DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

@Absentmindedsmile i actually think she thought she was in company (friends) that she could trust and share and have a laugh in.
instead you realised your “husband” is a sleaze . Be annoyed at him not her .

People often over share or take a joke abit far after a few drinks. I bet she’s abit embarrassed today. I think you should give them both the benefit of the doubt if this is a one off thing. Only you know if your husband has form for being inappropriate with other women or he did just misjudge a joke.

I don’t agree that she is lonely and desperate . Ffs what a thing to say because she shared something. Yeah maybe she went to far thinking she could have a laugh.
How about you cool your marriage . Dear husband is your real problem here and you know it !

Shame this has tainted our friendship as she has up to now been a really good neighbour.

Considering you've said you don't know whether your husband was joking or not, when he said he'd use her sexual services.

Don't you mean 'Shame he has tainted our marriage'?

I think rather unsubtly she was letting it be known that she’s ’a bit of a goer’ - probably fancies your DH - I would however be furious with my H if he responded that way - if he meant it as a joke, it isn’t funny . I would certainly be keeping an eye if he needs to ‘pop round’ - my ex mother in law ran off with her married neighbour in her 50s , and my ex FIL was totally blindsided , so I guess I’m a bit more sensitive to shit like this than others who think it’s just tipsy ‘banter’ -

She doesn't know you - other people would have loved to hear that anecdote. She gave it a punt, you didn't like it, so what. Just don't hang out with her if you don't like her.

Our friendship has never been that close where we share personal sexual fantasies and laugh about it. It would have been different if it was two couples, but a single (widowed) woman and a couple is a different dynamic.

I agree.

Although the OP would still be left with a husband she doesn't trust, but that's not the neighbour's problem.

She's just held a mirror up to him and the OP is shooting the messenger.

Both. He was inappropriate, so was she. 🤷‍♀️
To be in a couples’ house, stand in the middle of the room talk about starting a sex club or whatever it was, with the couple, takes a certain sort of person.

I am annoyed with him. At the same time, if you don't want to be perceived as a threat as a widowed women socialising with couples, maybe don't reveal your naughty sexual side.

She said it in front of you as a joke - your husband answered in front of you, as a joke. It wasn't done behind your back. It was nothing. Do what most people do in that situation and that is if you don't like the subject then change it.

I have a DH problem yes. But I am also struggling with how to deal with my neighbour. She is my age, and has been a widower for several years. If you don't want to be perceived as a threat as a widower, perhaps don't start sharing details of your sex fantasy life with the couple next door. She has soured my friendship with her.

If you don't want to be perceived as a threat, or a DH chaser, as a widow, probably better not to share stories about your sex phone line with a couple at a BBQ.

Honestly think you feel threatened by her because DH was joking about are you having self esteem issues at the moment?

This is exactly what I think as well. She didn't think of your husband as someone she had to be 'careful' around in case he got the wrong impression. Apparently she was wrong.

She thought she was with 2 friends, you've said yourself op you'd have laughed if it was just you. She wasn't with 2 friends though was she? She was with one friend and the friends sleazy husband.

You were all relaxed after a couple of drinks and she presumably she thought you’d take it in the jokey way that it was intended. Your DH replied with a joke too.
Honestly? Lighten up!

Yes that was my interpretation. DH likes sexual role-play so this has certainly planted a seed for him. The whole situation now gives me the full on ick. DH will be getting a strong word this evening.

To be honest it all just sounds a bit like a light hearted joke. And I would assume your DHs response was an effort to keep the tone light and not make it awkward. Seems fine to me, unless you're concerned your DH is in to this niche kink I would assume he was just playing along for your neighbours sake to avoid embarrassment. Wouldn’t bother me.

Im not sure she has revealed any naughty sexual side? It was a joke she shared with her husband, that she now recounted to both of you. The sex-work-in-the-area theme had already been introduced by the two of you, its not as though she threw her anecdote in out of the blue. Plus everyone had a couple glasses on wine so more relaxed.

I really hate hearing widows, or any single woman, being referred to as desperate. Poor woman was basically "mirroring" your conversation but is now being castigated for it. If you're so quick to see her as a threat, perhaps its best for all that you cool the friendship

If a single woman does not want to be misinterpreted, it might be a good idea not to share stuff about your sexual fantasies when socialising with a couple. I am sorry but it just left me thinking WTF is this going?

He wasn't "showing enthusiasm for using a sex phone service", he was joking at a BBQ.

You understand the concept of joking, right? Where people say things they don't necessarily mean to make others laugh?

Could you not have said at the time “this conversation is getting a bit too weird for my liking. Can we change the subject!”

If you start talking about dressing up in kinky boots, whips and doing sex chat while there's a male present, might you think about how they will react? Do you think it might turn them on? In my case, DH was excited. It was poor form to introduce and no way was the conversation at that level beforehand. I am furious DH reacted the way he did so openly then the conversation carried on like it was normal.

She needs to know that “PHONE sexy chat lines” have been “over” for a decade or more. Now it’s only fans and live video … and the people who make the real money are those running the GLOBAL tech centers where sometimes the girl you text with is a bloke in Thailand. They get a chunk of the fees. Girls get MUCH less.

Wish her luck with the videos with her dildo.

BTW …. She wanted to be centre of attention. And got that, I’d avoid her in most casual way.

How do you think most men would react if an attractive woman started talking about wearing kinky boots, using a whip and then doing a phone sex chat? I know my DH. He likes that. So sorry I didn't see this as a joke. It gave me the ick.