Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

[pourmeadrinkpls]

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

Obviously not booking a table and being at the same restaurant, I'm talking about sitting at your table. That's my issue.

But no one has said this.
If you read the replies people have said they would be paying for the sibling to play at the soft play and then pay for their food where they would sit them with the parent, not at the party table. So your example is still wrong as no one is joining the table. People are simply asking to be at the same place at the same time.

Exactly. It's no imposition on the private food room bit of the party and entirely unreasonable to try and police.

Can I ask why it is shameful to the other mum?

Because the other mum politely informed you that she'd bring her other child (not to the party to the venue) and you completely shut her down and then assumed 'it's fine'.

As I said, since it's open to the public, you might have a sibling arrive without giving you the heads up first. Are you then going to inform them when they're there, 'sorry, but no siblings are allowed at this venue whilst my child's birthday party is on as I don't want random children here.' Can you see how ridiculous that sounds since it's open to the public anyway?!

I didn't assume it was fine, she said it was fine and she totally understood 🤨

It probably won’t … what should happen is what happened to me. I invited 3 siblings to a party where we had to book for 20 and only had 17 going. All three mums offered to pay. I explained that it wasn’t costing us any more. All three said not to do them a party bag etc - I said not a problem as I was doing Star Wars books and they came in packs of ten.

None assumed, none even asked.

I would say that is an "it depends" - if the party is at your house then absolutely not! Not cool!
But if the party is in a public place - for example a soft play, or a swimming pool (the horror!!!) and the parent is saying to help supervise, and pays for their own child (and the child that isn't invited isn't imposing on the kids who have been) then that's potentially understandable. I wouldn't do it - but I can understand why peope may do so, especially if the parents of the birthday child have asked other parents if they will help with supervising.

I know a parent that always took all 3 of her children to all the parties each child was invited to, whether that be at a venue or at someone's home, she would then push each of them to be involved in the activities and eat the food, it's really cheeky fuckery behavior of her. She's known for being rather brazen anyway and getting what she can got free, her children are following suit in their behaviors now. I just stopped inviting the child that was friends with my ds so this wasn't an issue afterwards. Of course you certainly don't ask if a sibling can be invited, that's just as cheeky.

Really? The two year old sibling of a 5 year old is not a "random". If your child's day is going to be spoiled by said 2 year old being in the same building as them, you're getting something badly wrong.

It'll be fine. Just stop overthinking it.

How many people would actually say you've inconvenienced them. They'd surely just say 'I understand' or whatever to be polite.

I personally think it'll be a further issue if other siblings arrive at the venue as then you've either got to tell them you don't want siblings around or have that parent question why the rule is different for them.

This is the best post on this thread tbh.

Yes exactly!! I took my kids out to a paddling pool on an inset day a couple of weeks ago, they are 10 and 7. There happened to be a group of my 7 year old’s classmates there (with their mums). My 10 year old played with all of them, he knows them through school so it’s not like he’s a random. They all had a great time. It’s good for kids to make friends / play with others of different ages.

This is exactly why I'm saying parents bringing the siblings are CF. Completely entitled CF. They just make what should be a simple occasion difficult. If siblings were invited, you'd put it on the invite. I've been very clear that there's a specific party space booked that has limited numbers. Ironically this child wasn't going to be invited, but I convinced my child to invite them to be nice so they could be included. The child is extremely shy and on the outer of the group and no doubt will cling to the parent.

They just make what should be a simple occasion difficult.
It's the level of control and perfection you are trying to exert that is making a simple occasion difficult.

You're right, I'm just baffled why for a child's party any social etiquette goes out the window (for some)

I actually couldn’t tell you which children came to my DS’s birthday party, which of them brought siblings / two parents/ presents etc. Lots of children turned up, they bounced around and ate cake. They all had a nice time.

I think it just pays to be a bit flexible and forgiving with parents who you will probably see regularly for years and may well want the same from one day.

It's just a different understanding of etiquette. Round here the etiquette is to be relaxed and easy going and make it easy for everyone to bring siblings if that works best. At the same time anyone bringing a sibling knows that they won't be catered for/get a party bag/need to pay their own entry of it's a public venue. So nobody is stressed, nobody is inconvenienced, nobody finds any of it a big deal.

Your idea of etiquette would mark you out as unhelpful and bizarrely controlling at any of the class parties I've hosted or attended.

OP this is exactly what private hire venues are for. You can't control who goes to a public one. It has nothing to do with etiquette. Put your hand in your pocket and pay to hire a private venue if you find hosting at a public one too difficult.

I think it would seem just as ridiculous to hire out (say) an entire soft play place for exclusive use, and then refuse to let siblings into the building.

OP I think you're misjudging the etiquette. By and large the sibling is only there because the parent needs to stay with the invited child. Before you know it parents will be dropping their kids off and you will have a whole new problem of crowd control.

Anyone who drops siblings off with you, expects them to sit at the table or eat the food is being a CF. But these don't seem to be the people you are worried about and they can happen anywhere, exclusive use or not. Otherwise it's you who's missing the etiquette, not people who are kindly bringing their child to your child's party and hanging round for 2 hours for the children's sake, when they would probably rather be elsewhere.

Hang on OP, you are saying people shouldn't bring a sibling to a public softplay, pay them in and buy them their own food? That's madness surely - we often did this as it kills two birds with one stone (one child goes to party, other goes to softplay with parent).

I agree expecting food or party bag for sibling is cheeky as there isn't always spare; also would never expect party parents to supervise the sibling.

I'm sorry but I cannot be convinced that a parent who pays entry for a child, buys them food separately and doesn't expect them to be included in party bags etc. are a CF.

You can have a party where siblings aren't invited. That's fine. But you are suggesting it's normal to prevent the parents bringing their other kids to an openly public space, is ludicrous, and cannot be dressed up as 'social etiquette' or lack of.

And why are you 'convincing' a 4 year to invite this one particular child? I think at this age is 'social etiquette' to have a party for the whole class, or none at all, so I'm not sure why you'd go against that when you're all for what 'should' happen.

Hang on OP, you are saying people shouldn't bring a sibling to a public softplay, pay them in and buy them their own food? That's madness surely - we often did this as it kills two birds with one stone (one child goes to party, other goes to softplay with parent).

I think this is what the OP is saying, but it's a bit unclear from her posts and seems a crazy position to take. I think she's worried that uninvited siblings even being present in the same physical venue might ruin the party atmosphere for her DC, even if they're with another parent and eat separately from the party group.

I'm assuming the OP hasn't been to very many children's parties yet, because when she has a couple of years of attending primary school parties under her belt (including 3 or 4 in a single weekend), she'll realise that parties are not that big a deal and can frankly be quite tedious for the adults. But it's all about the children and the mutual consideration and gratitude on both sides makes it bearable - the parents of the invited children are grateful for the effort their host has gone to and the entertainment provided for their DC, and the party child's parents are grateful to other parents for the often not inconsiderable effort that they've gone to to ensure their child can attend. No one likes to let the kids down.

I'm not saying that this isn't a thing, but sneaking uninvited siblings in has never been a big problem at any of the parties we've attended or hosted.

But they're not bringing the sibling to the party. So what's the problem?

I’m wondering if OP’s DC is an only child and she’s a bit sensitive around that?