Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

[pourmeadrinkpls]

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

I agree. Double cheeky fuckery to just turn up with the siblings and push them into all the games.

There was a recent thread about this; but I completely agree: it's a bit like somebody offering you a coffee and you then asking for a meal as well!

I don’t get the outrage for soft play. Where I am it’s very common for siblings to tag along (parents pay for them separately) and buy their own food. No one seems to mind as it’s an open venue with lots of parties going on - it’s not like the birthday child has booked out the venue for exclusivity. I normally just pop a few extra party bags just in case and the offer birthday cake to all. No big deal and makes other parents lives easier. For parties at home, I agree it’s better to avoid bringing if possible.

once your child is school aged, you don’t have childcare for the siblings, you ask if it’s ok to drop and run not supervise your child at the party or you decline if you have a child who really needs you there. This is basic manners but a lot of parents struggle with the bit when a child’s party goes from being a parents social occasion (so bring all the kids) to being a child’s social occasion.

CF is turning up with the sibling in tow without having asked.

I’d have no issue whatsoever with a polite request explaining the lack of childcare. If it’s something like a soft play then unless you’ve privately hired the whole place then it’ll be full of random members of the public so a sibling should be a total non issue so long as the parent pays for their entry and the kid has been prepped not to receive a party bag.

Never seen an issue taking siblings to a public soft play provided you pay entry for the siblings, feed them separately and don’t expect a party bag. I’d never have done for an organized event, eg Laserquest, or a private hire type of party though.

YANBU
If we’d wanted the siblings we’d have included them on the invitation.

I don't think asking to bring a sibling is an issue, especially if there are childcare issues and a younger sibling means that the invited child can't attend otherwise. However it is CF to turn up without asking in advance and expecting to join in. I don't see the problem if it's a public soft play to turn up and pay for siblings to play.

Unless you're a single parent it's not lack of childcare, it's just making it easier for you. Let's face it, generally the Dad is not the one bringing the kid, or looking after the other one.
It changes the dynamic as there's now an unknown older or younger child in the group, and it means you feel guilty so need to do another place setting, need more decorations and a party bag, because let's face it, these CF will expect it.
If you want to be a decent person, you'll say you can't come due to childcare and let the parent offer. Can already spot the CF on here! 🤨

Soft play or whatever where they pay for sibling and sort own food is fine. Some parties less so!

DS2 had a party in a village hall when he was 4, his best mates parent asked to bring sibling (making it sound they were in a bit of a spot), I made the assumption it was because of child care and said fine. Come the party, best mate turns up with sibling and both parents. That was CF. Apparently they did it a lot - either they were both really ineffective parents who could only handle their kids as a pair, or just thought the world owed them free party food.

Yeah same here.

I usually just say if siblings want to come please let me know and dietry requirements so I can make sure I have enough party bags and they will need to cover the additional charge. Then if say only two other siblings are coming I then let the parents know that I will cover the charge as only two extra children but if it’s more I don’t cover the additional children

If the other parent is working though then you still might not have childcare. I don't see the harm in asking, if you don't ask you don't get. If the child is a good friend then you won't mind their sibling coming too. Especially in the example you give of soft play where there will be lots of random kids. You don't have to do a place setting and invite them to the whole party and you can also say no - 'sorry we can only invite X amount of children so siblings are unable to attend' or 'yes that's fine, it's not a private hire so you're welcome to bring Fred along, entry is £ and they have a nice kids menu I am sure you can buy them lunch from'

I seem to be the only parent in my DD’s class who doesn’t tag my other kid along and it’s so weird. How can it be so normalised to bring ALL your kids to a party? Some of the parents have 5 kids.

I just say we can’t attend. The one time I mentioned it was because I also had my son that day it threw the school chat into disarray. The next party invite was clear that all siblings could also attend but to let them know full numbers so they could cater and provide party bags for all 😮.

It’s one of the main reasons I didn’t do a party for my DD as I’m not paying out for multiple siblings to attend a party I don’t want to invite them to AND provide a party bag for them too.

My DD regularly can’t attend as my DH works a lot of weekends so I usually have DS with me. That’s just how it is and I’m not budging on it being rude to just turn up with my son in tow, so unfortunately she misses out.

