How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

I think you posted before.

If it’s you, leave your poor DIL alone and be grateful your DS comes and visit you.
As long as she is not rude to you, leave it be. You can’t force her to like you and there is a lot more to this story (if you are the same poster).

See in laws once a week to pick up and drop off kids, I go round and take their dog for a walk some times too when they’re out. Proper sit down and have a cup of tea/ chat is probably about once a week and once a month dinner. I see them a bit more right now as they’re helping my mum move up here. Sometimes when I go down to see my mum MIL comes with me because she loves my mum and also has a sister in the area. I probably see them more than DP as I don’t work so I’ll go round and help with stuff (mainly online forms and the computer).

I really like them and they’ve always been super nice to me. They have done things that annoy me, and yes - she was a bit overbearing with my PFB and I was cagey about handing her over… but after a few sleepless nights I changed my tune. The give my kids way too much crap and sugar, but so does my mum. My children are lucky to have such brilliant grandparents on both sides I and me and DP are lucky to have such great childcare so we can do fun things as well! By the time my mum moves up, we will hardly see them lol!

I know I can be difficult as well because I have ASD, and sometimes at the start that causes a bit of friction. They hadn’t had experience with it so didn’t really get it, but made an effort and are now super understanding. FIL still sometimes finds certain quirks funny but ultimately they are quite funny and he’s not mean spirited at all. Also he’s not precious about me taking the piss out of him.

I think I am just lucky though, I would probably be friendly with them if they lived next door, I like them as people. I’d be really sad if me and DP got divorced and they never wanted to see me again. I have also made an effort with them as my mum always told me to. She said if you’ve got multiple kids and you want a social life, pick your battles and don’t burn bridges about stilly stuff like someone giving your child sweets. She also had a good relationship with her in laws even post divorce.

I wonder if it’s the same too, that’s why I asked when they got married as she also posted about her DiL talking about her own mum in her speech but saying nothing about OP.

We live 30 minutes drive away from MIL and FIL too. I don't go there very often, 3 times this year I think. Dh slightly more as he will sometimes pop in on his way to/from the dentist.

They come to our house a lot though, 2-3 times a week sometimes, and stay for ages. So I don't feel the need to visit them much.

I used to go all the time. Probably at least once or twice a week, whether that was for dinner or a quick cuppa (for 10+ years). Also used to meet my MIL independently of my DH. Until one day she just turned on me. I'm now NC, so are our DC. You reap what you sow in my MIL case.

I don't particularly get on with my mil. She has said a lot of extremely hurtful things over the years. My boundy for this is she does not come to our house. That is my face space. DH completely gets it and to be honest, mil has never asked to visit anyway. We do however visit her weekly together. I wouldn't visit her alone but I do make the effort to go with DH once a week and I am polite and warm but not the loving DIL as there's been too much hurt from her part.

My MIL lived abroad. DH visited her monthly, I'd go one month in three, usually for cost reasons. It was flights and a hotel when I went with him whereas without me he'd sleep on her sofa. I was very fond of her and think I struck gold with my MIL.

Very rare do I visit MIL and she only lives a 5 minute walk away
No reason why I don’t see her, my husband sees her regularly and my 3 daughters visit and help her do things as she’s in her 80’s!
She rings my husband regularly and if I answer the phone I have a conversation with her, and she knows that if she’s in an emergency then I’ll be there to help. We’re all only a phone call away and more than willing to be there for her unlike my husband’s brothers wife who didn’t even keep her updated when her son nearly died and had to have life saving surgery!!!

Yanbu. I almost always go with my husband when he visits his parents and I’m always there when they come to our house, unless there’s a good reason why I have to be somewhere else. (We live around an hour’s drive away).

As a DIL I always used to visit along with DH but I have come to realise they’ve seen our house once since we’ve been here (in 5 years) and we are always doing the 3 hour trip to them. No children yet but I am sure as soon as/ if we do they will start making more of an effort.

There are lots of variables here. Before DC we would visit in laws maybe once a month (they live about 50 mins away). After DC, still maybe once a month but more if we have things going on (birthdays/ planned events/ meal out or whatever). However my own parents, I visit as little as I can get away with. And (sorry) always use the excuse that we’re really busy. Which isn’t a lie to be fair, but the reason being that my family are extremely hard work, not really ‘involved’
and I do the visits purely to keep the peace or they start pecking at me about it. Which ultimately makes me want to visit less also

Are you the poster who was not happy with her daughter in laws speech at their wedding,
the same MIL ( to be at the time ) who was not happy that her son's girlfriend treated her mother better than her son treated his mother re Mother's Day ?

