Not to want my young adult son having sex in my house

[SunnyBlueLurker]

In my house?

New build. Thin walls.

His girlfriend is lovely (24), and he’s 23, but she has a lot of responsibilities. Last night I heard him say to her that he didn’t have anything on him (context must’ve meant condoms). And she said she didn’t either, both had a little laugh about it.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

I have been exact in repeating what I heard to see if anyone other parents here would also find quite upsetting/strange and uncomfortable to hear.

AIBU not to want him having sex in my house? Or do I just blatantly make a lot of noise if I can hear them, or knock and say keep it down? Don’t think I’d have it in me to knock!

I cannot say this isn’t partly fuelled by the fact that I’m so worried he’s going to get her pregnant. What a disaster.

What do you think?

His dad sadly passed when he was younger so no other parent to ask about what they think.

Ugh. Hopefully, anyone mature enough to have sex would be mature enough to know that other people don’t want to know the moment that it’s happening!

I’d tell him you don’t want him and his girlfriend having sex while anyone else is in the house.

What is it that’s really bothering the most? That you can hear them or that he may end up fathering a child with a woman he barely knows and that he can probably not financially support?

If it’s the noise, be careful how you approach this. If you can hear him, he can hear you if you bring someone home. You’re going to sound hypocritical if you complain about the noise to him. If it’s the fatherhood issue, you can drop hints that you don’t think it’s a good idea to be having children when you don’t even have a place of your own. But ultimately they will do what they want to do. If they want to have sex, and if they want to make babies, that will happen either in your home, or at a Travelodge, or at her place, or wherever. Nothing you can do about that.

If he lives there and pay board then you can't really dictate what he does with his genitals behind his closed door. He's a grown man.

If his gf is staying over too frequently you can maybe have a word about that but you can't ban him for doing sexy time in his mid 20s?!

Unless you can hear them but even then just tell them to be quiet.

Lol at this. Lots of places are too expensive for young people to live on their own. We are in Greater London. Between commuting expenses and low start up wages very few young adults can move out. The only ones I know who've done it generally did because they have horrible relationships with their parents.

My elder DD stayed home after uni until she was 26 and finally got a mortgage (with the help of the bank of M&D). Similarly, younger child lived at home between uni and 27 when she moved in with her BF.

I didn't police their sex lives though. At some point you have to trust that you brought them up right.

I don't charge my kids rent or board in this housing market.
In return, no partners.

A room in my old street is £550 a month plus bills if you want a double it’s £650. Definitely not any luxury flats for the £950 my sibling pays.

When we rented our first house in 2009 a 2 bed with garage was £495.

It doesn’t have to be strong words as previous poster commented but a chat about possible out comes isn’t unreasonable

Who says they should live by themselves? He can flat share like most young people used to do. I did and so did practically all my friends from after uni and until late twenties when people coupled up and could afford (tiny) flats just for two.

living by yourself with other similar age young people is a great learning experience and lots of fun. Makes you lots more independent. And everyone’s having sex so no one cares about hearing each other.

Living at home at that age is awkward and this sex situation is likely just one aspect of the awkwardness.

I would catch your son on his own and tell him that the walls are paper thin in the house and therefore you can hear any 'activities' going on in his bedroom! Point out that you're sure he wouldn't want to hear you having sex next door, no more than you want to hear him, so pleased keep the noise down. Oh and by the way I don't wish to be a grandmother yet!!! Leave it at that and walk away. I lived in a lower ground floor flat, and our neighbour had the top floor, the property was once a house. We could hear the couple in the upper floor flat having loud sex, there was zero sound proofing. I caught her in the shared back garden hanging out her washing and said to her 'not sure you are aware but we can hear everything in our flat, and I mean EVERYTHING', she looked mortified and went bright red, but after that we didn't hear them! Sometimes, you have to be honest.

Yes I get that prices have risen more than income. But if he can pay rent at home surely that’s equivalent to rent for a room in a flat share in a similar area?

At 24? Don't be ridiculous

Five weeks?! So she’s being sensible not introducing her (VERY) new boyfriend to her son, but if she did get pregnant then what?!

I would be 100% say something. It is way too soon and he is not in the position to take risks

That’s lovely.

I had my first at 24.

Nope. Stay out of it. It’s entirely their business if they feel ready to be parents whether or not you think they are too young. I would not have appreciated a ´don’t get pregnant talk’ from my mum at 23 or 24. It’s not the same as 15 or 16 or even 18 or 19.

I'm cringing thinking of them saying and doing all this , not being aware the mum is privy to it.

I guess it's your house, so in theory of you don't want them shagging under your roof , they can find a place of their own.

Id probably just say something like "jack... The walls in here are paper thin you know..." And leave it at that. He'll know what you mean. I'd leave a pack of condoms in his drawer too and tell him. Should suffice

I'd be having a very frank talk with your son.

First, the walls are thin and you were able to hear him talking about a baby and having sex.

Second, if he becomes a father, he's going to be living independently. That means he will have to move out and support himself and pay his share of maintenance. He should be doing that anyway before talking about getting his gf pregnant. He's got to be able to adult before he has a family to care for.

Does he pull his weight in the home? Does he work full time and bring in enough to support a family?

Where do you want them to shag in a field?

It’ll be her business when he expects to stay in her house with the baby

24 divorced already with a child. At best she’s having a rebound, at worst he’s going to be a dad to someone else’s kid

You sound a lot older now than OP’s son, look at flat prices a child is safe to be brought up in then get back to me.

Leave him a pack of condoms on his bedside cabinet with a note next to them saying: “Big Mother hears everything”. He may never have sex again, in any location.

What do you mean a child I safe to be brought up in? The OP’s son has no child. His GF has a child and has her own place. He can move in w her or take a flatshare surely?

They both sound extremely immature. What kind of person( and I include several posters on here as well as the son) thinks it's remotely ok for a 23 year old man, still living with his mother, who clearly doesn't earn enough to have his own place, to even consider becoming a father? It's absolute madness and totally irresponsible.

No child should be brought into the world without the parents having the means to provide for it.

He needs to concentrate on earning enough to move out asap, not making babies.
OP is perfectly within her rights to discuss this with her son as he lives in her house.

I'm just so glad my own children went away to university and after that rented their own places so they could live their own lives and have sex without me hearing it. When my son was a teenager I told him straight I never wanted to hear him having sex with his girlfriend, once I did and I told him so, never heard them again. I think if your son lives with you in your house, however old he is, it's perfectly reasonable to tell him you don't want to know about his sex life. I'd be telling him it's time to get his own place, even a house share like loads of people his age do. It might help him actually grow up.

FFS, butt out of your son's sex life. Sounds like you were listening at the door, because otherwise you wouldn't have heard what you heard with such clarity. Makes my skin crawl.

I'd only allow it if I wasn't in the house at the time.