DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

I should have said that but was a bit shocked, tbh.

You bought it up and were talking about sex. How were they to know exactly how far to take it? Jesus. A very dim DH if he was making a serious proposition right in front of you. Seriously doubt you're in any danger.

Next time you are talking about sex, and you've had enough, just make sure to be explicit and say 'No more sex talk please.' Perhaps get a red button with a buzzer to signal the end of the sex talk.

You're being very overdramatic and uptight.

Lighten up

Yes I have a DH problem but at the same time I don't want to be a group setting with a woman who thinks it appropriate to share her sexual backstory with your partner present. I don't think I would do that to a female friend while her partner was present given that it might make her feel awkward or uncomfortable.

@anotherglass I think that’s part of the problem - I suspect your H is a bit of a sleaze and you know it and hence it making you feel as you do rather than just thinking his response was a joke- I think you mainly have a H problem but your neighbour totally inadvertently has kind of highlighted it and brought out your feelings around aspects of him you don’t like.

I think you should make it a five-some with the neighbours from the other current thread. Carry on Mumsnet. 😉

”crazy chicks” do get attention.

You could, next time, say

ooo I’m interested, tell me more.

Play her game, better than she does.

Your problems here are your husband, and your misogyny. The suggestion that single women need to behave differently from married women in mixed company says a lot - either it was acceptable or not and no relationship status would change that. If you're being honest about your husbands reaction in your updates, then that's not normal. He sounds really seedy.

To your point, she was joking about this. Not talking about doing it, not sharing a torrid past. Not offering a service.

I would presume he was joking because he said it in front of you!

I don't know about anyone else but the women I know who are worried about other women 'taking their man' all seems to be married to blokes who hit every branch on the ugly tree when they came down. They will be sat next to their husband who looks like an actual potato, fretting about the behaviour of single women.

Completely agree. Find it telling too that OP has to mention more than once that the neighbour is a) a widow, b) is currently single. Obviously a desperate woman who is flirting with any man she can because she's alone!!! 🙄

I think a single woman talking about sex within a couple does introduce a new dynamic, which potentially can be mis-interpreted. That does not make me a misogynist. I do have an issue with my DH, that I agree.

What did she say though? Because if she just said "Hahaha we joked about opening a sex chat line" then your husband is a bit of a tit, but it's a huge stretch to be annoyed with her, having just talked about a massage parlour. But if she went on to describe sexual acts she enjoys and the conversations she would have to turn men on, then she has massively overstepped the mark, and your husband has done more than just add to a joke.

Very insightful! My issue now is how to navigate this situation.

You keep going on about being perceived as a 'threat'.

No woman is a threat to a faithful husband.

Ok on the face of it this seems like a massive over reaction on your part OP - which suggests that there are other things at play here, are there some trust issues going on with you and DH ?

Sometimes we don’t realise what we are actually angry about (or have the “ick” about , or whatever emotion we are feeling) until something else brings it into focus.

Ultimately if it bothers you then the person you need to address it with is your DH, sit him down and tell him “that conversation made me feel really uncomfortable.,,” and go from there.

Pathetic . Only a married women (you ) is allowed to mention anything regarding sex .
If a single women does it she is gagging for it and fancies your man.

She described the phone sex line and what she would be wearing at the time as it was a niche fantasy thing.

I'd find it inappropriate, especially your husband's response. He's telling her he's interested in my opinion. You've posted on here because it didn't sit right. Trust your gut.

So the friend gets ditched and she stays with the creep of a husband ?

I think you’re getting a hard time on here unnecessarily @anotherglass

Sure drinks were had and I do think she crossed the line. There was no need and it does smack of testing the waters. Your DH responded in an expected but disrespectful way as I think as he knows you and should know how this would make you feel.

You don’t need any excuse to drop this friendship. It is your right and you don’t need to justify your discomfort. Just turn down her BBQ and if she asks why you can decide then what to say. You owe her nothing.

ps former husband or deceased husband? One is still her husband.

I wonder what your husband's response will be if you say, "I wonder what male sex chat line is like?"

Have you always been this jealous and OTT?

There is nothing wrong with talking about sexual things, it’s human nature, we all do it.
Your husband was joking around, he’s not about to run off with her.
Loosen up.

This is so sad to read, that poor woman. Her husband has died, and now she’s being ostracised for daring to speak about sex in front of a married couple.
If it wasn’t this, OP would have soon found some other excuse to ditch her. Same old story, this is exactly how widowed and divorced women lose their support networks.

I think you should put her in touch with the neighbour described in this thread, they could do a roaring trade!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5359824-suspicious-of-neighbours-behaviour-towards-my-dh?reply=145192553