Disagree. Turning up without asking is the issue.

There’s been a couple of parties dd wouldn’t have been able to attend if my toddler hadn’t been able to come. I didn’t tell the parents that, I just asked if it was possible to bring ds too & not to worry if not.
They both said ‘yes, of course’ and there were other siblings there too.m ( usually younger)
I don’t expect them to feed ds, I bring my own food (but the parents always kindly offer)
It’s quite normal where I’m from for siblings to come to the parties.

If you don’t feel able to say ‘sorry, no siblings are invited’ etc then that’s kind of your problem.

I don't think you can police attendance at public places. My husband works weekends so unfortunately if I can't bring a sibling then my other child normally has to miss out.

It's very common in my area for siblings to be invited or come along, and everyone has extra party bags and cake. But standard parties here are £50 village halls so not really a big drama.

Is this another thread for the last threads nutters to rant on about how it's bulldozering behaviour that will encourage children into a life of crime?

When they ask you can always so no OP.

But you sound offended at even being asked so just put on your invite "no siblings please".

If you're lucky nobody will take offence. If you're unlucky nobody will RSVP and your child's party will suck.

@Moonnstars why do you assume that it's ok if the are a good friend they won't mind the sibling and "if you don't ask you don't get".

This is exactly the sort of behaviour I'm saying is CF. It's different if it's offered, asking is rude and putting pressure on the parent. Personally I like most people would find it very mean to excude an uninvited child.

I think it's OK to ask, so long as you're willing to hear a "no" and take it with good grace.

I don't really accept that "having to say no" puts someone in an awkward position.

As adults, we should be able to communicate straightforwardly, without twisting ourselves into pretzels over it.

Honestly doesn’t stress me out this. I’ve had parties for my kids in soft play/trampoline parks etc and siblings have turned up, parents have just paid them in separate, but I have just gave them food cake/ and party bag if I have spare (usually someone doesn’t show and I have extras)

my lo has a party in 2 weeks and this morning someone’s messaged saying she has to bring her son but shel buy him food, I’ve just said no it’s fine they’ll be plenty.

i took my eldest to a party for my youngest’s friend yesterday as had no childcare; just in a hall, there was loads of siblings, the mam was practically force feeding her with cake and food even though we brought her some.

I can never see it being an issue unless like I said paid event, but usually we would just pay in separate. Never something I can get stressed about to be honest 🙈 I’ve never been to a venue that isn’t flexible or with extra food available. And if there genuinely isn’t then the parents know that.

This can be a very localised culture. Mine grew up on Army bases... it would be seen as extremely strange not to include siblings (after checking) as one parent or the after could be absent for long periods of time or at short notice. As they got older, people would do swaps so one parent would watch a couple at the party while the other had the siblings.

But if you are in a bind then I don't see the harm in politely mentioning it as a reason for your child not coming and to ask if it's at all possible to accommodate siblings. I don't see asking as rude. Turning up with siblings unannounced is rude, politely asking isn't.

To be fair though I am that parent who has put no siblings on invitations though to prevent siblings coming to parties where I have booked an activity and paid for a certain amount of children.

Also if they are a good friend, parents often see the siblings as an extension of the child around here. My daughters are primary aged and their closest friends all have siblings within a year or two. We all just assume the siblings will turn up, occasionally we may text and say "feel free to bring x along" but mostly we would all turn up with siblings as it's expected.

OP, there are plenty of people who would rather their child's birthday party is well attended and therefore do not mind an extra child coming along. Equally there are plenty of parents who do not have backup care for a sibling.

As long as they offer to pay any extra costs, it's a simple enough request, and is easy to say no if you aren't happy. 'Oh, I'm sorry, we're at capacity, but if anyone cancels, I'll let you know.'

Is that really so hard? I don't understand why it should be regarded as cheeky fuckery. It's just communication.

Still remeber my DD having 6 close female friends over for a 7yr party at our house and one mum bought the 3yr brother. I said she could leave her daughter but nope wanted to stay and got annoyed when the birthed wasn’t included and moved the sausages and sausage rolls out the way because he wasn’t allowed them…grrr it completely changed the dynamic and she was the only parent who stayed. Her daughter was confident and annoyed her brother was there too. It was just odd