How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

It's very rare that I don't visit when my husband goes, and that will be due to already having plans. I've also visited them without him! Especially when the kids were small.

I visited mine more, before the baby. When we had the baby, they never came to us. DH would bring the baby to see her, occasionally. I didn’t go, it was a little break for me.

I liked my MIL but she tended to bitch about family members, I’d already heard it all before… Everyone had to come to her. I missed seeing her, but not her company if you see what I mean?

Why does she hate you? Does she go out when you visit them?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas.

So what happens when you invite them over for lunch on a Sunday? What do they actually say to that?

Why does she “hate” you? Are you just not her kind of people or do you put expectations on how family should behave, demands on your son, or treat siblings differently?

Seems a bit sad that you want this resolved now there’s the whiff of grandchildren in the air rather than a year ago. It’s probably set a bit of a tone now.

They say they are busy and have plans. They never come over for lunch even though I know they aren’t busy because I will ring and ask what they are doing this weekend and if they’re off work and then when I invite them over for lunch it’s sorry we’re busy.

I’ve never been to their house. They’ve never invited me over. The one time I rang and asked if they could bring me over I was told no as she was working late.

It’s very much her house as DS moved into it so I suspect that’s the reason.

Ah, that definately does sound as though they don't want to spend time with you yes.

Have you an idea why?

I always visit my my husband. And so do my kids. Sometimes I visit without my husband if she needs anything - for example when they moved houses I came to help.

I see my PILs more often then DH does! But I'm pretty sure the attraction is DDs not me. I didn't see them very much before we had children.

I see my MIL all the time. My DH is posted overseas and she comes a lot to do our garden, comes with me to school plays etc and takes my daughter for days out. My sons are grown up but also see her regularly. I haven’t seen my own mum in 13 years and my MIL has really stepped up for me. It is possible to have a good relationship but I do agree there has to be real affection on both sides for it to work. It wasn’t always easy between us as we are VERY different people but I decided I had to let a lot of stuff go over my head and now I really do care a lot for her.

Why did you ask if they could bring you over? Do you not drive/live to far for a taxi?
If so that could be part of the reason, if it's a long journey they may not want to pop over and use up half the day travelling just for lunch there.

I see my in laws usually once a week, I might occasionally not go round if I'm really busy or want a break from DS but otherwise see them most weeks. Used to see them in the week when DC was a baby without DH. I'd rather see my MIL than my mum to be honest!

Why does she hate you? Has something happened?

How far away do they live?

DH and I live 2 hours away from his mum.

Honestly, I'd be happy never visiting her again. However it's me that initiates most of the visits, if I left it to DH he could go years before he notices that he hasn't been to visit. Luckily for her, she lives in the same direction as my mum so we always go and see both.

Yes I do go on 99% of the visits but only because I'm providing the transport and seeing my mum. Otherwise I'd absolutely have got him to go on his own.

And if you want her to like you, you have to be likeable. My DM put the effort in with my DH. My MIL did not do the same with me. Result is DH would rather see my mum than his own.

Maybe your question would be better being ''How can i improve my relationship with DIL?''.

I mean - there are so many variants here. The distance. Her age. Age of their relationship. Culture. Your relationship with your son. Your expectations and why ect ect

To me, the fact that you're already picturing HER damaging your relationship with grandchildren which don't even exist yet says more about you than it does her to be brutally honest ....

I was always closest to DS as he lived with me the longest! Not anymore. I don’t treat the others differently, if anything DS was the baby!

I am closer to my other DIL because they invite me over and I can go and stay the weekend with them, that isn’t my fault.

There was a minor confusion about something before they got married which was my fault and I took responsibility for but I know she’s taken that as a reason to hate me. She wasn’t bothered about me before then though, just used it as a reason. When DS lived with me she would pop over all of the time and be very chatty and spend ages talking to me. As soon as he moved out she just wasn’t bothered anymore.

I have a good relationship with my DIL of 20 years but it's usually my son who initiates contact and does cards etc. Sometimes he or I will arrange a meal out/a barbecue and she always attends but if it's just pop in for coffee or meet up at cafe it's usually just him and (sometimes) 17yr old GC. I see it more that she's giving us space rather than any negative vibe. We've all holidayed together and had a great time so I know it's not personal. My sister's DIL won't allow any contact with son unless she's present and I know which I'd prefer!!

Before our children I rarely visited, possibly once every few months, dh would visit straight after his work while I was still at mine.

once the children were born we would visit once a week mainly on a Sunday which was so fucking annoying as they sat inside with windows closed even on the hottest days.

as children got older dh would visit on a Friday without me..

edited to say I got on with in-laws well, but hated that the expectation was that we visited them , they rarely came to visit us, which got annoying .

I don’t always go to my MIL’s when DH does because he often takes the DC over there so she can look after them when I’m out already/going out/fed up with them!

Only half an hour. I don’t drive as I am disabled.

They are due to move much further away towards my other children so I imagine DS will probably stop coming then too.

I went through a phase of not visiting my in-laws with my DH because he would always turn nasty to me at theirs.
As soon as we walked in the door it was like a different person, he would constantly try to show me up, argue with me in front of them and generally make me feel crap.

I missed seeing my mil but couldn't stand how he behaved. I was younger then (obviously) and didn't know how to address it because it seemed so crazy.

My DH never visits my parents without me though and I often go without him - I don’t think this is a DIL thing!

No DIL yet (although stepson has a longish term girlfriend now). They generally visit together. When my MIL was alive I visited with my husband (and then with my son after he was born), unless he was just dropping in on his way home from work etc.

It does sound as though there is a bit of a back story and quite what the disagreement was before they got married.

Are you the person who posted previously about how mothers should be treated exactly the same on Mother's Day as this all sounds somewhat familiar?