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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

224 replies

pourmeadrinkpls · 22/06/2025 08:37

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 22/06/2025 09:55

Mazzika · 22/06/2025 09:49

Paying for siblings' soft play entry and not expecting them to join the party tea or have party bag etc is completely normal here. Not CF because you are not asking anything of the hosts, you're just looking after your own child in the same building. Soft play is not a child free zone. I have once been thought rude when hosting a party for not covering siblings' entry fees - different culture in different year groups.

You lost me completely at "Let's face it, generally the Dad is not the one bringing the kid, or looking after the other one."

Yeah I raised my eyebrow at the Dad comment too. Dads round here often do the party shift.

GreenMeeple · 22/06/2025 09:58

Can't disagree more. Saying can't make it due to childcare comes across as manipulative. Just say sorry X can't make it, giving a reason that's solvable by the recipient is just asking without really asking.

There is nothing wrong with asking and there is nothing wrong with saying sorry no. I never understand why in this country people have such a issue with saying no to simple requests.

stichguru · 22/06/2025 10:00

I think it's absolutely fine to ask provided you don't do it in front of either of the kids. My child is 12. I have only had a parent ask once because she genuinely couldn't fine childcare for the younger child. I was happy she asked rather than just not brought her older son who was one of my best friends at the time.

Courgettezuchinni · 22/06/2025 10:02

Being a CF is a friend turning up with siblings, dumping 3DC without a word, switching off her phone and legging it for 3hrs free childminding! No present or card either (not that attending a party is about a gift). To top it off 2 of their DC had chickenpox spots developing and Dfr didn't mention it until a couple of days later. My DM was at the party and she knew she'd not long finished chemo and so was being very wary.
We are no longer friends and her stupidity/selfishness still rankles.

MissHollysDolly · 22/06/2025 10:05

pourmeadrinkpls · 22/06/2025 09:02

Unless you're a single parent it's not lack of childcare, it's just making it easier for you. Let's face it, generally the Dad is not the one bringing the kid, or looking after the other one.
It changes the dynamic as there's now an unknown older or younger child in the group, and it means you feel guilty so need to do another place setting, need more decorations and a party bag, because let's face it, these CF will expect it.
If you want to be a decent person, you'll say you can't come due to childcare and let the parent offer. Can already spot the CF on here! 🤨

Edited

What about parents who work shifts? Do you have a list of people for whom it’s acceptable to ask?
soft plays are public places. In my experience, people bringing siblings will pay for their other child and not expect they are included in the other child’s party.
with that said, I just used to put something on the invite saying “siblings welcome, but please let us know for numbers” because it’s nice to be inclusive.

Allswellthatendswelll · 22/06/2025 10:07

VelvetWren93 · 22/06/2025 09:49

I don't see the problem - I'm definitely in the minority. I have 3 kids and no family or partner/second parent to watch the kids.

It's it's a village hall type thing, I'll take the one child and then wait to the side or outside with the others but I have to say in my oldest's class they've almost always been welcome. I never let them eat the food or take a party bag

It's it's a soft play place, I'll pay myself for the extra kids and will keep them playing while the birthday party is having food and cake so they don't intrude

If it's somewhere I can't take them (one party was at a trampoline park and they weren't allowed in) then I asked another parent in the class if they'd be willing to take my oldest in and I'd wait in the car

My youngest twins have only been invited to one party so far, but my oldest (7) happily sat with the parents playing on his iPad while his brothers partied

Maybe it's different for me because my oldest was going to parties when the youngest two were literally newborns. I remember taking the twins along to a massive sports hall-bouncy castle party when they were 6 weeks old and not even awake and overhearing another mother (not the party host) tell someone how rude it was that I brought siblings. They couldn't eat, or play, were literally sleeping in their pram or being cuddled by mums and weren't part of the headcount

If it's unclear whether I can "get away with it" I'll always ask. But knowing how hard it is I always make a point of saying on my son's party invites that siblings are welcome.

Honestly, give parents some grace if it's a case of their child misses out entirely. If it doesn't affect the headcount or your cost how is it a problem?

I mean obviously babies in arms should be fine! They are basically an extension of you especially if breastfeeding.