It’s definitely the same poster - always with ‘sad’ in the username. Op was told to stop messaging DIL’s DM on facebook, if I remember correctly.

The son lived with OP, and OP blames DIL for the changes in their relationship since.

We visit my in-laws at least once a month together. They live around a 30 minute drive away and neither I or my mother in law drive. My husband will also sometimes run down in the car himself if I’m working late. DH and my DF support the same football team so they see each other weekly during the season, both have seats in the same part of the stand and will happily go drinking together. I see my DM a few times a week as she often offers to pick me up from work if I’m finishing at 10pm as it’s two buses to get home. DH likes my DM but finds her frustrating at times. It is always little things like one new year we all got invited round for hot rolls and my DM will be stressing over how many people want the fat cut off their bacon. After we have all eaten two double rolls (bacon, sausage, egg and tattie scones were all on offer) she then worries in case people are still hungry and should she get out crisps, biscuits and cakes. My grandmother walked out when my mum was 7 and she and her boyfriend went to Rhodesia. As a result my mum missed that caring element in her life so she tries to make sure that none of us ever feel like that and so it results in her stressing over little things. My DH understands why though and tries to help where he can so she stresses less. We see my parents together again around once a month.

You clearly do not like your DIL so I'm unsure why you want her to visit?
If you are the same poster that thought mothers should be treated the same then I would say you seem to have a lot of unwarranted expectations on how YOU should be treated, like people's decisions should be centered around you.

I think you've painted your DIL as some sort of villanelle in your mind to absolve yourself of your half of the responsibility of your relationship with her and are only now seeing the future repercussions regarding grandchildren.

You sound like hard work and I think you're being economical with your admissions on the thread.

Sorry if this is true … making a leap to ‘she quite clearly hates me’ … you’re the problem here. I’m closer to them because they invite me over etc this whole post is like an AI piss take. You can’t possible not see yourself OP surely.

I remember that poster and if you are her. You need to back off.

anyway question at hand I get to see my mil a lot less since we moved. Dh kinda drives near theirs on his way home so now 99% of visits are just him popping in on his way by and my life is now so much more relaxed not constantly dreading the next invite because she happy his popping in. I’m happy I am not popping in and my children are happy they aren’t dragged out.

Go whenever my partner does with both kids, also taken kids without him. Also partner is useless so usually me mentioning that we should visit so they can see kids. (Bit more effort on their side for this would be nice but there you go) have you mentioned her absence to your son,?

I go the majority of the time with my OH when he goes to see his mum. TBH I see my MIL on my own more than he sees her!

I very rarely visit my MIL when husband does. She doesn't like me anyway so I just let him go over there with DD and I do my own thing. Similarly I don't expect him to come with me when I visit my mum or extended family. Not a fan of playing happy families for the sake of appearances.

Are you the OP that posted about wanting to be treated the same as her DIL's mum on Mother's Day? That poster's son had acted as his mum's carer until he moved out to live with his girlfriend. That poster had other children but only expected her youngest son to help her.

I've been with my DH nearly 2 decades and mil has been to our home twice and our previous house half a dozen times. I go to her house 90% of the times my husband goes to hers, which isnt often. We're much closer to my family than his, he says its because mine are easy going and like to have fun. He's never been close to his mum, he spent a lot of time with his grandparents who we saw often before they passed, Now that he's an adult she seems to be trying to make up for lost time and DH isn't very insterested and im not going to facilitate his relationship with her. I have nothing against mil but everything is very stilted with her. My husband can go weeks without talking to her, where as i speak/see my mum daily.

I think it's always a mistake to confuse proximity with closeness. Just because someone married your son doesn't make you interesting to them.

I always think this when this type of issue comes up. My husband never came to visit my mum with me when she was alive. He didn’t not get on with her and he sometimes saw her at our house as she didn’t live far away so there was no need in one way. But he would have thought it odd if I asked him to come with me when I went to see her. He also had no clue as to any of my family members’ birthdays, including my mum’s. But some how there seems to be an expectation the other way round ie. When he forgot his sister’s birthday one year, MIL said she thought I should have sorted a card.

I think this is the same person.
In your last thread you admitted that you ring your DS four to five times a week and want to speak with him for over 15 minutes sometimes when he has just got back from work.

This causes friction all round.
Sadly I think you are being rather economical with the truth on this latest thread and you were given valuable help and thoughts on your other thread.