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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I can’t explain what modesty means to my dd age 21

208 replies

coffeegirl73 · 22/06/2025 00:25

Does modesty exist any more or is it just another outdated misogynistic concept designed to keep women under control. I don’t know but I’m interested what you all think. I was in a catholic school with nuns and learnt a lot about modesty. I can’t explain it to dd though - she just keeps saying but why shouldn’t women bare whatever they want . It’s confusing me

OP posts:
Fatima134 · 25/06/2025 16:33

rowenwren · 25/06/2025 15:49

I don’t know how many people complain about bouncers or get spiked. Do you? Do you have any statistics to back it up? This isn’t about what your religion teaches you. This is about actual facts and well documented crime stats. The fact is violent crimes and sexual assault can happen anywhere, but more commonly occurs in the victims home. And, as per the theme of the thread, it’s also nothing to with how modest they are.

Edited

I was just explaining to PP why I dress modestly and don't wear low cut tops.

Also explained why I don't drink why I steer well clear of nightclubs.

plantsdieinmyhouse · 25/06/2025 19:42

List isn’t a crime!

it makes life so much more fun.

id hate to live in a world without list.

why do t you emigrate to a Muslim country if you hate uk culture so much.

its very arrogant of you to tell us how we should live.

our clubbing culture was/is world leading and something to be proud of.

Fatima134 · 26/06/2025 22:43

plantsdieinmyhouse · 25/06/2025 19:42

List isn’t a crime!

it makes life so much more fun.

id hate to live in a world without list.

why do t you emigrate to a Muslim country if you hate uk culture so much.

its very arrogant of you to tell us how we should live.

our clubbing culture was/is world leading and something to be proud of.

Lists are perfectly fine :)

On lust though - I waited till I was married to DH.

Anyway I feel we've diverted from the topic. I dress modestly and teach my children to do so as well.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2025 00:03

GarlicMile · 22/06/2025 14:50

Perhaps you need to understand (face the fact) that certain sick people (men) will perceive a young woman's very existence as a sexual invitation.

Clothes don't cause rape. Or sexual harassment: in the noughties, I used to pass a secondary school on my way to work. The girls wore their uniform skirts mid-calf length, not rolled up. The racket from men in cars was deafening. Every single morning. Men on foot would hassle them.

The first attempted rape I experienced was at age 12, in regulation uniform complete with 'school knickers'. Come to think of it, that might be why I never did buy into the fallacy that predators respect staid clothing.

I understand perfectly well. I was abused by my father and my brother.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2025 00:05

That notwithstanding, certain individuals do perceive certain styles of clothing as an invitation. To pretend otherwise is foolish.

GarlicMile · 27/06/2025 02:05

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2025 00:05

That notwithstanding, certain individuals do perceive certain styles of clothing as an invitation. To pretend otherwise is foolish.

I understand what you're saying. But, look, can clothing actually be an invitation to rape?

It can't, can it, because that would imply some women want to be raped and are, literally, asking for it. If they were weird enough to want to be raped, they could just ask around; no reason why they'd need to dress in a certain manner.

Everybody knows women in skimpy clothes are not asking to be raped.. Rapists know it. They don't really perceive styles of clothing as invitations!

Some of them say they do. They're lying. Rapists rape out of violent sexual entitlement, hatred, a variety of unpleasant motives which all come down to misogyny. They talk of women "asking for it" because rapists have learned this is a good way to blame their victims for their crimes. Misogynists make women responsible for every uncomfortable feeling they have, every unpleasant thing that happens to them and every nasty thing they do.

Misogynists who "perceive certain styles of clothing as an invitation" are lying. They know the clothes aren't an invitation to assault. The clothes might well be an invitation to look, and perhaps to flirt.

With apologies for seeming objectification, it's a bit like, say, advertising a job or goods for sale. You want people to be attracted, interested, to talk to you about it. Doesn't mean everyone who fancies it has a right to it. Displaying cakes on the bakery counter doesn't mean "help yourself". If anybody tries to claim they thought it did, they're lying. Obviously.

Coatsoff42 · 27/06/2025 08:00

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2025 00:05

That notwithstanding, certain individuals do perceive certain styles of clothing as an invitation. To pretend otherwise is foolish.

Woman’s hour yesterday had an interview with a strict Jewish lady called yehudis fletcher who was sexually abused within a community foster family when she was younger. I doubt she was dressed provocatively in that environment. Some men are just rapists of vulnerable women.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2025 09:04

No of course it isn’t an invitation to normal people! Some individuals are sickos who convince themselves it is, though @GarlicMile

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