I have a 4 year gap so I'd avoid bringing say a 2 year old to a six year olds party. I think it's bizarre when whole families turn up or it's just because the Dad is a bit crap and can't be trusted to watch one of the kids.
But if it was a solo parent or one parent was working or away I'd have no issue with the odd sibling.

spoonbillstretford · 22/06/2025 10:07

I didn't mind if they asked. When DD1 was at a soft play party I often took DD2 along but paid separately and we sat apart and had our own lunch/drinks.

TheNightingalesStarling · 22/06/2025 10:13

Mumsnet: it takes a village to raise a child
Also Mumsnet: asking for help makes you a CF.

Dilemma4ever · 22/06/2025 10:14

To be fair, I totally understand why people want to bring siblings along… otherwise we’re spending what limited time we have together - the weekend - separately which isn’t a nice feeling. Equally I do see the party host’s perspective too.

Tulipssndturkeys · 22/06/2025 10:15

It’s so rude and all this crap about my husband works or I’m a single parent etc is just excuses…

I managed with 2 special needs children with a shift working husband who was rarely around at the weekend when most kids parties were on.

Fair enough you might not have child care but surely if they are not old enough to drop and go you pair up with another mum and one of you watch Bob and Bertha at the party and the other one take Toby and Tabitha home or to the park for an hour…

Your child care issue is not the party organisers issue.

I think it is beyond cheeky to ask or expect another child to be included that is not invited (even if you offer to pay the costs etc) it’s not for them and older / younger kids alter the dynamics.

if you can’t sort childcare then - gasp - shock - horror - your kid just doesn’t go to that party. It will not kill them .

You just have to organise yourself and your kids and not expect everyone else to cater to you because you can’t be bothered to put a bit of effort in to make things happen,

DinaofCloud9 · 22/06/2025 10:16

DappledThings · 22/06/2025 09:20

We had this just a few weeks ago. I have no problem with siblings coming to any parties I've hosted. It's very much the norm round here. Whenever I've been asked then if it's a soft play then parents pay for the siblings and they play totally separately, never interrupting the meal room.

If it's village hall one then they've never expected to be fed but there's always plenty left over.

I was repeatedly told on the last thread that me not minding hosting siblings in the least makes me the CF and in a bizarre turn of events that doing so means I'm raising my child to be a sex offender.

I suspect this has been exaggerated a lot.

I don't see a problem bringing siblings as long as they don't tuck into the food and expect a party bag. Just running round soft play is fine.

BorninJuly · 22/06/2025 10:18

I do think it's acceptable at soft play if you're just paying for a sibling to use the soft play separate to the party, and don't expect anything like a party bag.
This is actually the way to go if you really don't want siblings as the actual venue might specify when people turn up that extra children need to be paid for and can't go in the "party room."

DappledThings · 22/06/2025 10:19

DinaofCloud9 · 22/06/2025 10:16

I suspect this has been exaggerated a lot.

I don't see a problem bringing siblings as long as they don't tuck into the food and expect a party bag. Just running round soft play is fine.

Show quote history

Knock yourself out, all the batshittery is here. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5350700-aibu-siblings-at-parties?page=1

The one accusing me of raising my child as a sex offender was deleted but some of the aftermath is still there.

AIBU - siblings at parties! | Mumsnet

AIBU to think it's outrageous to bring a sibling to a party and then put them on the table to eat with all the kids that were actually invited. Then t...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5350700-aibu-siblings-at-parties?page=1

Tallyrand · 22/06/2025 10:20

Quote fail

aCatCalledFawkes · 22/06/2025 10:21

I've been a single parent for years. I was more than happy to leave my child at a party and used to check that the parents didn't want me to stay otherwise I was a bit stuck. I used that time to get some 121 time with my other child.
I've never questioned it if people asked me if they could bring siblings, mainly because I knew they had a reason.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 22/06/2025 10:22

It couldn't bother me less tbh. Young kids with a hall party? Easy peasy, a few more crisps and kids on the bouncy castle or whatever. If too late notice, or expensive party bags then maybe not one of them, but cake and crisps for all.

