How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

What small confusion?

I was in a relationship with or married to DH for 12 years before his mother died. I never met her, even when we lived 90 mins away and DH went to visit.

I finally met his father last year (parents were still together)

Don’t blame your DIL. Ask your son why he never invites you over to his house. Ask your son why they always make excuses when you invite them to yours.

You're being vague. Which I understand, but also sounds like you know it's worse than you're making out.

Without knowing what the incident was it's impossible to know if this was the cause, or is justified - but sounds like it was.

I see my MIL more than my husband does, and he rarely sees his parents without me (although he does sometimes).

I like my MIL very much. I don't go every time my DH goes (live in same city) but often do and she comes to us too. I am not possessive over the kids so if he wants to take them and I can't go/want to do something else, that's fine. Same goes for my mum.

Once a week now because she looks after my son after school. Pre-kids maybe every few weeks for lunch etc.
Don’t understand DIL’s that don’t want to involve their MIL’s

If ever my OH visited his parents without me neither of them asked how or where I was.

I never really did fit in with my MIL and her idea of marriage. She didn’t approve of me working when we first married despite us not having any children at that point and she thought I should be there at home waiting with DH dinner when he came home from work. That was her life throughout her marriage, she became a drudge with no life of her own…..she was even told who to vote for during elections!

SIL was a jealous mare too. SIL kids were granny reared and she hated me having babies because she thought her own kids would be pushed out. That wasn’t the case because I refused to let MIL have any influence on how we brought our children up.

Eventually, OH turned into his father with an attitude to women along the lines of a caveman teamed with Tarzan.

You see it as minor. She may not, particularly if it were in the run up to something stressful like a wedding. If your apology suggested “this isn’t a big issue so it’s not worth a falling out over”, then again it won’t seem genuine. And on the small confusion, did you apologise, or did you put it right- if they thought you were paying for something, did you pay in the end or leave them finding the money elsewhere?

You seem to think there is no reason for her to hate you. Which suggests you have not accepted the disagreement is of the same importance she has.

Yes this is a good point. You see your son at yours and chat via phone, but he could facilitate you coming to what is now their house, no? Or do you think she is actively stopping him?

My spidey senses feel this stems from the wedding issue. You are keen to minimise. Maybe if you could tell us the bare facts about it and exactly what you said to apologise we could see better?

Some things aren't healed by words, and apologies i will say. The thing might have shown a true feeling or view which can't be taken back. You could answer 'well what else can i do ?!?' ...

we can't help until we know what it was.

Was it a "confusion" or did you make a false accusation?

DS and DIL live about 250 miles away. DS has visited 4/5 times since September. DIL 2/3. We have visited them twice.

MIL is 240 miles away. She and PIL used to stay a lot when he was alive. Since he died DH visits his mother monthly, now every 2/3 weeks because she is elderly and frail. I don't go. I have my own elderly mother to sort out and a busy household to run, alongside a full on full time job. I see MIL once, maybe twice a year.

I expect DIL to be closer to her own mother. My phone contact tends to be with DS, phone contact with DILs side is through DIL.

They are grown ups and have busy lives with their own social and professional obligations.

DH and I split last Christmas . Him to his mother, me and DIL to mine and DS and DIL went to her parents. I doubt DH and I will spend Christmas together for the foreseeable because every Christmas might be their last Christmas. The mothers live about 370 miles apart.

We don't count visits and visits shoukd be a want rather than an obligation. Until parents are elderly and need help.

I was just coming to say very similar - you've posted about this a lot before, haven't you?

Yes I think she’s stopping him. But she has openly said to other DIL she hates people in her house so I am guessing it might not be personal to me. She works from home and DS says she works long hours so I can’t go over. I’ve only asked once. He comes to see me after work. I would just like to have a nice relationship with them both.

I offered them some money towards the wedding when they got engaged and booked their venue and there was a misunderstanding about how much they definitely thought I was going to give them. DIL was upset and she felt let down and I said that there had been a misunderstanding. She told me to forget about it and they would fix it. I told them both I was really sorry and I didn’t want to fall out with them. DS said they hadn’t. I definitely didn’t make up a fake accusation?!

But she had barely came to see me before the wedding so I think she is using this as a stick to beat me with.

If this is any help to you I rarely visited my ILs for the majority of my marriage, but equally my husband rarely came to see my parents.
Generally there would be a couple of hours a week when I visited my parents and he would visit his at the same time. Working full time (including shifts for us) meant that we planned our time off carefully, so a couple of hours on a Sunday to see our own parents and then the evening as a couple. This routine changed when we had DC as both sets of parents visited to help us out and MIL sometimes used to sit for us if we went out. Following this we had a different pattern as
MIL passed away when DS was young, DH would visit his dad every day and I helped him out during old age. I continued to see my own family alone though, unless it was a big occasion such as birthday or Christmas.

