Not to want my young adult son having sex in my house

[SunnyBlueLurker]

In my house?

New build. Thin walls.

His girlfriend is lovely (24), and he’s 23, but she has a lot of responsibilities. Last night I heard him say to her that he didn’t have anything on him (context must’ve meant condoms). And she said she didn’t either, both had a little laugh about it.

Heard him say to her ‘I love seeing you as a mum. I don’t mind if this makes that happen’ and off they went on their jolly jiggles! I was mortified. Mortified! As I say, paper thin walls and I was in the middle of texting a friend.

I have been exact in repeating what I heard to see if anyone other parents here would also find quite upsetting/strange and uncomfortable to hear.

AIBU not to want him having sex in my house? Or do I just blatantly make a lot of noise if I can hear them, or knock and say keep it down? Don’t think I’d have it in me to knock!

I cannot say this isn’t partly fuelled by the fact that I’m so worried he’s going to get her pregnant. What a disaster.

What do you think?

His dad sadly passed when he was younger so no other parent to ask about what they think.

I think it is whatever you are comfortable with, it’s your house. Having written that, do you have men stay over, if so, maybe that puts a different light on the situation.

if it was me, l would mention l can hear everything, which will probably solve the problem

l would also make it clear, that the house isn’t set up for a baby, and where does he intend living if his girlfriend becomes pregnant.

if you say nothing, he might just assume that mum will be happy with everyone moving in…..

This reminds me of the scenes in AJLT where Miranda has to put up with her son's loud sex to be a " cool" mum.
You don't need to be that cool if you don"t want to be, OP.

Well I think you do in this situation. Five weeks into the relationship, she already has a child……….

He wants to impregnate her 5 weeks into their relationship? Yikes.

And?

I think at this point I would be getting a dog and going on lots of walks!
But also having the very important conversation about protection!!

I hate to be the person bringing down another women but I’m going to do it.

Are you a wealthy family op? As in if she had an oops baby with your son would that help her?

If the answer is no then she’s just silly in “love” if the answer is yes then I’d make sure to proceed carefully and fill up a condom bowl.

My parents didn’t let me have sex in their house and I was fine with it. I don’t think I’d enforce that for my children but if I heard anything, I’d def. mention it.

Given that you could even hear their conversation, I’d be frank and say that’s how much the sound travels in your house, OP. You can literally hear everything.

DH and I make sure that ours don't hear anything, they’re 20 and 16, they’d be mortified. 😂

Disregarding all the other issues, I don't think that is a red flag! She's an adult and has a child, what is wrong with that?

I do agree to there. I was done having children by 24 with my husband. Same father to all my children aswell.

If the genders were reversed, this would definitely be considered a gigantic red flag on here.

Does he really want to be a father, can he financially support them? He needs to start thinking with his brain. As his parent its a really good idea to start dinning into his head that he needs to be responsible.

As for her, she also needs to give her head a wobble unless she wants to be on MN in the not too distant future about being up the duff with an unsupportive partner....

She is the one with more money.

She got divorced a year ago. Got married at 19 but I hear her husband was emotionally abusive from DS

He's not a teenager, but a young adult, so I reckon the ship has probably sailed on the safe sex talk.

You do need to tell him you can hear him having sex in your house, though. It's not really reasonable to expect him not to have sex where he lives when he's 23 and in a relationship, but it is totally reasonable not to expect to hear it. I'm sure he'd be really embarrassed to think that you could hear it too.

She is on a rebound. It probably won’t last long term with your son.

Your more restrained than me. I would have walked straight in the bedroom after hearing that and asked the wtf they were thinking.

Hopefully mortifying them enough to wise up.

But since this is after the fact. If you can't speak tot hem face to face then Id send them a text explaining what you heard and going forward it would be best if his gf didn't stay over

I would say I’m not ready to be a grandmother yet and ask him directly what precautions is he AND she taking. If he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to talk about contraception. I’d have some condoms and you’re not sure he’s using any or you hear conversations like the one you described, I’d knock on the door and in my best Mrs Overall style put them on the bedside cabinet and say I had a a few spare and thought you might find them useful. (I might add that I found the ribbed ones particularly effective so highly recommend or something along those lines) then I’d leave them to it. (and wet myself laughing).

