DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

He sounds like he would tbf

It's usually how it goes, isn't it? Apparently single women can't be trusted. Or something.

Yep.

Hard to have an in-joke when your husband is dead. Poor lady was just reminiscing and your husband made a joke. What did the police do when you alerted the authorities ?

She is not a poor widow. She has a vast friendship network so not sitting at home upset. I have come here for support on how to deal with a situation that has made me feel uncomfortable. She is not being ostracised.

I have to agree with this, and I do wonder - drink or not - if she was testing the water.

I knew a woman once who was a friendly acquaintance. (About 7 years older than me.) Someone I didn't socialise with much, but got on with OK - but not an actual 'friend.' She was recently divorced after 10 years of marriage.

My DH told me he thought she looked like a bit Michelle from Corrie (Kym Marsh.) When I saw her I told her this, and she said 'OMG what a compliment! Tell him thank you ... That's made my day! Tell him I'm so pleased about this, that I'll have sex with him. Whenever he wants. Anytime any place. ' 😆Then she burst out laughing.

I was like I said 'err ha ha OK eeeerrrrr...' Upshot is I felt so weird about it that after that I avoided her like the plague. Gave her a wide berth and eventually ghosted her... What a fucking weird thing to say. She had met my DH just twice, for about 5 minutes each time. She didn't fucking meet him again! I mean who the fuck says shit like this? So innapropriate and weird.

There are some jokes that I find funny and others I don't. This wasn't a funny one.

Well yeah, more than likely. Especially if she's talking about sex in front of 'your man.' Why else would this woman have said this?

As has been said, it smacks of testing the water. Some women are so brazen that they do try it on with men in front of their wives. They enjoy making other women jealous, upset, and insecure. Whilst many single women don't do this, it's naive to assume SOME of them don't!

And yes, some women in relationships do it too, but we're not on about women in relationships on this thread. We're on about a single woman/widow.

You're feeling threatened by the presence in your life of an 'available' woman. When you had her in a box of 'nice mature widowed lady' you didn't see a threat. Now she's revealed that she's a person interested in sex, you see her differently. Your husband's response to her joke has reinforced your fear. He shouldn't have said that, but the real issue is why you feel threatened in your marriage. Are you and your H not solid?

That's not as funny as you think it is.

OP's vibes

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1i739SyCu9I&pp=ygUYYXVzdHJhbGlhbiBtcCBjcm9jb2RpbGVz

Don’t miss the opportunity to develop a lucrative side hustle with your neighbour.

A sex line for the mature audience to call to listen to the sounds of smacked bottoms.

She could do the sound recording whilst you and your husband take turns to whip others buttocks with every day household objects.

This time next year you could all be millionaires.

You're worried about your husband are you op.

2 wines would have me on my back.

???

Reading your posts I think the issue here is there is a backstory (unknown to your neighbour).

Your DH likes role play and sexy dressing. Youre aware of that (she isn't).
You state she is attractive?

I think this highlights your insecurities.

I've had many drunken nights with my friends at my house talking about their latest hookup and other sex chat with my DP present. I've never felt threatened.
However if I felt my DP could be attracted to my friend and my friend started to talking about a kink my DP is into then yes I probably would feel a little threatened.

However I wouldn't be mad/annoyed at my friend because'
-she doesn't know my DPs sexual pretences so that saying what she said would set him off.

• she wouldn't know or believe that my DP could potentially be attracted to her.

So I think your neighbour really isn't the issue here.

I think there's insecurities on your part that have been brought up. Do you not feel he's fully satisfied in your sex life? Are you not fully into what his sexual preferences are, and having a woman who is into it and talking about with making you feel insecure that they could have a potential sexual 'spark', both clearly being into the same things?

Of course there is now the open knowledge to you that she is into his sexual preferences and he has made it known he also is too. So now that's out there.

If he was into something completely different like very large women dressed in bikinis then you probably wouldn't feel threatened by what she said knowing your DP would have 0 interest and probably just laugh it off and think nothing of it. But because you know there is the threat of the 'spark', its got your back up?

But remember, she has 0 idea that he happens to coincidentally be into what she was saying and that he has the potential to be attracted to her. So it wasn't intentional on her part.

@anotherglass I’m insightful because I’ve been in the position of having my H watching sleazy shit behind my back most days and yet on paper very much ‘a new man/feminist’ . He didn’t know I knew but I did. One day when I had enough and didn’t care if we stayed married or not I just came out with it and said ‘I’m simply not attracted to you watching this shit behind my back and using it as a habit like brushing your teeth and if you wonder why I’m not interested that way, that’s a huge part of it’ - he was shocked and embarrased but I think realised I meant business. I think a lot of this OP depends on the other stuff you haven’t said, if this is part of a pattern - sounds awful but to me I find sleaze harder to tolerate the older I am and the older they are too - I know age shouldn’t come into it , but my brain doesn’t quite feel like that. If it’s part of a pattern I think you need to really question whether you actually like him enough any more and want to stay married- if you do , then I think you need a conversation about what it is you don’t find ok - it doesn’t matter if others find it ok, if you don’t - get it out in the open , even if it means you have a row - as it is I think like me you probably have some festering shizzle that you are shoving under the carpet and something like this has brought it to the surface .

Sounds to me like you're a bit jealous of your neighbour - you've referred to her as 'attractive' and 'single' and gone along with people calling her desperate...she's a widow, she probably is a bit lonely but it most certainly is not her fault that you don't trust your husband. That's a you and him problem.

Personally I think you're taking out your marriage issues on somebody who was just having a laugh and reminiscing over silly ideas she had with her husband - it's not like she was suggesting she do it now!
What next, is she not allowed to wear a v-neck t-shirt or shorts above her knee in case he looks at her?!

Why are you with him if he acts in a manner which you find disrespectful? would you be so affronted if he hadn't said he'd use the line?

Oh no, not a single woman talking about sex.
The whore.

I have never described my neighbour as desperate. I described her as attractive as a previous poster had stereotyped her as some kind of frumpy older widow. A pp got the situation nail on the head when she described it as bringing to the fore issues I have with DH.

It wasn't her "sexual backstory" unless she said "I used to actually do this" ffs

In my view, she overshared. I don't feel bad about saying this.

Your issue is not the neighbour.
your problem is between you and your husband. It is no one else’s responsibility to anticipate any tensions in your marriage, and tip toe around them. Especially when it’s a topic that most people would have a good giggle at.

maybe start the conversation with your DH saying - last night I was upset when X, it made me feel Y. Please can we talk about this because I think it reflects Z in our wider relationship.

the neighbour is not your issue.

Unless there's a backstory that we're not aware of I think it might be a 'you' problem. You say it "shifted the BBQ dynamic in an uncomfortable way" but you are the only one who was uncomfortable.

I wonder if you're upset because your husband became too enthusiastic when she mentioned what she would wear.

I agree that her comments were in poor taste.

Was your DH sitting there with his hand down his pants, rubbing his erection and going "oo ye love, I'd ring you every day" with a leer on his face?

Or was he laughing and said "well I'd have rung you"