Asking to include a sibling for a kids birthday is being a CF

[pourmeadrinkpls]

Unless stated, asking to bring a sibling is being a complete CF.
You can say, sorry Olivia can't attend as I don't have anyone to watch Raphael, and leave it up to the parent to offer. Even asking is being cheeky as it puts the parent in an awkward position.
Even if the venue is something like softplay, as it's not a family outing for you, it's a party for the child having a birthday. It's rude.
Stop doing it! AIBU?

I’m a single parent and have generally brought my youngest along to parties (mostly in village halls). I’ve always asked the host, they’ve always agreed and seemed very relaxed about it. I don’t expect him to be fed or anything but usually there’s been lots of food and he’s ended up having a bit. In my son’s year most parties have had loads of siblings.

I felt a bit bad asking to start with and don’t if it’s clearly limited numbers but my son has been invited to around 30 parties this year and would hardly have been to any if I’d had to leave his sibling. The alternative would be paying c.£40 for a babysitter which just isn’t realistic.

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind that bringing a sibling to a public soft play would annoy someone because it would affect the ambiance of the party. Though I would decline the invitation if I realised it would be an issue and then steer clear of that parent.

It would be a shame for your child to miss out for lack of asking. The answer may be "no", but I don't understand why some people feel offended by other parents even asking the question.

It will be the same families who struggle for childcare week after week, so if the parents aren't even supposed to ask, their kids may miss out on most school parties when actually the hosts would be happy for siblings to come.

@Psychologymam and @FrankyGoesToBollywood, I have to agree. @pourmeadrinkpls does sound like hard work and unwelcoming. I also think she lacks empathy (who knows what the other mum's situation is regarding childcare etc.) and sees herself as better than others (nice drop in that she's a professional 😂).

Op, you started a 7 page rant about how awful it is to be ASKED if a sibling can attend your child's party and how you're trying to police a public area. If it's a big of an issue as you seem to think, you should have hired exclusively. I also think you're being really inflexible here and actually were very rude to the other mum in your response back. You simply cannot dictate who is or isn't at an open public event. Your child will still have a 'special' birthday - probably more so - because the friend she wanted to invite will be there and not have to miss out celebrating with her due to the no sibling rule. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And, you might be surprised that some siblings will be in attendance, without giving you a polite heads up, as it is open to the general public.

You've got a lot more parties to come, and probably with these same parents; my advice would be to try and not be such a stickler, lighten up a bit and don't put your daughter (and yourself) on the back foot of friendships in the future. I'm sure that mum is already having a laugh at you trying to prevent her daughter being at a publicly an open event and word does get around...

If it's soft play, normally the venue will have a list of attendees, and if the younger sibling isn't on it they will just ask the parents to pay for their entry. If it's a village hall I don't really have a problem with it....

Some interesting comments. My question would also be childcare issues aside (which I doubt in most cases anyway, as my friend found once they knew siblings weren't invited, it was fine), why would you bring another child to a party they're not invited to. I'm guessing many of the posters also despise a child-free wedding, or an evening only invite. Being a parent certainly does open you up to another world of entitlement 😬 Thanks all for your comments, very useful 😀

If it’s a party in a hall and not fixed entertainment then I think it’s ok to ask.

if it’s soft play and/or carries a per head cost then my approach had been (if I have no choice) to bring the sibling and pay for them myself and bring a packed lunch for them. I’d not ask in that scenario as I’d feel like a CF but I would also tell the other parent what I was doing and politely thank them and decline if they offered to cover it.

My Dd had a party at a small venue (limited to 15) and I felt bad as I had to say no to siblings - three people asked! As we were over capacity I could only say a maybe if someone didn’t turn up. it was drop off though so childcare not an issue!

To answer your question, I would only bring a younger sibling to a party if they were specifically invited or it was made clear that this was fine.

I would, however, happily bring along a younger sibling to a public venue where the party was taking place and pay for them separately if I thought it was something they would enjoy, e.g. a farm park party. If we're already travelling a while to get to the party, makes sense to entertain two kids at the same venue and we can spend family time with the kids in the car. We'd normally bring two parents if possible - one to attend with the party child, one to stay with the sibling - but otherwise I'd wave the party child off and ask one of the other mums to keep an eye (which is common amongst parents at my DC's school).

I'd think you were really odd if you took offence to me paying for my own child at a non-exclusive public venue 😂.

Honestly I think you’re being very pedantic. You seem to be stressing about all the wrong things. I’ve always done extra party bags in case one breaks or something spills or gets lost etc.

I always welcomed siblings at my kid’s birthday parties. Sometimes it makes the invited child feel less nervous if their sibling is there. Kids playing with others of different ages is good for development too.

The real CFery is when you get a rsvp for the invited child, no mention about a sibling, then party day comes and the invited child turns up with their multiple siblings AND both parents who see it as a fun afternoon out. That is cheeky!

