How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

We tend to meet up for lunch or dinner. Can you suggest booking a local restaurant or ask if there is somewhere they would like to go? Can you travel independently, either using public transport or get a taxi?

We see my in-laws a few times a week. Together and separately. It may be different as my own mum passed away before I had DC but we adore each other (it did take a while and they can annoy the shit out of me sometimes though 😂)

@AnotherSadMIL my MIL was a teacher. Something she found very hard to grasp was that I worked very long hours. Out of the house at 7am, not back until 8ish. There were a couple of times when with a days' notice she said she and FIL were coming and could not get her head around the fact that with such little notice we would have to eat out because I simply couldn't factor in a shop and cooking an evening meal around my working hours. 30 years ago and the shops weren't open the hours they now are.

She also really struggled with the fact that DH and I usually had to work between Christmas and NY.

We see ours at least once every 2 weeks. As a DIL. But I love my in laws.

Your son pops in after work, your DIL works long hours from home.

When she isn't working she probably has other priorities for her limited time.

I think I will suggest this and ask my sister to take me there. Do you think it’s better if I book somewhere or ask them if they’d like to book somewhere they want to go and I pay?

Well yes it does smack of mummy’s boy doing no wrong and that horrid wife keeping him from her.

it’s also very strong/childish language - hates me. Can’t be bothered with me perhaps.

Why don't you take her out to lunch? Send her a text or email explaining that you'd like to see her more as you love her. Perhaps lunch or brunch once every 6 weeks?

I'd suggest making every effort to sort this out before the children start to arrive

I'd also suggest organising your own transport

This sounds familiar, have you posted about this before? I remember a poster whose youngest son was due to move out, and poster was worried as son had lived with her a long time and helped her a lot, and had issues with the DI
I agree the best course of action would be for you to invite them out to break the stalemate

I think she is using this as a stick to beat me with

This sounds hyperbolic. She isn’t using anything as a stick ‘to beat you with’, she just isn’t visiting you very often. And honestly saying things like that makes it sound like you don’t like her very much, so maybe she picks up on that?

Agree it must be the same poster - all the details are the same.

I’d struggle to be bothered with someone who offered me a certain amount of money towards a wedding and then left me in the lurch. OP might have apologised and said she didn’t want to fall out, but certainly didn’t actually put things right by giving them the money.

If I was the DIL I’d be feeling very let down and feeling that the MIL couldn’t be trusted in future.

Just saying sorry in the instance doesn’t cut it for me I’m afraid. A genuine apology aims to put things as right as you possibly can. So that’s not an “I’m sorry if you thought I was paying for the venue, I actually ment I was paying £x towards the venue”. That doesn’t help solve the problem you’ve caused!

Why should they come every time they don't have plans? Maybe the plans are to have a rest and see nobody.
Nobody has any obligation to accept an invitation just because they are free. "We're busy" is likely to mean "we're tired".

And how awful it was that the bride thanked her single parent mother during her speech and failed to wax lyrical about the MiL (who had been thanked in the groom’s speech)?

Yes, I was thinking the same.

I’d also suggest if you offer to pay for it, you actually do.

I have a similar relationship with my mil, but I do like her. I've followed my partner's lead for the most part, as their relationship can be rocky.

However, I've always said that I will spend one on one time with her when the same expectation is put upon my partner to spend time alone with my mother. It just doesn't happen!

What Made you think she wants it resolved... I read shes worried about not seeing the children that don't even exist yet.

I visit every time....as we have to travel half way around the world. My DH has only visited once since we go together 15 years ago. And that was only because it was a family event but your DC had just started school so we didn't want to pull him out for 10 days.

My DH comes with me every visit to see my parents. I live 2 hours away from my parents though so its usually a weekend long trip

My SIL doesn't always visit my parents with my brother though and brother doesn't always visit in laws. No children. But they live half hour away so my brother see's my parents regularly.

My daughter in law visits me with my grandkids but not with my son. I go to see them and more often than not my son is at work. We also meet up with my daughters and their kids. We dont live in each others pockets but we see each other when we feel like it. We also txt each other quite a bit. Your daughter in law obviously doesn't feel comfortable with you. Perhaps that is something you should address.

Have you made any effort to get to know her personally, separately from your DS? Perhaps you need to build a relationship with her if you want to have one with your DGC?

In your shoes I would reach out and ask whether she would like a spa day, trip to the theatre, supper with you [adjust according to her interest] so that you can get to know each other. Perhaps suggest that you’d like to be able to offer support to her if she ever needs it and especially when they have children?

You could sound out your DS on this first? Say that you are concerned that they you’ve got off on the wrong foot with that early misunderstanding and are keen to remedy it. Perhaps she has very difficult/conflict filled relationships with her own family and is wary of connection?

I’m not sure how old you are, but guessing in your 60s. Is your disability such you can’t travel independently? Just thinking my MIL was late 80s before she stopped driving and my DM, who became disabled when I was a child and never drove, used public transport until her late 70s / early 80s when she finally got a taxi card - she could have qualified for one years before.

Is this the same DIL that you have treated badly because apart from a few different details, it reads the same, same writing style etc.? The DIL you blamed for your DS not engaging with you as much, and somehow making it her fault?

I remember that poster too. Could well be the same one here.

Our relationship completely changed once DS moved out. I can’t tell him she’s rude to me because she isn’t. She just obviously doesn’t like me

So, was this at the same time as the confusion/upset/disagreement that occurred before the wedding? Or, did this behaviour occur when he moved out, and then later the disagreement before the wedding arose?

I see my MIL a lot (not out of choice). If it was down to me, I'd visit or have her over once a fortnight. She is a loving grandmother and I care for her but we're very different people.