I m wondering if it’s the same for your DS/DIL, that they prioritise their time to see their own parents and that your son doesn’t spend a lot of time with his ILs either.

As a family now we do see DS’s partner quite often, say every 2-3 weeks and see DS around twice a week.’ They are mid 20s, live local, no DC.

I think it would be interesting to know what the issue was re money and the wedding? Also, when your DS moved out and moved in with he, were you unhappy about that adn was that obvious?

I get on fine with my MIL. But I don't see her as often as Dh does. he pops in and helps her with things or hangs out. Takes the DC over there etc. I mostly see her when we organise family get together or if she's had DD and I'm picking her up/dropping her off. And occassionally I'll go over to help her with something specific.

They live 4 hours away and we used to visit several times per year together, or they would come to us - pre children. But they're both now 80 (still in pretty good health) and no longer want the car journey and won't take the train which is direct and halves the journey time. Neither are we welcome to stay with them any more since the children came along. Mil says it's too much to have us all (4 of us) but in truth she's very anxious and quite toxic (still treats dh like a 10 yo boy, and criticises him frequently). They lives in a massive house, so space isn't an issue and our dc are older now and well behaved in other people's houses. Consequently, dh visits them alone now. Or he goes with my teenage ds, which they seem OK with. I try not to take it personally and have always tried to support dh's relationship with her. But it's become increasingly difficult. Despite all this, we've always got on - probably because I'm an overly tolerant people pleaser...

That's incredibly unusual! Why? Did he not get on with them?

My DDs have been with their partners a couple of years and we've already met their families.

I loved my MIL and I was closer to her in the latter years than my own mother. She used to call me the daughter she never had, we had a lovely relationship and I miss her terribly now she's gone. I was very lucky.

OP would it be worth raising this with your DS or even both of them or don't you think it would get anywhere?

"A stick to beat me with" is very strong language to use about a DIL who doesn't visit very much, even though you see your son regularly.

You say she isn't rude to you, you see your son a lot, you talk to your son a lot etc. Why use such inflammatory language?

My DP sees his family with our DD every week and I stay at home. I see his family about 2-3 times a month on other occasions eg birthdays/ social occasions. They do encourage me to come with DP on his weekly visit but it is honestly the only time alone I have all week! I have a bath and get all my jobs done and honestly recharges me for the rest of the week. It’s nothing to do with hating his family. Are you sure she just doesn’t have her own stuff to do?

When was the wedding?

We live 3 hours apart and I see her a few times a year. I love her but tbh it is enough, and I expect she’d say the same 😂

I offered them some money towards the wedding when they got engaged and booked their venue and there was a misunderstanding about how much they definitely thought I was going to give them. DIL was upset and she felt let down and I said that there had been a misunderstanding. She told me to forget about it and they would fix it. I told them both I was really sorry and I didn’t want to fall out with them. DS said they hadn’t. I definitely didn’t make up a fake accusation?!

Obviouslty, I know NOTHING about the situation, but I can easily imagine DIL's post:

"When DP, now DH, and I got engaged. MIL offered a substantial amount towards the cost of the wedding which allowed us to book our dream venue, which we did. But when it came to actually giving tus the money, MIL said that she wasn't giving us what she'd said and claimed she'd never promised that at all and that it was all a misunderstanding and she was vey sorry but she couldn't afford the original amount.

she claims she never offered it but I wouldnt have picked that venue if I hadn't been 100% certain she'd offered. It meant we were hugely out of pocket and it's been very stressful.

And of course, she was already annoyed as dH had lived iwth her and looked after her for years and now he's moved out and is living with me she's always wanting him to come over and help her with things, she whatsapp and calls all the time and we literally never get a break. AIBU to stay away from her as much as possible?"

Be honest, is the money thing the only thing? I don't have anything to do with my MIL anymore. I put up with 25 + years of snide remarks and constant digs at me and finally had enough after how horrible she was to me when I was post partum. I'm not stopping my husband from visiting and nor am I stopping her (I won't be here if she is though). But I am no longer putting up with her.

OP, be really honest with yourself! Do you make little digs and little snide remarks? Each one might be little on its own but add up to death by a thousand paper cuts.

I visit my in-laws once or twice a year, the same as my husband. They live several hours away and don't like having visitors, and they haven't been to visit us for more than 10 years, so it's duty visits only.