Not to want my young adult son having sex in my house

[SunnyBlueLurker]

In my house?

New build. Thin walls.

His girlfriend is lovely (24), and he’s 23, but she has a lot of responsibilities. Last night I heard him say to her that he didn’t have anything on him (context must’ve meant condoms). And she said she didn’t either, both had a little laugh about it.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

I have been exact in repeating what I heard to see if anyone other parents here would also find quite upsetting/strange and uncomfortable to hear.

AIBU not to want him having sex in my house? Or do I just blatantly make a lot of noise if I can hear them, or knock and say keep it down? Don’t think I’d have it in me to knock!

I cannot say this isn’t partly fuelled by the fact that I’m so worried he’s going to get her pregnant. What a disaster.

What do you think?

His dad sadly passed when he was younger so no other parent to ask about what they think.

IS IT YOU!!!! 😲

I guess it is your house your rules, so if you absolutely won’t have it, then you need to make it clear where you stand.

Personally, I would not care less if my young adult children have sex in my house. Well, I would draw the line at one night stands, so I’m not without boundaries- but within a relationship (even a relatively new one), I’m ok with it. They are adults in a relationship, they are most likely going to be having sex- it’s normal and nothing taboo or to be ashamed about. Most of us have sex, it’s not dirty or something to hide (though equally not something you need to scream from the rooftops or be performative about). My older teen daughter almost certainly has sex with her boyfriend in our house and I have no issue. They are in a relationship and have been for a while, he treats her well and is always polite and pleasant when he’s here. We haven’t heard them, that said. She is on contraception and they have condoms. I’d rather they were somewhere safe and comfortable, given they’ll find ways to do it if they want to. She’s a consenting young adult- why on earth would I interfere in what she does with her body, as long as she is consenting, safe and acting of her own volition?

If you ban it on your house, I think you have to accept they will have sex anyway. if they can’t do it at your home and she’s (possibly sensibly) decided not to have him stay over yet- assume they have not been going out for a long time, given this- they’ll just find other ways/places which may be less sensible etc. yes, he’s an adult so his problem and all that but given you are worried about him getting her pregnant, I think you would be worried about that too.

i also think you risk pushing them further together faster. Again, not your problem- except that you are worried about them getting too serious too quickly already. Maybe this will spur him on to move out, possibly closer to her. If you are happy enough with that, then there is no issue.

In your shoes, I think I might make a point of reminding him about the walls being thin, and if he is still oblivious I would be quite blunt. Most people would make sure it doesn’t happen again after that. I would not ban it, unless it makes you really uncomfortable- in which case, whilst I don’t really understand it, then you would be within your rights to ask him not to have sex in your home.

No I agree

Wouldn't be happening in my house either.
Work hard, move out if you want a sex life.
My sons have younger sisters, and my house is not a shag pad.
Not a chance I would tolerate this.
She is foolish.
I wouldn't hesitate to spell out what I heard, how clear it was, and how unimpressed I am.
He needs to move out if he wants to have a fling with her.
He sounds hugely immature to be talking about babies after weeks🙄.

Speak plainly to him.
Do not beat around the bush.

Yes! You’d tell a house mate that you didn’t want to hear it. I’d speak to them both. It’ll be more cringy for them than you!

Have young adult sons living at home, they pay rent, so wouldn't ban sex in our house (fortunately we can't hear anything). However, I would tell them if I overheard that comment (and our feelings about it) and if our walls were paperthin. We are OK with gfs staying over, but have said not casual hook ups (not worded quite like that) - don't think mine would do that anyway.

I'd be worried about this.... 5 weeks is too soon to think of having kids with someone.
A person at 15/16 is not the same as at 22/24/whatever. She could very well be the nutter in the previous relationship. You only have her side of the story. My abusive ex goes around telling people I was the baddie!
Whatever your son's age, you can have a word with him. Wouldn't you do it for a friend your own age?

The pair of them are a nightmare.

