Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

[pourmeadrinkpls]

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

It's similar to a softplay, but then they go to a private area which will cause problems if people bring extra children who aren't invited. Firstly as it's small, so it will completely change the dynamic having randoms there, but also there is a capacity limit.

But it's not a private hire venue? In which case I think you were being rude to the parent who said about bringing their other child and paying for entry and food. Surely unless you get lucky on the day of the party the venue could let in lots of random children taking them up to capacity. At least if it's siblings you know who they are.

Or is your issue you need the parent to stay with the invited child? In which case I hope that is clear on the invitations.

I don't know the siblings. Have you not read any of the posts? Siblings or not, they are randoms to me and my child.

Strange to wm to say dads don't do parties, we do about 50/50 split of parties here. Lots both kids are I voted to as they know the very local kids equally well but when they're not one fo takes the other kid to do something else fun usually.

I always specify siblings are welcome. 75% of their pals are only children.

Should add I don't take kids unless invited, however had a party in a softplay for 1 of my daughters pals so my husband took my eldest to a climbing wall in the same leisure centre but ultimately they ended up going to the same cafe and I felt SO awkward

I don't get why that's awkward in the least. I've never been to a single soft-play type party that didn't have at least a couple of siblings there too being bought their own food. No awkwardness or anyone thinking anyone's being rude.

So you think 🤭 The host or other parents may have not thought the same. It's fair to agree, you either get it or you don't.

My daughters friends mum was extremely welcoming, invited my husband and son over to try some of the massive cake (the party was largely over and the food was served in main cafe but) and even gave him a party bag as someone else hadn't shown up. As I say we always invite siblings but you never know who feels like op

Including siblings on friend’s parties wasn’t a thing when I was a kid it was unheard of

Fair enough. You are never going to convince me that anyone trying to control access to a public venue is behaving reasonably.

Yes but what is confusing is whether the place you have booked is open to the general public. It is very unclear from your posts whether you have hired the whole venue and therefore it's perfectly reasonable to say no, you have limited numbers, only invited guests, but if it's open to the public to pay on entry then it seems weird to tell another parent they can't bring their child and pay on the day.
All you mention is going off to a private room which could be awkward. This is where is implies that actually you just have a party room booked for the invited children but the rest of the venue is still available. If I turned up having been told I couldn't bring a sibling along only to find it was open for general admission I would be rather bemused at your attempts to police it and find it odd you didn't just say that in your reply 'yes the venue is still open and you are welcome to pay entry and for food, but just to let you know I have booked the party room for the party and due to numbers no siblings can attend this part'.

In my world it’s extremely socially acceptable. We recognise that there are only 2 parents per family, that many families are juggling multiple activities and the little ones can hardly be left at home on their own. For a paid venue it’s usually to happily pay for the sibling, but often especially in winter there ends up being an extra space anyway. The siblings only get party bags if they are available. My two older ones have both had parties in the past couple weeks- there were 2 siblings at the younger ones, 10yo’s was at a pool and there were 4 siblings I think. I brought extra plates and napkins to serve them food, why wouldn’t I? They are all at the same school as mine, they are all either in my younger ones grade or the year above or below, they all see each other usually multiple times on a weekend with the little or the big siblings coming to football and basketball games, plus parties and team get togethers and school events. This is what being in a community feels like.

If you're that fussed about it being invited party guests only you need to be prepared to fork out for exclusive hire. If I'd have been that mum I'd have laughed in your face at you telling me whether or not I could pay for my other child to go to a soft play that's open to the public.

I'm glad you caveat for single parents. I only have one child but I would expect my single parent friend to bring her child's sibling on her weekend as it's the only time the children get to see each other (different dads) and so a bit mean to exclude one and make my friend pay for childcare when the big sister could come along and be a helper

You've paid for exclusive use of the venue then?

I think it’s not so much the issue of someone bringing a sibling, it’s the expectation of them being able to join in, have food and receive a party bag. If the sibling sits with the parent with iPad/colouring etc it shouldn’t have any impact. I would still check with the parent hosting though

It's def CF for anyone to just bring a sibling, I dont think its CF to ask if it's soft play.

Not everyone is in a two parent household, or works 9-5 mon-fri and not everyone has family at their beck and call to look after siblings. 🤷‍♀️

Soft play or parties where there is general public is not a problem. Anyone can take a sibling as long as they buy them food / don’t expect cake or a party bag…which I have never come across.

A private hire venue is rude to turn up with asking first.

A generation ago siblings never came nor did parents. You had to provide sufficient adults to look after all the kids: friends, siblings grandparents etc. Now some adults look upon this as a social occasion too.
I don’t understand why people can’t swap with another parent from a different family. One looks after 2 at the party and one looks after 2 at home. When my grandchildren have had parties, I have seen both parents come and bring all the children.

I think it’s fine at soft play. If it’s a church hall or similar It has only bothered me when people don’t let me know that they’re bringing a sibling. If I have notice I don’t mind preparing an extra party bag etc

@pourmeadrinkpls if you are expecting parents to stay and be responsible for their child even when in the party room you need to say that.
I would not have expected that I'd need to do that, be on the premises in case of problems as their very young, yes, but not go to the party room. I'd have taken my older one with us and paid for him to go and play like every other member of the public there, unless you had specifically said I had to be with my child at all times.

I think it’s poor form unless you have checked with host

most parties were drop off by the age of 5 anyway.

did have one woman who palmed off her older daughter at my ds’s party who was about 9 when he was 4 or 5

I don't disagree that turning up with uninvited siblings is CF territory, but I also think you're a bit of a CF complaining about someone paying for their child to attend the venue separately from the party (assuming they keep them away from the party room/food). You want exclusive use, book exclusive use. I wouldn't expect to be told by you what my other child could or couldn't do on the weekend. I also don't object to people asking if siblings can come, but recognise I may be in the minority.

I also think the poster above who has never held a party for her DC because she CBA to pay for siblings is a bit of a CF too. Lots of people don't hold parties for various reasons (can't afford it etc.) and I've never viewed invites as being necessarily reciprocal, but honestly it's very mean-spirited to enjoy the hospitality of others but fail to host them in return if that, as opposed to a lack of funds, shy child or lack of social confidence, for example, is the reason.

All round, there are as many people who seem to host (or not host) parties in a spirit of entitlement, annoyance and resentment as there are people who exploit the hospitality of others. It's a child's party, not a royal wedding - get over yourselves!

How many times can you say special? You’re over planning this, I’m getting visions of Monica in friends telling everyone to have organised fun - and honestly I feel like if you behave like this in daily interactions you’ll impact your child’s friendships because you sound really hard work. What does it matter if you’re a professional? So am I but I don’t think 4 year olds really care so much what I do for a living when they’re asking me for more water. Kids also (spoiler alert) will likely use each other’s cups, spill some things, someone will have to go to the bathroom when you’re doing something “special”, they may not realise how “special” it is (although, I’m not sure how fabulous the soft play can be given it’s… a soft play… but I’ll take your word that it’s the most special one going), they’ll get a bit hyper after the cake etc. It’s not a wedding, it is supposed to be a fun day for your child.

OP you seem very keen to convince people they’re being CFers. Has it occurred to you what the other parents perceptions of you are? You are clearly cold and unwelcoming to any siblings, and are trying to control whether or not they attend a public soft play. All for the sake of a young child’s party, and I can pretty much guarantee that having the odd sibling tagging along won’t “change the dynamic” because to you they’re “random”. Does having the parents there change the dynamic for you too? I’d hazard a guess that there’s a bit of eye rolling going on behind the scenes over the level of control you’re trying to have here.