How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

Yes she did. I’ve said she stopped when he moved out. They got engaged after he moved out.

I’ve read your other threads and you still don’t get it, she doesn’t want a relationship with you. The more you push, the less likely it is going to happen because I suspect she doesn’t want to feel obligated to the level of contact that you expect. You have regular contact with your son, why isn’t that enough? If he decides to lave less contact, it will have nothing to do with his wife but more to do with the pressure you him under about contact with his wife.

You are not entitled to her time and it’s that sense of entitlement that’s probably putting her off. The more you write, the more I can see why his wife probably wants little contact.

Back off!!!!

She came because it was his home and she wanted to see him. You were there and she was polite.

You were not the reason she came. You are going to be the reason they both stop though, if you keep demanding their time. Especially when you don't do it to your other children. I live 4 hours minimum drive from my parents. I will go there every month or two, because I want to see my parents. The fact you don't see the others speaks volumes.

But surely that’s because she was coming round… to see him?

When PIL were alive, maybe once a month or so - it varied as they did holiday a lot when they were in their slightly younger years. They also did a bit of looking after the grandchildren (not just ours) so I'd sometimes go to pick up whoever had stayed over, sometimes DH went on his own.
We weren't particularly close and are very different, so once a month was OK for me. DH went a lot more - at least once a fortnight esp when they got more elderly and then it was once a week (on the weekend).
When my own DM was alive, I never would have expected DH (he wasn't DH then) to see her more than once a month. I prefred to see her on my own anyway so we could catch up ont he goss, etc. They did get on quite well though, my DM was very easy going.
Def not a MIL yet but if I ever am, it will be interesting to see what the dynamics are like between me and any future in-law child. I should imagine if we got on well it could be a very nice relationship, but if not then it would be surface/civil only. Only one DC had a serious rel so far but it was when they were at uni and so I never met the other person.

Honestly, just because she doesn't see you as often as you'd like, doesn't mean she hates you.
I didn't hate my MIL but she was older and quite hard work.

I instantly recognised you from previous posts where have been told repeatedly you need to back off. I’m not surprised they want space. You clearly aren’t ever going to listen to people here.

You don’t put any of this pressure on your other children. You seem entirely fixated on your DIL and the repeated posts about her show this.

But she was only coming round to see your son. She wasn't coming to personally visit you. Your son lived with you hence the reason she visited your home.

Of course she stopped personally visiting your home as frequently when your son moved out to go and live with her.

In all your posts you are clearly demanding too much of their time and they are not going to want to visit you for a meal every week as you now seem to want.

My DILs live a long way away, like world distance, so that's the reason we don't visit. But the occasions we do see them are painful, because they are very boring. They have done lots of travelling and have literally nothing to say about any of the places they have visited. My FIL is quite grumpy, my MIL is only really interested in talking about the 'fresh fruit and vegetables' she can buy at their local supermarket. They are quite capable of sitting through a meal in silence, the only sound being knife and fork scraping. It is incredibly wearing, and my heart sinks at the prospect of their visits.

Are you very dull, OP? Do you have nothing to say?

I'm afraid this is true.

I can see that you are having to adjust to the empty nest that you have now that your DS no longer lives with you. But this is something that you just have to face and crack on with.

You have put a burden on your son that you don't put on your other children that your son has even complained about in the past, and yet here you are again not facing up to the situation.

On the one hand you now mention that you don't phone your son as much as you were (and frankly you were phoning him far far too often) and then on the other hand you now want him to visit for a meal every week on top of the fact that he does drop in and see you sometimes after work. It's all simply too much.

You already ring them and ask them what they are doing at the weekend and if they casually say not much you dive straight in and ask them to come over. Sometimes couples just want down time on their own at the weekend without any plans at all.

If you have a sister locally can you not try and build more of a social life with her to expand your horizons in other ways that do not involve your son?

It's all somewhat greek tragedy. Mother, vying with DIL for sons attention. Quite distasteful and Freudian.

OP, did you also post about how you call your son when you know his wife is getting home from work, and you expressed surprise and annoyance that he gets off the phone to greet her? The OP of that thread thought her son was in a controlling relationship. That OP thought that 3 x 15 minute phone calls a week was perfectly acceptable. Was that you?

I know which thread you are referring to and no that wasn’t me. DIL works from home.

I try to ring DS on his lunch break now anyway.

How often?

He’s probably trying to eat his lunch on his lunch break 🙄

So now he doesn't get a lunch break to relax.

You could try waiting for him to phone you.

Give him some space. He isn’t your best friend, he needs to live his life. On his lunch break he will want to eat his lunch and have some DOWN TIME from work. That doesn’t mean spending it entertaining his mother, having social “catch ups”

Most folk want to sit alone on their lunch breaks because they’ve just spent hours chatting and being “switched on.” Let him switch off and relax. You’re stressing us out just reading your posts I can’t imagine how stressed out your son and DIL are.

He seems happy to talk on his lunch break, he asked me not to call after a certain time so I don’t. If I ring and he doesn’t answer I don’t ring back unless it’s important. I wait a few days or wait until he returns my call. I have taken advice from previous threads.

Why not just wait for him to call in general? Doesn’t seem like you can give him a week without trying.

How often do you call your other DC?

Also to add I don’t think my son is in a controlling relationship like that poster either! I wouldn’t want to have a better relationship with DIL if I thought it was a controlling relationship.

This would be the best way forward letting him contact you.

I see my PILs about twice a year. They live in the same town as my parents but two hours from us so if I go to see my mum with the kids I might pop in for a cuppa but usually not as I don't find them easy to spend time with and nor do the kids. (They aren't horrible, just incredibly boring)

I see my parents more often because they come to visit us but the PILs won't drive here any more so we're see them much less

My husband would frequently stop by during the workday to see his mum so I would have been unable to join him. It was always a relief when I didn't have to go. It is not that I hated my MIL we just had very little to talk about and it sometimes felt awkward.

it be nice for us to have a weekly dinner at my house. Then when grandchild come along they will be able to come more often.

Your DIL doesn't want a closer relationship, though. 🤔😅