Soft play etc, as long as the parents pay for the child (unless there is a minimum number for the package and that hasn't been met, in which case I'm paying anyway so the space may as well be filled) then again...who am I to do say they can't take their kid to soft play?

If at your home, then a little more challenging, but unless it was going to cause a genuine issue or their kid was awful I'd be ok with it.

There are lots of reasons someone might not have childcare, other parent working etc. Unless you're happy with a drop and run, then the other sibling comes too or neither.

Littlebitoflove1234 · 22/06/2025 10:23

turning up with a sibling without asking if rude, but I don’t see the problem with asking, as
long as your ok with the answer no. And you don’t know what’s going on in a families life to pass judgement why they need to ask. My dd was
invited to a party she really wanted
to go to several weeks after we adopted a 2nd child. I couldn’t drive to the venue and I could not look after the new child on my own as she was extremely rejectful of my care for the first months. We asked if we could bring the sibling, they said yes. We paid for her entry, we bought her separate food, and we didn’t expect a party bag, it didn’t hurt anyone and the birthday girl was happy my dd was there

BiscuitBotherer · 22/06/2025 10:26

Bitzee · 22/06/2025 08:56

CF is turning up with the sibling in tow without having asked.

I’d have no issue whatsoever with a polite request explaining the lack of childcare. If it’s something like a soft play then unless you’ve privately hired the whole place then it’ll be full of random members of the public so a sibling should be a total non issue so long as the parent pays for their entry and the kid has been prepped not to receive a party bag.

Exactly this.

whoami24601 · 22/06/2025 10:35

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 22/06/2025 09:06

I seem to be the only parent in my DD’s class who doesn’t tag my other kid along and it’s so weird. How can it be so normalised to bring ALL your kids to a party? Some of the parents have 5 kids.

I just say we can’t attend. The one time I mentioned it was because I also had my son that day it threw the school chat into disarray. The next party invite was clear that all siblings could also attend but to let them know full numbers so they could cater and provide party bags for all 😮.

It’s one of the main reasons I didn’t do a party for my DD as I’m not paying out for multiple siblings to attend a party I don’t want to invite them to AND provide a party bag for them too.

My DD regularly can’t attend as my DH works a lot of weekends so I usually have DS with me. That’s just how it is and I’m not budging on it being rude to just turn up with my son in tow, so unfortunately she misses out.

I think if this is the way parties are done at your school then you are the weird one, no? Your poor daughter missing out Sad

CherryVanillaPie · 22/06/2025 10:40

Once the kids are old enough to not need a parent with them at parties, do people still drop siblings off? I guess the host child might not be able to invite as many friends as they wanted if they have to account for non invited siblings too.

Pinty · 22/06/2025 10:42

As long as the parent pays for the sibling at soft play or similar open place and doesn't expect them to join the party I don't see the issue because normally soft play is open to anyone during parties anyway.
If they expect the party hosts to pay for extra people and give the sibling a party bag then yes they are being unreasonable

Callisto1 · 22/06/2025 10:47

I don’t understand why a straightforward request for a sibling to attend is such a big issue, but then I’m not British and where I come from we are more blunt.

When the kids were little 4 to 6 we had home parties and a few siblings came when the kids were too young for drop and run. Once 6 we shifted to venue parties and drop and run. In open venues like soft play or trampoline we would occasionally share cake/food with a sibling. It was never expected, but we would always offer unless food came in the annoying food boxes. I think CF territory is if parents drop a non-invited sibling and then run off!

WildJustice · 22/06/2025 11:02

I understand this becomes a problem if you have a load of acquaintances at a party.
If there are just a few actual friends, the children's lives will probably have overlapped with each other's siblings on play dates and other events.

If it is a small group of friends it is kind of the hope that they will be friends all through school and possibly beyond and siblings are always kind of part of or on the periphery of long term friend groups.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 22/06/2025 11:19

@whoami24601 no she isn’t missing out too much on being pushed around by 60 kids who can’t behave properly. She’s not been upset once that she can’t go to a party, as she’s only 5. At that age they really don’t give much of a shit.

Mazzika · 22/06/2025 11:25

That's such a nice take @WildJustice . Reading your post makes me think we've lost something in the spirit of birthday parties.

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