Not to want my young adult son having sex in my house

[SunnyBlueLurker]

In my house?

New build. Thin walls.

His girlfriend is lovely (24), and he’s 23, but she has a lot of responsibilities. Last night I heard him say to her that he didn’t have anything on him (context must’ve meant condoms). And she said she didn’t either, both had a little laugh about it.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

I have been exact in repeating what I heard to see if anyone other parents here would also find quite upsetting/strange and uncomfortable to hear.

AIBU not to want him having sex in my house? Or do I just blatantly make a lot of noise if I can hear them, or knock and say keep it down? Don’t think I’d have it in me to knock!

I cannot say this isn’t partly fuelled by the fact that I’m so worried he’s going to get her pregnant. What a disaster.

What do you think?

His dad sadly passed when he was younger so no other parent to ask about what they think.

It depends on how close you are to your son - I'm close to my kids - and am likely to say I can hear you - you know

If I were less - in your face - I would by condoms and put them in his room with a note 'I can hear the walls are thin' - and hoped he picked up the hint.

At the same time if it is his home too- and I didn't want to hear - I would make sure I was out of the house a bit to let him have his freedom.

Suggest you and him go to Starbucks and have a conversation like this in the car.

"Love, I know you're an adult now and it's not my place to control you even if I stood a chance in doing it! Are you aware how paper thin these walls are? I don't want you to be embrassed, but honestly I already am! I can hear you and girlfriend talking in your room. I can hear other things too. And I bloody wish I couldn't! You need privacy. Maybe you could put on music when you're in your room?

You're going to make your own choices, of course you are, but after what I heard the other night, I'm concerned about you becoming a father in the near future. If you're making that choice and you're making it with your eyes wide open I have nothing further to say. This is your life, and your choice. If you want to talk to me, want to discuss anything, want advice from me, I'm here. You can talk to me about absolutely anything. Now, shall we get cake as well as coffee? "

And put a box of condoms in the bathroom cabinet

It would be really weird to ban your adult son from having sex in your house (especially if he pays digs).
If his girlfriend becomes pregnant, that’s on them! It’s not like you’re dealing with 16 year olds. And banning them likely wouldn’t change the outcome anyway. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. Do I think they’re being daft and irresponsible? Yes. But banning them from having sex is not the answer.

If this is the case then they have no reason to be having sex in your house! Say she can’t sleep over - he can go there, she must have childcare arranged when she’s at yours.

Why is he still living at home at 23?
if you live in a modest size home w thin walls, and he needs to stay at home for whatever reason, he needs to stop having loud and disrespectful sex in the house.

and him not using a condom is terrible! Beyond making his Gf pregnant there STDs to think of. I’d have a serious conversation w him.

I wouldn't think it ideal as 24 is quite young to have a child and also be on your own so possibly the relationship was either it very strong or non existent. It seems early to be getting into another relationship if her child is nursery age. The son could end up keeping her and two children if she gets pregnant. He may not have thought this through.

Id be more concerned about the getting her pregnant jokes.

I think you need to talk to him about not creating children he can't provide for. Whilst he lives at home and is in a relationship I dont think its unreasonable hes having sex although I do think he should be more discreet but he shouldnt be having unprotected sex and making babies when he doesnt have his own place.

I'd say now was a good time to move out too.

Three different things...

1. Should you allow sex in your house? I'd say it's silly to oppose it, but it's your house so of course you can. But then you have to say that out loud.
2. Should you let him know you can hear everything? Yes, but that's not on its own a good reason to disallow sex because it implies that you just want them to do it quietly. And, again, you have to say that out loud.
3. Do you have any right to get into the unprotected sex thing? Well, you do - because you heard the conversation, and you'll have to admit that - but he also has a right to tell you to mind your own business.

I agree with others he is too old to be having sex with gf under your roof. If you had a big house and you didn't hear a thing, maybe, but to be able to hear this level of detail in their conversation and in their rumpy-pumpy time is really not on.

Why is nobody questioning a 23 year old still living at home..??
he needs to get his own place

I mean at their age me and DP had 2 kids… neither of them were conceived at my parents house tho. I’m way too scared to have sex in my mums or my in laws. I think the insinuation you heard them shagging should be enough to put him off that part.

If you want to put him off having kids, let him know how much they cost and show him some of the threads on here about blended family horror stories. Also, my DP had to spend his 20th birthday holding my hair back while I was horrifically sick while all his mates enjoyed his party… there’s pros to being young parents, that’s why we chose to do it - but it’s not something to enter into casually. The same with blended families.

Because it’s not 2010 anymore and rents are stupid our neighbours house in a voted shit city is 1.4k a month. The house we left a shit hurt wooden box went to £900’a month. When we left. My siblings 2 bed flat is £950 a month.

When it's just you and him around tell him he probably doesn't realise how much sound travels in new build houses and he might want to play some background music when him and his GF are alone together. Also, maybe invest in some noise cancelling headphones or earbuds.

Yet they are happy if she gets pregnant by him?

You should have joined in the conversation in a reasonably low voice. "Better start saving for a new place to stay if you're going to have a baby."

I think your son is being disrespectful to you. Basically hooking up with an ex for a couple of hours at your expense isn’t really on. Are they dating?

if they are dating and having a wide range of interests and varied activities and this was a one off then maybe ok (except the bit about ttc) but if it is just the regular her mum looks after the son and she pops over for a quickie then no that is not on IMHO.

She probably has zero intention and hopefully
took the morning after if she technically isn’t on a long term contraception. She’s self confidence building after a divorce.

Keeps his mind in the thrill of the action tho.

Because

1. op wasn't asking whether her 23 yr old should live at home and

2. it's not uncommon for people of that age to still live with their parents these days

👏🏻

Yeah. Easy. Why doesn't he do that? Why are so many young people still living with their parents? They should get their own place - problem solved. Piece of cake. I mean, it's not like there's any shortage of affordable rented accommodation. It's not as if you need thousands as a deposit and upfront rent. It's not as if every landlord requires a credible guarantor, which are of course easy to come by.

It's all so simple. Why's no one questioning that?

Just yell "you'll have to be married before the baby arrives!"

Oh god no, no one wants to hear their kids shagging, any more than kids would want to hear their parents at it. I would be horrified

Keep condoms in the bathroom cupboard and remind him to use them quietly!

I get that, but surely if he had a full time job he can rent somewhere super cheap and make it on his own? When I was 23 I was living in a dodgy part of London in a flat share with 4 other people. Just paid rent for my room. Had a boyfriend too who stayed over most the time and because this was a flat share w other young people this was fine. This was in 2005. Taught me to take care of myself and not take things for granted. Also, I had a blast and would do it all again if I could, the shitty job and weird times too.

nobody needs a two bed luxury flat to themselves at 23. Going back in time people had even less at that age. So fed up w people acting as if this generation of young people are somehow so much worse if than we were. They have higher expectations is what it is.