That will not fix your problem. You need to seriously adjust your expectations and your attitude. There is a very good reason why your other children live far away and don't visit. Your DS and DIL will be moving far away too soon if you keep this up.

My MiL objected to us getting engaged - apparently she wanted to choose if and when her son got engaged (we still got engaged when we wanted to and she then tried damage limitation!).

Since then, I've weathered lots of rude comments that were played as 'misinterpreted' or 'inadvertently rude'. I could write a book about the things she has said to try to drive a wedge between us. She made cloaked comments about me keeping her son from her, when in realistically we went to see her when I said, 'Don't you think we should see your parents this weekend?' we used to go to see them at least once a month, sometimes every 3 weeks, almost always together and then with the children. They rarely came to see us - literally 3 or 4 times in 30 years.

I've only ever been seen by her as an inconvenience. She knows nothing about me.....because she's never asked!

A couple of years ago, as our children needed ferrying around at the weekend to get to their work, and my Mum needed more support, he started going on his own. Honestly, she's happier and I am too! I never stop him from going or telling I don't want him to - I just don't want to go either.

I see her on her birthday and that's it.

...he still only goes out of duty, though!

It would only have ever taken her to be pleasant to me for me to think completely differently of her. Be careful how you treat those in your son's life, because there are there because he wants them to be and he values them.

I love my MIL, but haven't seen her for over a year. DH has visited several times. Life has just got in the way (we're different ends of the country).

Before kids, never on my own. After, loads on my own with kids in tow. And we aren’t super close, but they’re her grandkids and she dotes on them so…

This is so sad op.

but to hearten you: I didn’t see much of MIL when it was just me and dh. Lots of reasons - career in take off, socialising, didn’t think we would be “friends” as she is my mum in law, so someone I would take time to get to know but not be pals with.

Once baby came along I saw mil at least once a week, even though they were 40 mins away. I had to push this a bit! My MiL isn’t very communicative and actually I’d love a much closer relationship especially as my mum passed away.

We should swap, I’d love you as a mil.

You've said above she came to see you, chatted and called loads when your DS was living with you. Which is it?

OP, you come across as extremely needy, which would be a turn off to most DILs and eventually wear down even the best of relationships.

I would back way off and be grateful that your son continues to visit. You have unreasonable expectation of the attention your son and especially your DIL should be giving you. She has her own family and friends and life. She doesn't owe you anything and it sounds like your relationship with her has broken down beyond the point of repair. She has established boundaries, and rightfully so given your behavior.

It sounds like your son is trying his best to maintain a relationship with you, but he is a married man now and putting all the responsibility on him like picking you up, making reservations, and constantly having to explain why is wife is busy (an excuse he is giving you, imo) may eventually drive him away. A weekly dinner demand is excessive and unrealistic, especially given the state of your relationship with your DIL.

The tone of every single one of your comments is very focused on your needs and what you think your son and DIL should be doing for you--and it never seems to be enough for you. That type of attitude is what has gotten you to this point in the first place.