DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

Your neighbour was over sharing a bit (was booze involved?) but I would be more annoyed with DH.
Having said that I would have shut it right down at the time

What exactly is it that has offended you? That a ‘nice’ widowed woman jokingly recounted to you and your DH that she and her deceased husband had once contemplated running a sex phone line from next door? That your DH said he would use it? Wasn’t everyone just joking, unless your DH does have a fetish for being walked on by a woman wearing only stilettos and Marigolds, or whatever the niche was?

My neighbour's fantasy life did not phase me I am not a prude. However, I do wonder why she felt the need to share that at a BBQ, with DH's reaction also an issue.

Nah sorry I couldn't get upset about this or take it too seriously.

She obviously felt comfortable in your company to have a bit of a joke and to share that with you and have a joke about that and your DH shared the joke.

A few drinks loosens everyone up a bit (if you were having a few) and people talk shit sometimes. Either way I honestly couldn't and wouldn't be bothered with this and certainly wouldn't be angered by it.

I think she was testing the water to see if you might be up for swinging or similar.

How would you have shut it down? I feel I could have dealt with it better.

You were already talking about a massage parlour so this would obviously have flowed on from that. You’re annoyed at DH and the neighbour but has it occurred to you that your reaction might be the issue? I doubt she would even have mentioned it if you hadn’t

a) been drinking and
b) already been talking about massage parlours.

perhaps go and have a massage and unwind a bit. It’s really not that big a deal.

I think we need to know if alcohol was involved.

Your neighbour may be feeling mortified this morning by her over sharing yesterday.

I would have took it as DH having a joke and probably joined in like "Oh I'd have been around asking for a job."

You brought up massage palours, OP. She didn't start talking about it out of nothing. Don't overthink this and go to the BBQ.

She got slightly fiddly and overshared? Your DH thought it was a mildly joky response?

We had two wines each and had moved onto water. Can't blame the alcohol.

Also, given that her husband has since died, it could be that this represents a funny memory of a time when they’d moved to the area and were having silly-in jokes together?

(And unless you mean that she divorced the husband she moved to the area with and was then widowed in a subsequent marriage, calling her dead husband her ‘former husband’ is pretty tactless. He’s not her ex if they were married when he died!)

Agree with all of this.

Our conversation has never strayed into personal sexual areas. I wonder why she felt the need to bring that up. My hubby clearly showing his enthusiasm for using the supposed sex phone service gave me the ick. Right now, I have not interest in being made to feel uncomfortable again.

Two glasses of wine will have a perceptible effect on most people, even if it’s only to loosen their tongues.

I don't think joking about a sex line you might set up to cater to other people's sexual fantasies is sharing personal sexual areas

And, again, I'd take DH's comment as joking along with her. Not a serious "ooo I want to hear you talk sexy to me"

Next time either go "wow ok, let's not talk about sexual things" (and look kind of prudish) or join in the joking.

There are some in-jokes in relationships that are better kept quiet. The fact that my hubby piped up he would have used the sex line service, joke or not, shifted the BBQ dynamic in an uncomfortable way. We both new neighbour's deceased husband.

But she presumably didn’t see it as ‘personal and sexual’? For her it was a mildly funny anecdote that recalls something she and her dead husband used to joke about when they first moved in, which she was reminded of by your mentioning a massage parlour. She wasn’t monologuing about her personal sexual preferences for being ravished by a man in a gorilla costume, or suggesting a threesome? Unless you’re about to drip-feed in a big way!

What do you have to deal with? Just don't bring it up again if you don't want to talk about it Try to continue having a neighbour who isn't dull.

I'd just think it was a joke. You're all grown adults fgs. Why shouldn't she joke about sex?

You started it by bringing up the subject of a potential brothel.

I'd have burst out laughing and probably said it sounded well minging but I certainly wouldn't be offended. As for you DH, has he ever phoned a wank line before? It's not the biggest crime in the world and I'm sure he wouldn't do it really anyway.

If you're worried she's trying to have sex with you/him then surely you can just politely decline?

This does just sound like jokey conversation between friends to me.
Me and my husband joke about setting up a farts in a jar business 😂we like the idea of farting in a jar for 100 quid a pop, especially when wee had a hard week.
I don't think I would have a problem sharing this joke with friends as it really is a joke and if someone said, I would buy one then I can imagine that would amuse us all.
She was probably just comfortable in your company, remembering and sharing a funny conversation she had with her husband and your dH was just being silly and supportive.
I really dont think you need to worry, unless they start using your shed as the HQ for their new busines!!

I would have preferred the conversation to have just been about lots of other funny stuff, not what my neighbour wears in her fantasy sex chat phone room. There was no need to have gone there.

@anotherglass I don’t understand why you’re cross with the neighbour though as adults we should be prepared that people who aren’t our immediate family may ‘go rouge’ as it were and talk about any subject and as long as it isn’t wildly offensive or harmful you just suck it up and reconsider thereafter how to proceed. It’s your DH response that you should be solely addressing seeing as that’s what you feel most threatened by.

If neighbour had shared that with me while we were out one-to-one I would have reacted in a different way, and likely had a good laugh. But I don't understand why she would share something like that with a couple. Hubby reacted enthusiastically about hearing her naughty side. The whole situation has given me the ick.