That's exactly my point! You're using it as an opportunity for a family day out. Thank you, for confirming what I was saying. But also you're not a CF as you would only do it if the sibling was invited and not make it awkward for the host.

It's none of your business if we're having a family day out 🙄. Like, absolutely none of your business.

If we've taken time out of our weekend to wrap a present, transport our child to your child's party and arrange for them to be supervised when we'd probably rather be doing many other things with that weekend time, it is a bloomin' cheek on your part to have any views at all on us optimising our weekend to also spend time together as a family and entertain our other children.

We thank people for attending our children's parties and making their birthdays special for them. Might seem odd to you, I know, but especially where families have more than one child, it can be a real logistical effort for them to attend. It is an effort we and our children are grateful for. We couldn't care less if there are a few siblings somewhere in the woodwork enjoying themselves when it has no real impact on us.

Thanks, you've just proved my point again. It's all about you. You do realise an invitation isn't a summons, right? Anyway, this is exactly what I've been trying to ascertain so thanks for helping with that.

wrong on all counts - I wouldn’t bring a child to a party they weren’t invited to and I actually prefer child free weddings…. But would I roll my eyes if you told me I couldn’t bring my child to a public place because for some reason you would prefer they weren’t there but are apparently fine with lots of other children around? Yes… and probably just not go to your party at all. It’s like if you decide to get married on a beach… you can’t stop others sunbathing beside you. If you wanted something exclusive, you should have hired an exclusive venue. some very nice islands in Italy that offer great privacy if you wanted to consider them for next years special birthday celebrations.

Bloomin' heck, you're self-centered and precious.

My child has turned up at your child's party with a present and hopefully a parent to supervise and who will be happy to help with the party if you need it.

But that's not enough for you, we've also got to ensure that any other children observe a suitable exclusion zone from the birthday activity and don't travel in the same car as them because, even if completely unobserved by the party people, it's not acceptable to you that we should piggyback "family time" onto your child's birthday extravaganza.

I can only assume your DC are quite young because that's not how it works in the real world. Parties aren't that big a thing, except to the children themselves. By the time you've been to 25 whole-class reception parties, you'll realise that what parties are is a delightful PITA. But people take their kids anyway, and part of that is to ensure a good turnout for the birthday child. And as children get older, they expect to see their friends at their parties and are upset if they don't attend. So if your child is close friends with another child, you really put yourself out to make that child's party even if you'd rather stick pins in your arm. And the children themselves talk about parties and are very upset if they can't go. So parents are flexible and work together to make sure kids can attend. Hence messages on the class WhatsApp - "Can anyone keep an eye on Hugo for me at Jack's party? DH is away so I'll be bringing the two younger ones along to play separately." And families having a day out because it's the fourth party that month (for each child!) and they're too burnt out to think up entertainment for the non-invited child. And as a parent, you see the same group of fellow parents over and over again and smile wryly at each other "well, here we are again..."

Would it be fair to think it's actually impossible to have a party if someone is going to bring random siblings anyway? Either it's at a venue that's open to the public or you've hired somewhere (but if you've hired somewhere then that would almost be more difficult as then it's even easier to have as many people as you want). I can only think of places where you can exclusively hire out a party room not a whole venue.

What do you define as a "party"?

I've been to many, and the most important aspects for the kids are cake, presents, party bags and a sufficient number of their friends to run wild with. They don't really care about anything else. If you can ensure those things for them, it's a party.

When they go to primary school, they have "parties" in their classroom which consist of making and decorating a silly paper hat (no treats or anything), but the kids will come out and tell you they had a "party" and it was amazing.

Of course you can have a party. You have 8 pages mostly of people saying it's fine. There is not a litany of ruined kids' parties happening all over the country because parents can't always stretch to childcare on top of giving up their time to bring their child to your party and buying a card and gift. Round here any siblings are kept away from the party room bit and party bags, and it's absolutely fine. Ideally you want a few fewer parents in the party tea bit than children anyway, so it tends to work out.

You're right, it's an invitation not a summons but my children were so delighted by every acceptance they got. You are modelling social interaction to your child. Telling them their friend is not welcome or should have declined because their mummy works at weekends, or because daddy died and mummy doesn't have anyone to watch their 2 year old brother - I'd be embarrassed to be teaching my child these things.

Many people will have a tale of someone's other child expecting a party bag or something but you can plan for that and really over the course of their childhood it's not something to fear or strategise around. Just book the party you think your child will love. The rest is just admin.

why would you bring another child to a party they're not invited to.

As many have already explained, if it's an open venu, you aren't bringing them to a party technically and they're just there to play (separately from the party); you wouldn't expect them to be included in food, or games or party bags etc.

