DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

I think it’s irrelevant if other people would have been uncomfortable with the comment. You were there and were. You acknowledge that this is in part because of issues you have with your husband that you need to address. You now know that she is an over sharer and whether her intentions were innocent or not it makes you uncomfortable. This isn’t a friendship you should foster as you are obviously different people. You can be pleasant and see her from time to time but I would reject the bbq invite and make an excuse. You can perhaps hang out again in future once you have had time to process and tell your husband if there is any inappropriate or sleazy comments again then it will be the end of hanging out permanently.

Reminds me of Anne Hathaway in I think it's Valentine's Day where she's working in an office and occasionally takes sex line calls

At first I thought you were being unreasonable but when you said she was speaking about what she was planning on wearing during the sex chat, it does feel like crossing a line. My female friend and I once spent a pissed up evening laughing our arses off imagining setting up a dominatrix business, all the things we would do etc. but it wasn't sexual, it was incredibly funny to us - which is what I thought your neighbour was doing here (or at least recounting the joke), but it appears that it's a bit more serious than that.

As for the sad widow thing - that's ridiculously simplistic. She is probably devastated at the loss of her husband, she no doubt really misses him feels lonely. But that doesn't give her the green card to flirt with someone else's husband ffs 😂I was at a kid's party on the weekend where I was talking with a dad that I really clicked with - I actually really fancied him and wished he was single - I'm a bit sad and lonely sometimes, as I came out of an 11 year relationship at the start of this year. BUT I didn't flirt with him because my desires/sad singledom don't trump the fact he has a family! If she's that lonely and single there are many more options than flirting with the neighbour's husband.

I’m sorry but “slightly fiddly” made me laugh!

The misogyny displayed by the OP is mind boggling. Women can only have a joke with other women?!! Most men and women are perfectly able to joke about things with regards to sex. The majority I would say view sex lines as a bit silly, women talking dirty whilst cleaning the bathroom, sad men paying money for something stupid. It sounded like they were both joking, but if you don’t think your husband was, then he’s outed himself as one of those sad men. I don’t think your neighbour has done anything wrong, but your views on women (especially those who happen to be widowed and therefore single), are pretty disgusting.

So you and your drunk friend joking about setting up a dominatrix business, including what you would do during it, isn't the same as the likely slightly tipsy neighbour joking about setting up a phone sex business and what she'd do during it?

2 wines sounds like a boring bbq tbh. I agree that her and her deceased husband had probably had a funny conversation once upon a time.

I recall when moving into our village, a story in the national press about another village at the other end of the country applying for a licence to run a festival weekend, for swingers. I jokingly said at the bar, I may have to do that or make our excessive land into a swinging campsite. And watched all the local farmers choke on their whisky.

Your dh was probably just trying to make her feel comfortable tbh, especially if she doesn't normally drink and was feeling tipsy.

I drew the parallel at first because I thought it was the same. So I thought OP was unreasonable. But when OP mentioned the neighbour was describing outfits to her DH, that's when the line was crossed IMO. My friend and I were describing the things we'd do to men because we were fed up with the online dating scene and we thought the idea of becoming dominatrices (is that the plural?!) was hilarious. But it sounds like OP's neighbour had started to cross into a more sexualised conversation. Just my 2p anyway!

A misogynist! Gees! Up until this point, we never shared this kind of detail about our sexual sides. The neighbourly friendship was mostly vanilla. Does my discomfort at the way the sex phone line chat was shared post snaggers and salad make me a misogynist? I am struggling with this.

You're jealous of your neighbour, and don't trust your husband.

Not sure there is much future in each relationship really.

Had that happened to me, I would have spent the evening laughing about it with my OH, impatiently wondering what the next BBQ would reveal. But then I trust my OH.

I could be jealous or I could be just perplexed why the conversation went to where it did, given it hasn't ever done so before. It's not something that I would share with a couple at a BBQ, particular the detail around what would be worn at the sex phone line etc. Too much drama. You are right to note my issues with my DH.

😂

She wasn't describing them to her husband
She was just talking the same as you and your friend were about how she would have gone about the business. Exactly the same

No your attitude towards this "single woman" and how she should be quiet around men least she tempt them is what makes you a misogynist

Neighbour is normally quite socially tactful. I don't know what happened yesterday. To jump to conclusions that I am a misogynist is weird.

The odds of there being two threads about DHs and massage parlours in Active. There is a lot of it going around, apparently.

Like I've said, I read the lot - and all you say is that you're upset with him, that he likes the kind of stuff she was referring to and that you can see you have issues.

You've had not had nearly enough to say about him and far too much to say about her - considering that he's the one that has obligations to you, the one who knows the kinds of things that would make you uncomfortable and the one who knows your boundaries and your insecurities...alas according to you she's the one that should know all of this despite not being your friend, but she is kind of a friend because you actually go out together, you don't just say hi over the bins...it's laughable.

Does she know you husband is a sleaze? Do you have any intention of listening to the myriad of messages telling you that you need to look closer to home? Or will you continue to deflect, only answer the questions you choose to answer (ignoring a vast majority of those about your husband) and act like you're not being absolutely awful about a woman who's only crime was to consider you a friend?

I nearly wet myself laughing! Where’s the laugh emoji when you want it!

I've actually had a giggle about that clip in the past but I wouldn't use it to mock a poster. Nice one.

Kick your husband out, the marriage is obviously over.

or

maybe just breath.

I have variously said I am upset/angry with DH and that I know it means we have issues. You successfully identified in that in your trawl thru my posts. I know my husband has been a dick and it has embarrassed and upset me. I am dealing with this tonight. This does not remove the issues around what she shared and how she shared it. You don't know her motives, and it is poor judgement to assume you do.

Update: Managed to have a convo with DH about the situation and he said it was a joke (what he said) and I have lost my sense of humour. When I said if that's how he sees it that I wouldn't want to be socialising with the 3 of us again he said that would be a shame. That was the end of it. I know I have a DH problem.

Darvo- twat

I'm not sure what you were expecting him to say that would have pleased you? That in the cold light of day he's realised your neighbour is a filthy harlot and he won't even take his own bins out in future for fear of making eye contact with her?

I actually dont find what she shared shocking it's not 1950, could it be that you lost some of your confidence amd this lady is seen as a threat? Im not being nasty just saying that im extra sensitive when not feeling myself and my husband making that comment wouldn't normally upset mw unless I wasn't feeling myself