It’s still fine to be reminded. I honestly wonder if he’s maybe hoping to be a dad, especially if he’s bonded with her child which I hope he hasn’t as she’s just got divorced.

It's appropriate regardless of age of he's daft enough to be having unprotected sex when he's not in a position to support a child. They need to be living together and both on board, rather than just wanting that in the heat of the moment. He needs a realistic understanding of what a baby would entail, and more life awareness if he's not realising he can be heard through paper thin walls. I'd be having that conversation with him even if he was 43 and still lived under my roof.

It's his home too at the end of the day...if you're allowing his partner round they're obviously going to be having sex.

That doesn't mean you should be subject to it though. If you can stand the cringe, just pull him up and tell him that you can hear everything that goes on in his room when she's there, and that he's not to do the no-pants-dance while you're home. Otherwise maybe leave him a note?

I'd be more concerned with his attitude towards contraception. Would you let him have a child in the house if it came to that? If not, you should be honest with him about having to find his own place if he became a father, and how difficult that would be with a newborn and a blended family.

You could mention to him that the walls are very thin and he might want to play a bit of music for privacy. Not too loud. Just loud enough.

The fact he may be getting off to the fantasy of impregnating her is probably something you should try very hard to forget and just keep your fingers crossed he starts playing some Barry white of an evening.

Either that or buy a bag full of condoms and chuck them on his bed

I agree with this and we are not the only ones! It’s just not spoken about on here as much! We did take our two on a holiday and one of them brought a bf, and one bought a friend. but we made sure the accommodation was appropriate and somewhat separate. And they were in an established relationship.

Op has a right to feel comfortable in their own home as well! The home that they pay for and clean.

I would leave the gf out of this and have a strong conversation with your ds about responsibility and appropriate behaviour op.

If he can’t take responsibility for planning ahead and buying a packet of condoms then he is not old enough to be having sex basically, leaving aside the question of where! Take him through what happens in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. Talk to him about abortion and what a woman goes through emotionally and physically. Ask him who is going to bring up this (hopefully) fantasy baby and where all three of them are going to live?

And if he is not mature enough to have a serious conversation with you about this, or understand that responsibility goes hand in hand with rights, then he is not mature enough to be having sex. If he pleads embarrassment, tell him that you were not exactly comfortable hearing the bed springs bounce the other night and listening to the pair of them laughing about bringing an unplanned child in to the world.

Op this is your home. Of course your son has a right to privacy and respect but it works both ways.. And he forfeits all rights when acting like an irresponsible inconsiderate, idiot! Sorry, I know you love him, but you have rights in this scenario too. Especially when you would be heavily involved in “holding the baby” in the event your son’s gf did get pregnant. You didn’t want to overhear, but now you have, you can’t just sit back and absolve yourself from all parenting responsibilities. You shouldn’t have to involve yourself with the sex life of a 23 year old but youngsters this age are more immature because of the pandemic, and because we have molly-coddled them frankly! Besides which, he involved you by choosing to have sex in your home where you live too!

I’d give him a big box of condoms and ask him to put some music on to drown out the sex sounds!

But if you’re really uncomfortable with them having sex in your house then you’ll just have to tell him not to.

Where is her child when she's at your house? Is someone staying at her house to provide childcare or does she visit your son when the child is with it's father?

Sounds like as another poster says. His the rebound. This isn’t serious. This a chap she feels safe with while she rebuilds her confidence with.

Sad for your son in that sense. But I wouldn’t worry too much as this relationship lasting long.

His what my friend calls a maintenance man. She has no desire to marry or have a long term relationship she wants sex and keeps her Children well away from him, once she feels they are too close she removes from her life. The baby comment may well of been that step that ends them shortly.