How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

Did you post about the wedding because you were upset that your DIL did a really lovely speech thanking her mum for everything she had done for her (DIL didn't have a relationship with her dad) and your son did a speech thanking both families? The bride did actually thank your family (if this was you).

At least once a week and with the kids but I'll often take the kids round without my husband especially as I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I'll often meet my MIL, just the two of us. My in-laws are fab though, absolutely no complaints from my side and I'm very lucky!

My Dil is separated from my son due to DV and I see her at least every fortnight. Sometimes more, she is welcome anytime. She doesn't drive so my other son picks her up sometimes and drops her back home or I'll pay for a taxi. She is mother to my young granddaughter my only grandchild. She doesn't have much other family so we've adopted her as our own my other children are supportive of her too. We picked her over my son.

Are you the same person who posted about Mothers' Day and the wedding speech? If so, you are the MIL from hell and don't be surprised if your DIL never wants to see you! It sounds like you raised a completely useless son in terms of gifts and occasions etc. If your DIL is anything like me she'll not stop your son from doing anything but will simply just stop encouraging him to call and visit etc.
You have only yourself to blame.

We take it in turns to go to MiL as she’ll often call with a problem. I‘m the techie.

DS goes twice a week after school (school finishes at lunchtime here), sometimes I‘ll collect him, sometimes he walks home alone.

We also do a day out with her 1-2 a month, depending on whether it‘s an activity suitable for her.

We didn't see PIL very often when we lived about ten miles away and before we had kids. It wouldn't be as little as once a year but there could certainly be a few months between visits, as they had busy social lives and were always on holiday! But then we did also go on holiday with them. Still I didn't feel that close to them until I had DDs and we moved closer, only five minutes away. We can still these days, now DDs are grown up, not see them for a month or two.

I don’t visit very often, I like my DH to have time alone with his folks, ditto me. My kids go separately too, now they’re older.

I really like them and I believe they like me, but I’m only in the mix because I married their son.

I really hope my kids do the same. It’s not about liking or not but about the shared bonds of family and history. The opportunity to relax and reminisce without someone feeling left out. Maybe she feels the same way, Plenty do.

Maybe once every year, sometimes a bit longer between visits.

We live about a three hour plane ride from each other.

My husband goes quite a lot more often.

My MIL worries that I don't want to come. It's not true! I have very little leave in my job, I use most of my holidays alone banal things like kids dental appointments, I have three little kids, I live far away from my own family as well, and the reason her son visits more often than me is because I push him to! I am perfectly delighted with her visiting, too (though even then I might be taken away for work myself which might worry her).

In fact, on occasion where the timing can work, I have often made outrageous efforts to go (join a family holiday despite not being able to do the direct flight for work reasons, then take two lay-overs to come for less than 48h), precisely to make sure she understand I care.

Sometimes it's really just life.

I see my DIL most weeks, without my son! We go for coffee, lunch, shopping etc. I know I’m lucky we get on well but it wasn’t always like that. It takes time to get used to each other and find a way to live together as new family members. Patience is the key - and babysitting!

When my in laws were alive, we lived 2+ hours away, and both had extremely busy jobs (especially my husband). We both got on very well with his parents, and would go together for a weekend a couple of times a year (in summer, and post-Xmas). That always felt about right.

Don't forget, OP, both your son and his wife have lives - visiting the parents will not be top of their list, so please, please do not be the awful mother who is constantly nagging them to visit.

We live about 5 hours depending on traffic from DH’s parents. I went every time he did before we had children but after kids most times except for funerals and when DH needed to see his eye doctor. He’s been going to him for decades.

I don’t mind MIL but I could easily say I know way more about her than she does about me. Wasn’t much interest in me until a grandchild was born and then it was mainly about grandchildren so left it at that.

I use the visits to go somewhere in Scotland alone for the day since it’s a short train away. We usually stay for 3-4 days

Did you read the bit where the son visits after work but not dil. So not a mummy's boy. But that probably doesn't fit your narrative.

@AnotherSadMIL a few posters have asked if you were the previous poster and I don’t think you’ve answered (sorry if i missed this). You sound very like the previous poster who had the Mother’s Day issues. If you’re not her you should search for the thread because there was lots of really helpful advice there.

i think your son sounds like a decent guy who is doing his best (and more than many would). You’re not owed anything from you DIL and an attitude that gives this impression will only cause fall outs in the future.

The Mother’s Day poster was very passive and seemed to enjoy being the victim and talking about how badly they were treated. I know you’ve mentioned you’re disabled too and I’m certain that’s not easy but it doesn’t mean you can’t get a taxi or book a restaurant.

please try to stop focussing on how your DIL doesn’t like you / deciding she hasn’t fulfilled her duties. Try to be supportive of your son and by extension his marriage. If you can be interested in and respectful of your DIL.

i know it must feel very difficult but I think shifting your attitude and focus could really transform things for you. 💐

The son (who OP confirmed in the past was pretty much her unpaid, live in carer) has fallen out with her in the past as she has 4 children, and he’s fed up of everything being on him. OP doesn’t seem to ask anything of her other DC (or indeed her other S/DIL’s!) as they have children and live miles away, but apparently that’s absolutely fine with OP, as long as she can keep relying on her son.