• she is married/ separated with child and victim of DA by age 24. She needs to work on herself not another baby with someone who she’s been dating 5 weeks
• she is comfortable being in your house for a booty call within 5 weeks. That’s quite disrespectful in my book
• the walls being paper thin is not new news to DS. He has no respect and carries on regardless
• he is idiot enough to think getting someone pregnant after 5 weeks is a sensible move

You 💯 need to spell it out to him/them.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable. It is your home, and you have every right to set boundaries especially when it comes to something as intimate and consequential as sex happening under your roof.

I am going to be honest: I do not think sex before marriage is right especially not when there is this level of casualness around something that can literally change lives. What you overheard (the joking about not having protection, and then him saying he wouldn't mind if it “makes that happen”) that would have upset me too.

That is not just immature. It is reckless. Especially considering she already has big responsibilities and a pregnancy would turn both their lives upside down.
Thin walls or not, they should have more respect for where they are and who is nearby. I would absolutely talk to him. It does not have to be a big confrontation.

Just something like, “Look, I overheard a bit last night, and I want to be clear. This is my home and I am not comfortable with you having sex here.” You do not need to justify it beyond that. You are the parent, it is your space and it is okay to say no.

Not unreasonable this is the reason you move out when you’re an adult. Very disrespectful to be noisy too. And unprotected? He must be crazy but if it wasn’t on full volume in your house you wouldn’t know. Time for him to move out

If OP says this, it will just make her son more inclined to see her. Bar the talk about using protection, it’s best to just let it fizzle out naturally

I just pointed out to my son that his bedroom floor creaks horribly and it's above the sitting room. Never Heard a sound in the six years that they've been visiting.

The contraception is a bigger worry.

This is perfect.

The fact that he’s making ‘mum’ comments to her and giggling about not having any condoms shows how juvenile he is.

A flat that is ready to be moved into with a baby and not needing lots of work on it, and not on an estate where drug deals go down.

I thought 'young adult son' I thought 16 or 17. He's a grown ass adult. He can sort himself out for accommodation if he's offended by mum saying 'keep the noise down and don't get her pregnant, you don't need drama in your life'

Two issues here, one about protection and one about sleeping over, not sure if your rule of no sex is moral (religious) or thin wall based. Ultimately it’s your decision re sleeping over as it’s your house. It doesn’t bother me personally if my sons’ (steady) gf’s stay over but we have thicker walls.

But why should the OP’s son need this now? I’m confused. He doesn’t have a child!!?

Your poor kids, I couldn’t ever picture NOT allowing my children to bring their partners home. One night stands, strict no.

But someone who they love and are in a relationship with? Queue your posts in 10 years time where you’re asking why you don’t have a relationship with your children.

I told my kids to bring their partner here versus having sex in a risky place. Neither have yet - still time - but I'd rather they are safe.

Ref unprotected sex... oh def have a word.

I’d certainly give the safe sex chat, and the consent chat. I did when my son got his first gf at 18. I don’t object to him having sex in his own bedroom, and have always allowed his gf to stay over in his room, but her family insist on him staying in the same room (which is fine, and he respects that), even though they are moving in together after uni next month after being together almost 3yrs. I also told him I didn’t want to hear them having sex (said it in a jokey way) and I haven’t. She is a lovely girl. I do hope they wait at least another 5yrs for kids, as they are just starting out with graduate jobs. I had my eldest in my teens and know how hard it is raising babies when you’re young.

So has one child- that her mum watches over - whilst she nips over to your house to try and conceive the next one? Very classy.

Yes your CHiLD. Key word here is child. Teenagers, sure, of course!
a 23 year old adult? He needs to sort himself out.
fir the record when I was that age my boyfriend lived at home at the start of my relationship and we did stay at his occasionally, his family was Indian and Muslim and yet allowed it, but we were very respectful, we only ever had sex blankets on the floor as the bed creaked and very very quietly. Basically knew it wasn’t on for someone else to hear it. Not loudly monkeying around. Nobody wants to hear that!

OP, have you brought men home to have sex with? If not, you are within your rights to ask your son not to bring his sex life home.

“Sex blankets”

👀

Not entirely sure why you’re talking about that. The OP stated she didn’t allow her children to bring their partners back to her house. I made NO reference about the whole sex situation.