DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

Nope. He could have done something as simple as acknowledge my perspective. I was calm when I spoke to him.

I didn't actually find the sex phone stuff that shocking. I am not quite myself, to be fair, but would I want to be put in that situation again with DH and neighbour. No thanks.

Actually, I think he has a DW problem. At least, I can't quite see what the DH problem is. Would you have felt better if he'd said, "Ooh, no, no, Marjorie - that's not my kind of sex chat line at all'?

The voting's pretty evenly split. Many posters here keep saying, 'it's not that big a deal', and there are three pages of replies from you telling them why they're wrong.

So what, actually, do you want from this thread?

No, you've repeated a variation of the same 3 lines about him with zero insight as to why he's made you so paranoid...You don't know what her motives are either!! But you're happy to sl*g her off to a bunch of strangers on the internet by immediately jumping on the "she's after my husband" bandwagon, she desperate, she's putting out feelers, if she doesn't want to be seen as a threat etc etc - it really is rather pathetic that you'd rather do that than challenge your own husband!

You quite clearly haven't dealt with anything looking at that last update - either because you can't communicate or because he could not care less that your feelings were hurt - I know for a fact if I'd felt that disrespected or embarrassed by my husband I wouldn't be accepting a half assed excuse and walking away still unhappy.

Quite frankly it sounds like you need a hobby or a new husband - as you've either got too much time on your hands, so you're obsessing about other women. Or you need a divorce because your husband has throughly knocked every ounce of confidence from you, so you perceive every other woman as a threat because he's convinced you you're not good enough, and instead of telling him to bog off you lose friends and alienate other people when it's him you should get shot of.

I think you need to think about your violent response to this. You keep saying you don’t want to be in that situation again, but your take on what actually happened is quite extreme. Genuinely, to an external observer, it looks like a neighbour after two glasses of wine telling a humorous, mildly smutty anecdote from her past, and your DH makes a token response in the same spirit. Not some inappropriate sexual self-revelation.

But I honestly think this is a tou problem your over reacting your getting paranoid and you feel threatened... she told a dirty story your dh made a dirty reply its not as though they bonked in front of tou and made you watch do you think like you sais your not yourself is it down to how he treats you is it the menopause or peri menopause is it your not feeling attractive what is it now that has upset you because frankly I would of laughed it off and called mu husband a cheeky b word and moved on

Maybe he has a wife problem because she doesn't trust him not to run off with the shock horror single woman next door

I’m with you, @anotherglass.

This woman stood in the middle of your room and elaborated on her kink outfit/props, how she’d speak during the sex chat, and who else would be present. She was letting you and H know what she likes and giving a sample of her fantasy presentation. This was way out of line in my book. You have the right to your boundaries, so your discomfort is valid. I’d be greatly distancing myself from her.

Then your husband made it personal and sexual between the two of them.

I agree with @OhMyGollyGoshGosh‘s statement above. No wonder you feel unsettled. Indeed, H responded with gusto and verbalized that he’d have enjoyed connecting with her on her sex line. A frisson passed between them, right in front of you. His drooling was beyond the pale and highly disrespectful to you. She certainly took note of his enthusiasm.

@anotherglass this is not a man who cherishes you, has strong boundaries, and is invested in your emotional safety and well-being. I believe that you could give many examples of this.

** I have now read your update, and am not surprised that he has shifted the blame and conjured ‘your lack of sense of humour’. There’s nothing funny about this. He is known to enjoy sexual role-play, and couldn’t contain his excitement for their mutual interests. Now he is DARVO-ing you. Emotional abusers often use the ‘you can’t take a joke’ tactic when their disrespectful, manipulative or bullying behavior is challenged.

Does he have a history of riding roughshod over your feelings and boundaries, @anotherglass?

No pun intended?

Thank you very much @MsDogLady You are spot on with your analysis and have made me feel seen.

@anotherglass, how are you doing?