I have the opportunity to see my mil once a month, but I'm not expected at each visit. The understanding is my husband drives over and 75% of the time, I'll go too, but it's OK if I don't.

It's not because I hate her - it's because I have a very busy life and need to make space for myself in it, too. I would find it oppressive to be 'expected' to visit with my husband, but equally, I definitely visit more than your dil does.

I also find that when I go, my husband doesn't talk to his mum - it's like he defaults to hideous gender norms and leaves me to do all the 'girly' stuff. So sometimes I'll not go just to force him to actually engage with his mum.

She won’t see it. In her eyes all blame lies on her DIL.

She started another thread after the wedding where she was upset that her DIL praised her own mum and said nothing about OP, and complained her DIL should have praised her too. She refused to see that any praising should come from her own son.

"There was a minor confusion about something before they got married which was my fault "

I wonder if the DIL viewed it as a ' minor confusion'. I suspect not.

OP, you have ignored all the posters calling you out on older threads, so I assume you have a bit of ' previous' here.

It's funny without actually knowing the details of your relation and any important incidents, I just KNOW I would be on the side of DIL and that her reasons for low contact would make perfect sense.

It might just be that she doesn't really like anyone. By which I mean, she just doesn't thrive off either hosting people or going to visit them. I am DEFINITELY like this. Extremely introverted, very people-y job which drains my already limited social reserves... I just don't want to see people in my free time. I'm all peopled out. So I might have the peopleness to see my sister, or my best friend, but then not enough to see my mil - though again, I do see her most months.

My husband visits most Saturday afternoons unless we have plans, I go with him most Saturdays unless I’m working. When I’m working a weekend he’ll often go down Saturday and Sunday once I’ve gone to work or I’m working late on Friday then he’ll
go sometime call for an hour on Friday whilst I’m at work. I generally get on ok with the in-laws. We don’t ‘visit’ my parents as much, they help with childcare so we see them for pick up and drop off but we don’t often visit them as such, I sometimes have to make a point on a Saturday that we need to split the afternoon and visit both sets of parents and not just his.

If your son and daughter both work full time, time off is used to clean the house, do the food shopping, gardening, exercise, meet friends etc. That leaves little time to visit relatives and inlaws. Maybe your DIL is busy doing other things or even taking some time to herself to relax? What do you do when you do meet up? Is it a pleasant experience for her? My in-laws spend the whole time moaning about how no one calls them or visits them and how bored and isolated they are. They both drive and have the money to go out and about or join clubs but they choose not to. They also always seem to have some 'emergency' to panic over or are having an argument with someone. They are self centered and never ask about my husband, their granddaughter it myself. Visits are hard work, stressful and depressing. I avoid going unless it is a special occasion or perhaps a meal out.

Well, until the OP answers the question asked several times by PP as to whether she's the same person who posted before about issues with her DS & DIL (wedding speech, too much calling) then we're going round in circles.

And if it's a faff for them to come pick you up and take you back home which is a total of 2 hours driving for them what's wrong with you getting a taxi now and then? Why do you need your sister to drive you? The right cab and driver will be fine for a disabled person.

I’m not sure going through your DS is the best plan. If you previously had a relationship could you not contact her directly and see if she would agree to meet up? Tell her that you feel things have changed between you and you’d really like to get things back to how they were. You’re happy to listen to anything she has to say and clear up any misunderstanding because you are really fond of her and can see how much she means to your DS.

Unfortunately DsIL hold all the power in these situations. It’s never a good idea to fall out with them, even when they’re at fault.

I see my inlaws maybe on very special occasions and holidays. We can just about bare to be in the same room for a couple of hours. If they invited me or us over or even asked to visit us or their grandchild then I'd graciously accept but they don't .... because they're selfish knobs who don't give a shit about me or their son or their dgd. If they weren't selfish knobs and gave me any indictation that they enjoy our company then I'd gladly visit them frequently. Clearly my dh feels the same as he rarely bothers to visit them either even though he knows he has my permission.

Your question is far too open ended OP. There's no constitutional or moral law about how much people should spend time together just because they happen to share the same blood or be married to people that share the same blood. What I would say though is that people rarely avoid somebody's company so actively unless there's a good reason for it especially when it's family

I made a lot of effort with mil and fil in the early days. Dh would have been happy to see them every month or two but I encouraged more like every couple weeks . After we had kids mil started to be off with me at times. No idea why but would make the the odd comment about my parenting or me. Usually when no one was in earshot. I also found it hard seeing how much they did for sil once sil had kids. Especially when my mum was dying they were so unsupportive.
Eventually I took a step back and left arrangements to dh although I would still visit with him (unless I was busy) so still see them once a month roughly
Recently mil seems to have noticed I’m not making as much effort and has upped the snide comments. It just pushes me further away.
tbh I wish I’d made less effort from the start. My dh sees my dad about 4 times a year and always had. There’s no expectation for him to visit when I go. Whereas if I matched that I would look like I was being funny because I’ve always gone with dh.

Your dil isn’t your friend she’s your sons wife she isn’t hindering your relationship with your son she just has no desire to have the same relationship. I think you need to accept and respect her boundaries.

You have to think about who wants the relationship. It's not necessary that DiL 'holds all the power', it may be that she just can't be bothered.