I suppose the real answer to your question is that it's simply more convenient, for all of the reasons pointed out above. And since parents' evenings and weekends are busy enough, I would refuse to deny them of making life that bit simpler and less chaotic by bringing another child along, if it helps for WHATEVER the reason, especially when there's going to be plenty of other children you don't know. I will say it again, but I do think it's shameful that you tried to do this to the other mum.

Would it be fair to think it's actually impossible to have a party if someone is going to bring random siblings anyway?

This is absolutely possible. Book somewhere exclusivly that has maximum number of children allowed and when you send out invites say,
'Unfortunaly, due to limited capacity at the venue, we will be unable to accommodate siblings."

I have a local pretend play town that has a maximum entry and is one of the few parties I've been to where siblings weren't accommodated, due to space.

However, I think it'll pay in the long run if you tried to be more welcoming and less judgemental (in general, probably) to these parents, OP. There will be plenty more parties down the line and they'll be with the same group of adults so it really doesn't make sense to give yourself the label of 'controlling OTT mum' so early on.

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. Can I ask why it is shameful to the other mum? She was perfectly fine, and it will mean mum gets to bond with her youngest, while Dad can spend some time with the eldest. Both siblings get some 1:1 with each parent. Growing up I had a sibling but spent alot of 1:1 with both my parents, so I don't get why people have to insist both siblings do everything together (as I said earlier, childcare constraints aside). In the case of this mum there was no childcare issue, probably that she's the default parent, now her DH will need to do some parenting too. I think I also explained earlier my friend had the same thing last week where parents wanted to bring siblings, but when they were told it was limited spacing it was no issue.

I should also add, my preference would be to do nothing or cake in a playground, except parents go to the extreme here so now I'm organising this very stressful, expensive, limited number party. Ironically I am not an OTT parent, but I have been sucked into this OTT birthday party norm

Everyone did this when I was kid. In those days the parties were usually just at home though. My mum always massively over catered anyway, no one thought anything of it. Now though when events have paid activities and outside catering, its very different.

Agree. Our parties were just our young cousins most of the time, I find the party thing now ridiculous. I actually started another thread about a week ago about asking for no presents as the whole thing seems so OTT and materialistic. The kids don't even care, they just want to play with their friends (which is also why I only want the friends there!). I hate being a parent in 2025!

I agree, parenting in 2025 is a whole different ball game.

Then do that? No one is forcing you to have a lavish party apart from yourself who mentions frequently wanting a 'special' day for your child. Plenty of people I know have just said to meet at the park for a play, they will bring cake. Or as you mention our school allow sweets to be handed out at the end of the day so some children do that and no party (some have brought in stickers or bubbles to hand out as an alternative).
You don't have to be a sheep and follow everyone else. Plenty of people don't have parties for many reasons (against their beliefs, cost, plan a big day out instead).

I still can't believe you are not seeing the reasons for people wanting to bring a sibling along and that you are rude trying to stop people bringing a sibling to a public venue. As others have explained, in reception you will get invited to a lot of parties. That could be taking up several weekends. It's not really fair to always miss out on family time or another sibling not get to do something fun. It is much nicer for them to go along to the same venue, especially if travel is involved.
You are also quite judgemental saying mum will bring the child to the party and dad gets to bond with the other child at home. Dad's do take children to parties too and in our house anyway dad is very hands on so doesn't need a child's party as a reason to engage with the children (maybe this is a reflection of your experience in your home). You are going to come across as odd if you have told parents they cannot bring a sibling to a public venue and the parents will talk about this. Maybe some will even ask you and say they thought you had hired the venue hence not being able to bring their other child and it's a shame you didn't make it clear they could have paid for the other child (especially if other child is having to hang around outside somewhere while they wait for the party to finish - in which case I would be ringing to say bring them along as they can come as the place is open!).

Also to warn you even hiring a private room doesn't mean you will keep out the public. At the soft play near me they used to have a music room (no idea if they still do) and this was an add on for parties. However it was obviously quite appealing for young children who could see the lights and hear the noise and so when I took my daughter there for a party once you did get random children from soft play just wandering in and parents not necessarily being that quick in finding them.

OK so let me put it another way. If you had a party/dinner for 10 or 12 people that you knew well and you chose whi all knew each other, would you not mind if another random person that you had never met joined you as well? Because I know plenty on MN who get very upset of they are meeting a friend and then someone else tags along. Add to the context when you are only 3 or 4 years old, and that a 1/2 year old, or a 6/7 year old, is very out of place. I'm really just curious of peoples thoughts now as opposed to my original question.

But if I was having dinner at a restaurant I wouldn't be able to stop other people booking a table?

If the venue is not suitable for the siblings ages then you say that. You have a very bizarre approach to this! Usually soft play caters for 1-10 year olds, but if your venue doesn't then that's the reason to turn down siblings, not just because you don't want them there.