Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

[pourmeadrinkpls]

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

Wow! So you'd be offended if someone was upfront, yet that's your attitude. Interesting! 🤔

Exactly this

I really do not get this either. Asking if it is ok/ offering to pay (especially for soft play) seems reasonable.

We are still in class party territory though. I would not expect to take a child/ to be asked if one could attend to a smaller event like bowling/ laser tag etc. that said, those sort of gatherings are usually for slightly older kids where drop and go is more common.

We've been asked, and said yes a few times. Likewise, we've checked if the toddler can go if that is going to be logistically easier - especially as I am often on call on weekends and need to keep an eye on work.

In my son's class most of the children have birthdays between May and the end of August, so it is normal to double/ triple up with other kids in the class. Since a lot of the children have siblings or step-siblings already going a few more kids is no problem.

Just organising the 'mega' party for six with birthdays in the same month, and we've gone for exclusive hire with siblings welcome. All children have either older or younger siblings.

It makes for a really lovely atmosphere and everyone has a lot of fun.

We had this just a few weeks ago. I have no problem with siblings coming to any parties I've hosted. It's very much the norm round here. Whenever I've been asked then if it's a soft play then parents pay for the siblings and they play totally separately, never interrupting the meal room.

If it's village hall one then they've never expected to be fed but there's always plenty left over.

I was repeatedly told on the last thread that me not minding hosting siblings in the least makes me the CF and in a bizarre turn of events that doing so means I'm raising my child to be a sex offender.

As long as the parents of the birthday child haven’t done an exclusive hire of the soft play, it’s a public space. So it’s not cheeky to bring along a sibling to a soft play party as long as you have checked with the parent first, you pay for them separately and don’t expect the sibling to eat party food or get a party bag.

My kids are 10 and 7, so I’ve both hosted and attended many kids parties over the years. I don’t get the outrage about siblings coming along. I’ve always welcomed siblings if the parent doesn’t have an alternative, even to my own house, because my children want all of their friends there. I’m a single parent but lots of people work at the weekends too. A little empathy goes a long way.

Depending on the age of the kids I would rather parents stay and watch their children even if it means brings a sibling along, rather than doing a drop and run. It’s helpful because usually they muck in a bit with the others.

OP, people work shifts, people work weekends, people travel abroad for work, people are in the armed forces or police specialisms. Not everyone does 9-5. My ex used to have a trip every year that he left at the start of July and came home in October.

Plenty of two parent families have no cover.

You seem to have a very rigid view of the world.

I’m sure you can spot the CFs…….actually we’ve never had to do this because as shift workers who get called in regularly due to people trying to die, we have backups on our backups, but when people have asked us it’s been because of things like a spouse having major medical treatment……I’m glad they felt ok about asking us.

"If you want to be a decent person, you'll say you can't come due to childcare and let the parent offer. Can already spot the CF on here! 🤨"

Is that not the same interaction though? Except with a much more indirect communication style?

Tbh I have far more of a problem with parents who drop out at the last minute, disappointing my kid and leaving me to pay for a spot that isn't being used.

Absolutely. Even worst when the party is at home!

That said, when you deal with decent parents, it's a non-issue. I have had many parents coming with siblings to parties I organised (never at home), didn't ask, BUT you wouldn't have know the siblings were there!

Kept quietly on the side, entertaining themselves, not joining in any way.

When they are so nice and well behaved, I always gave them a slice of cake at the end (you always buy cake for double the amount of children anyway 😂).

CF expecting their kids to join in? Awful.

I don't see any harm in asking. I was quite glad of a couple of siblings at my sons party

Someone else had a party on the same day that I didn't know about so half the kids didn't make it.

No, if I got an invite saying no siblings and I didn't have childcare for the sibling I'd just decline the party invite altogether.

If I did have childcare I'd accept.

If the invite doesn't say no siblings, I ask then get a snooty reply because I'm being a "cheeky fucker" then that says more about you than me.

It's not really rocket science here, is it?

I don't thinking asking makes them a CF. the same way they can ask you can say no. I would personally just pay the other sibling to attend if its a soft play. Unless, you've paid for exclusive hire who I pay for myself and bring isn't your business. Although, I would be clear to my child that they won't be getting a party bag or cake ect.

Having done exclusive hire, it often makes it easier to say yes to siblings as you can just have more kids turn up without worrying about numbers of friends invited. Younger siblings then play together, while the party kids have fun (my experience as the party organiser!).

But I get the principle, people can pay to bring a sibling to a public area. It doesn't impact the host in terms of costs.

Showing up with a sibling without checking is rude. Especially as they usually want a party bag (and what child wouldn’t). I always took a couple extra but budget didn’t stretch far enough to have more than that spare. One dad once brought a sibling which was fine as it was soft play and anyone can pay to attend, but he didn’t pay, he said she was there for a party, and he told her to sit down for food. I had to pay for another meal and 2 kids had to share a chair. I later received an apology from the mum, her DH had no idea on party etiquette and he saw other older siblings sitting down to eat, but they’d been invited.

God have a I bring committing party crimes?

I just bring along the other child if it's at a soft play, pay for our own entry and foot and sit away from the party table. Surely if it's a public venue it's fine?

