DH and neighbour weird situation

[anotherglass]

Hello, yesterday my neighbour came over for a BBQ. She has been widowed for several years and we generally get on v well, exchanging Xmas cards, and putting eachothers' bins out when we are away etc. She does not have a partner currently.
After a nice BBQ in the afternoon catching up on the street, the three of us (me, DH and neighbour) sat in the garden cabin listening to music. Then came the bit that shocked me. There was a brief conversation about a new local massage centre that we thought was a bit dodgy. I add this for context.
Then neighbour volunteers that when she moved to the area, with her former husband, she jokingly thought about setting up a fantasy style sex chat line, in quite a niche area.

She went into detail about how she would operate the line. She was stood up in the centre of the room while she said this. I was shocked as our conversation never strays into personal sexual areas. I have only ever thought of her as a nice lady, my age.
DH pipes up he'd use her phone line. I was mortified.
I was very tired last night so did not raise how upset it had made me feel. I have woken this morning thinking WTF happened last night and how do I deal with it.
I raised with DH this morning and he says 'it was just a joke" and to "calm down".
Neighbour has invited us over for a BBQ. How would you deal with this situation? I am angry at both neighbour and DH.

I agree with those who say she overshared. She might have been a bit drunk or just socially awkward. It’s happens and imo you are making a bigger deal of it than it is. She said it in front of both of you so she wasn’t doing it to flirt with your husband.

When I’ve seen other people do similar over sharing/awkward things in social situations (or done them myself!), tbh I’ve found the typical male response to being uncomfortable is to make a joke of it (which is what your husband did), whereas a woman typically tries to change the subject or just pretends the thing wasn’t said.

Unless the backstory is that she’s got form for this sort of thing, I’d honestly forget about it. I bet once she got home she’s probably embarrassed and cursing herself thinking “why the heck did I say that?”.

Because she probably wants attention, which your husband happily gave her. She would be most likely sleep with him, given the chance. Watch your husband, not her.

This sounds suspisciously like "single woman, therefore must be after my husband". The vast majority of single woman (widowed, divorced, etc) are not interested in your husband, but you see it all the time, women being ostracised from groups, treated with suspicion as soon as they're not 'part of a couple'.

I hope this has a happy ending

Of course you don't

Because you think it's fine and dandy to tell single women to shut up and be subtle around men least they tempt them like the wicked whores they are

I think you need to lighten up a bit. I don't think neighbour or DH did anything wrong, sounds like they were just having a laugh.

Yes I was upset with his response but at the same time I was a little shocked with what she was sharing.

Well I think you realise this is a DH problem. If an “attractive” widower said this in front of my DH, he’d be very unbothered, not at all excited or turned on, perhaps a little uncomfortable depending on the level of detail, and he definitely wouldn’t say that he’d call her sex chat line.

I feel a bit sorry for this woman. Without being there or knowing her(!), I’d assume she thought she was sharing amongst friends she’s known for a long time. I’m a bit of an oversharer but I guess that’s ok because I’m married? People can have affairs even if they are married you know. It seems unfair to make a particular point of her husband being dead so she’s more of a threat to your relationship. Your DH is the threat.

Has your husband been unfaithful before? I'm trying to understand why it has bothered you so much. If my DH came out with this I would know he was joking.

I suppose the answer this depends on where your boundaries lie. I think there is a time and a place for sharing details of your sexual side, including fantasy situations. We are neighbours not very close friends. I am not going to back away from feeling uncomfortable in the way the evening panned out.

I am partly upset with this situation because it has tainted an otherwise good friendship with neighbour I've had over several years. During this time, we have gone out just us two for walks and drinks, and never before has the sexual stuff come up. I would prob had a giggle if we were out and she shared the story. Looking at this in another way, it is not something that I would feel comfortable sharing with a friend with her partner also present.

I would have had a laugh if it was just the two of us. Putting the shoe on the other foot, I would not have shared that story with a female friend, if their partner was present. I would be alert to have it might be interpreted. We are very close with the neighbour but she is not a very close friend.

I guess based on your posts you should decide whether you're good friends/get on very well/are just neighbours and let her know because you've said all three, and how comfortable she feels in your company/how much you'll see her will probably change accordingly.

Then deal with your husband issues because that's the real problem.

@anotherglass "How do you think most men would react if an attractive woman started talking about wearing kinky boots, using a whip and then doing a phone sex chat?"

The vast majority of men of any age or marital status would be absolutely salivating. Some would keep their thoughts to themselves, some would blurt it out (like your DH did) and spend the next six weeks pretending it was a joke whilst secretly hoping the woman nextdoor got her business up and running.

Oh WHY did they take the laugh reaction away?? 🤣🤣

She came to yours for a BBQ and you're invited to hers for a BBQ.

That's more than "just" neighbours

You keep changing between her being a "good friend" and what is implied is "just" a neighbour

My partner would probably have said something like this. We often have a lot of boozy street parties and he'd have said it if the story came from the 30 year old single woman across the road or the 75 year old married lady at the end, possibly even her 80 year old husband 😂

I'd have just rolled my eyes and thought no more of it. We're solid though and he makes quips about everything, so this wouldn't be out of character for him. Perhaps it's not the same for your husband? I certainly wouldn't end a friendship over this one conversation though.

You can have a good friendship / relationship with a neighbour ( put bins out, swap Xmas cards, go to BBQs) without being close friends.

Absolutely this. You’d mentioned something sexual in the conversation already, so that line had been crossed without incident as far as your neighbour was concerned. So she obviously felt safe enough in your friendship to mention her sex line idea. No doubt a light hearted story rather than some ploy to lure your husband into some kind of sordid affair.

Your husband is the problem here and he has embarrassed you and undermined you by suggesting he’d be interested in some kind of sexual relationship with your neighbour. He’s the one in the wrong here.

These are sex people, Lynn!

Maybe she doesn't think that your good friendship isn't really a good friendship

Because you yourself using vastly different levels of relationship is confusing tbh

I wouldn't consider someone "just a good neighbour" if we went out for drinks, went around to each others for BBQ's etc...

People in town are talking about the massage parlour being a bit dodgy. I don't see this as a green light to start sharing details about the niche sex phone line you once concocted. I wouldn't have shared this with people I do not consider really good friends.

Who knows most about the friendship with my neighbour and how it compares with my other really good friends? You apparently. This is getting tedious.

Well you have used vastly different terms

She might not realise she varies between merely a neighbour and a good friend but not that good a friend...