Not to want my young adult son having sex in my house

[SunnyBlueLurker]

In my house?

New build. Thin walls.

His girlfriend is lovely (24), and he’s 23, but she has a lot of responsibilities. Last night I heard him say to her that he didn’t have anything on him (context must’ve meant condoms). And she said she didn’t either, both had a little laugh about it.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

I have been exact in repeating what I heard to see if anyone other parents here would also find quite upsetting/strange and uncomfortable to hear.

AIBU not to want him having sex in my house? Or do I just blatantly make a lot of noise if I can hear them, or knock and say keep it down? Don’t think I’d have it in me to knock!

I cannot say this isn’t partly fuelled by the fact that I’m so worried he’s going to get her pregnant. What a disaster.

What do you think?

His dad sadly passed when he was younger so no other parent to ask about what they think.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

Honestly I would he so disappointed if any man close to me spoke to a woman he barely knew like this. I know they were childhood friends but they’ve only been back in contact for the last few weeks. So they’re more or less strangers.

No marriage, no commitment, no real means of supporting her and he’s acting casual about getting her pregnant. It’s hardly likely to turn out very well for her if they do, so while she should have more respect for herself - assuming this wasn’t just a joke and they did use protection - he should have more respect for her and himself too.

Women aren’t breeders that you should try and get pregnant on a whim or have a careless attitude towards it. Ugh.

It won’t be his body and his life that is impacted to the same extent, especially given she has one kid already.

They're both being utterly irresponsible.

Op can't you just buy an industrial amount of protection.

Yes uncomfortable but make sure he's not without

Oh come off it, my mum had four kids by the time she was 24, my sister had my niece when she was 20. 24 is an adult.

That makes sense to me, Holluschickie.

Nothing wrong with having a kid at 24 but there is something wrong with having a child in this situation at any age.

And while being divorced with a child at 24, doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, I wouldn’t advise a 24 year old to become a stepfather or stepmother either. It’s not an ideal situation.

There’s various complications that come along with it and it would be easier to just start his own family. Especially at that age.

Just read the stepparent board!

He said ‘I love seeing you as a mum’

But they have been together 5 weeks and has been to her house once when the child wasnt there?

after five weeks yes

IMO, it sounds like he has a pregnancy fetish rather than seriously wanting to be a dad. They may be using protection, it may just be fantasy.

Is this his first GF?

I”d have a conversation with him while you are in the car or cooking tea or similar so not sitting across the table from him. Say you’ve been thinking about some ground rules about him conducting relationships while living in your home. One of mine is that no one stays overnight until they have been dating for at least 6 months and I have met them several times. Think about what you’re comfortable with.

Then I’d say that you also expect sex in the house to be conducted quietly and with contraception. Obviously the latter is up to him but he sounds like he needs a reminder of the implications of unprotected sex. Ask if he really wants to risk a child with someone he hardly knows and be bound to that person for life. Remind him that 50 percent of pregnancies are still accidents and he is responsible for his own fertility. He should not be relying on his partner. So he needs to get himself down to the supermarket sharpish and get some condoms.

Your home. You can have whatever rules you like.

I'm really baffled by the number of people who are of the opinion that the 23 year old son has some kind of God given right to have sex in his mother's house and where she had to listen to it, no less! Whilst it's very normal for adult offspring to live at home nowadays, if they choose to avail of their parents' accommodation there absolutely can be a 'my house, my rules' approach from parents if that's how they feel.

OP has every right to say to her son she doesn't want him taking partners into his bedroom let alone having sex under her roof. Of course he may then find ways to do it on the sly but then it becomes a case of what you don't know won't hurt you. Unless of course, he gets her pregnant, but again baffled by the number of people who think a parent can't have a contraception chat with what is clearly a very immature 23 year old who is happily chancing bringing a baby into a home that he is essentially a lodger at (don't come for me for that comment, I just mean in the sense that he doesn't own the home. I won't even change my mind if it turns out he's paying rent).

Wild. None of this would have flown with my parents at that age.

All the said, if OP (who is clearly unhappy with the current situation) doesn't have the minerals to broach it with her son, nothing will change.

This doesn’t add up how can he love seeing her as a mum if he has never met her children thus seeing her mother them?? 🤔

Exactly. The GF understandably doesn’t want him to meet her DC when they’ve only been together for 5 weeks, so how has he witnessed enough of her “being a mum” to know he loves it?

That’s one option. Let’s hope there’s not a child appearing in the interim.

And oh - the OP has to listen to it in the meantime with a disrespectful DS.

We’re all different. In my house with these dynamics - nope.

And living at home?

I’m with you 100%. Get your own place . No way I want to listen to my kids having sex!

She has been married and got a child already

They have been together FIVE WEEKS and he lives at home

My children aren't having sex in my house. At least certainly not while I'm present.

He is well into adulthood. Why don't you want him to have a sex life?

Of course it’s appropriate!

Remind him that decent men take an exactly 50/50 share of all the shitwork involved in having a family, including shopping, cleaning, getting up with the baby/toddler, thinking ahead to what will need to happen next day/week/month/year.

And that men who don't do that are effectively exploiting and abusing the women they are in relationships with.

If he's still up for unprotected sex - have at it, man.

I wouldn’t mind if you couldn’t hear and were non the wiser. But you can. So I would put on music loudly every time you can hear. And hopefully they get the message. If they don’t then you need to speak to him

Been seeing each other for 5 weeks, she’s 24 and has a child already to someone else - and they’re having unprotected sex and he’s saying “I don’t mind if this makes a baby”. Jesus Christ he needs his head testing!

if she's 'sensibly' decided that 5 weeks is far too short a time to introduce him to her DC, surely it's also far too short to 'accidentally' conceive a little sibling for them?

do you think this is the first sexual relationship your son has had? have you ever discussed safer sex? do you think either of them has ever been tested for STIs? even if they were happy to have unprotected sex/ end up with a baby, it would be sensible to get tested first.

bonus points: most sexual health clinics (and GP surgeries) give out condoms for free - no need to spend money on them!

Oh come off it, my mum had four kids by the time she was 24, my sister had my niece when she was 20. 24 is an adult.

24 is extremely young to have a child these days.
My son is 32 and married but it's only been in the past year that any of his similarly aged friends and colleagues have had children.
I think the average age for a first -time mother in the UK is 30.