It depends on the nature of the party. Soft play - assuming it’s not a private hire for the party, fine to bring a sibling to the concurrent public session, pay their entry and either bring a packed meal or buy the sibling’s food. Village hall type parties - message host, explain no childcare for sibling and ask if it would be ok to bring them along to sit with you (with no expectation for them to be catered for or to join in with any paid-for activities where only the invitees should be joining in).
Go Karting etc. which have specific numbers and can’t be attended independently as an individual. No. The sibling can wait wherever you’re waiting (in the cafe or car etc)

We regularly do lift shares to/from parties to make it easier around other kids. Or drop and go. Plenty of options before gate crashing

I was a lone parent with minimal support. I had dts. I always declined individual party invites as I had no one to care for the one that wasn’t invited.

Showing up with a sibling without checking is rude. Especially as they usually want a party bag (and what child wouldn’t).

that's not true.

None of the siblings that came with parents were ever allowed to ask for bags or treats. A lot of parents have manners and know how to parent thankfully.

But then I have been incredibly lucky, I always got RSVP and no last minute CF cancelling because they had a better offer

It's fine, DC1 goes to the party, DC2 goes to soft play (doesn't expect to join in the party because they are going to soft play), party kid gets their friend at their party. Everyone happy.

I don't see the problem - I'm definitely in the minority. I have 3 kids and no family or partner/second parent to watch the kids.

It's it's a village hall type thing, I'll take the one child and then wait to the side or outside with the others but I have to say in my oldest's class they've almost always been welcome. I never let them eat the food or take a party bag

It's it's a soft play place, I'll pay myself for the extra kids and will keep them playing while the birthday party is having food and cake so they don't intrude

If it's somewhere I can't take them (one party was at a trampoline park and they weren't allowed in) then I asked another parent in the class if they'd be willing to take my oldest in and I'd wait in the car

My youngest twins have only been invited to one party so far, but my oldest (7) happily sat with the parents playing on his iPad while his brothers partied

Maybe it's different for me because my oldest was going to parties when the youngest two were literally newborns. I remember taking the twins along to a massive sports hall-bouncy castle party when they were 6 weeks old and not even awake and overhearing another mother (not the party host) tell someone how rude it was that I brought siblings. They couldn't eat, or play, were literally sleeping in their pram or being cuddled by mums and weren't part of the headcount

If it's unclear whether I can "get away with it" I'll always ask. But knowing how hard it is I always make a point of saying on my son's party invites that siblings are welcome.

Honestly, give parents some grace if it's a case of their child misses out entirely. If it doesn't affect the headcount or your cost how is it a problem?

Paying for siblings' soft play entry and not expecting them to join the party tea or have party bag etc is completely normal here. Not CF because you are not asking anything of the hosts, you're just looking after your own child in the same building. Soft play is not a child free zone. I have once been thought rude when hosting a party for not covering siblings' entry fees - different culture in different year groups.

You lost me completely at "Let's face it, generally the Dad is not the one bringing the kid, or looking after the other one."

It never bothered me if people asked if they could bring siblings. The early years are hard work and round here there’s a strong ‘it takes a village’ mentality so we were all happy to do what made each other’s lives easier. Never had an issue with siblings demanding party bags; they’d always been told they were just for the invitees.

I feel sad for kids whose parents decline all their invitations as a matter of course because they have no sibling cover.

Reasons I’ve been asked for a sibling that don’t include single parent:
-Mum works weekends (events manager at a wedding venue)
-Dad is in the army and on deployment
-Dad has a long haul trip for work and had to fly Sunday to make a Monday morning meeting
-3 or more kids and the other parent is taking the eldest kid to an activity that would be even less suitable like a sports event miles away
-Mum is on a hen do and Dad has the kids

So yes IME it is very much lack of childcare and no it isn’t always mum.

I’ve never had to ask thankfully because I’ve never been in that bind and now don’t suspect that I ever will be due to the ages of the kids, the fact that DH’s job no longer includes much long haul travel and also I have a year max left of non drop offs. But I can’t imagine getting at annoyed at a polite message asking if it would be ok, explaining the reason and ending with I totally understand if you can’t accommodate. If I can I’ll say yes because I want my child’s party to be well attended by their friends. But I’ve never felt pressured and have said no in the past too- once because the sibling was under the minimum age for the activity and once because we were genuinely at capacity for the venue.

So yeah I really don’t get it!

DH sometimes has to work weekends - he’s at work right now - and if a party falls on a weekend he’s at work, then as he can’t take the other kids to work with him, unfortunately that does mean he’s unavailable for childcare at that time.

He’s certainly not the only parent out there that doesn’t have a 9-5 Monday-Friday working pattern either.

As for how CF it is to ask to bring along a sibling, then I agree with pp - a lot depends on the nature of the party and whether the parent is prepared to pay for the sibling and keep them out of the way. It’s certainly not something I’d consider automatic CF territory.

(Although having said that I used to be acquainted with one parent who would always ask for siblings to go along to every party, not because of any childcare reasons, she was a SAHM and her DH had a 9-5 Mon-Fri job, but because she didn’t want the other sibling to miss out on the party fun. Which was definitely cheeky fuckery)