DS accused of assault

[Distraught2025]

Please be gentle as I am in pieces. Basically I was informed by school yesterday they are investigating a serious assault against a Y7 boy. DS was alleged to have been involved, DS admits he was there but denied it was him that assaulted the boy and named another boy. In the meeting DS came across as sullen and shifty which the school have pointed out doesn't help his case. The victim isn't sure who attacked him.

Without going into details, I am beyond horrified and I feel for the victim. I am 95% sure DS isn't capable of this, he is not a cruel boy but I could imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Why didn't DS tell me at the time? Could be be capable of this? Am I deluding myself? I spent ages pleading with DS to just tell the truth, asking if he was scared, saying I will stand by him whatever but he denies, denies, denies.

I desperately want to support him but can see he is not telling me everything. Police and being expelled have been mentioned
The school are continuing their investigation, meanwhile I am in bits fearing for his future. I can barely look at DS but how can I support him?
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Really? Really? How about the small matter of consent?

I used to do kickboxing, obviously I knew I was going to get kicked in a fight. That did not mean if I was minding my own business at work and a colleague kung fu kicked me I’d be ok with it. Or a stranger in the street!

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Thirded. It doesn’t matter if you’re not guilty, it’s extremely unwise to speak to the police, or sign anything, without representation.

Also, they may be putting more pressure on your son with threats of the police and exclusion because they don’t in fact think he’s a troublemaker, and will thus be more likely to ‘break’.

he might not have done it, but if he didn’t stop it then legally it amounts to the same thing.

I'm not a lawyer, but that sounds unlikely. If I saw a group of men fighting or assaulting someone I wouldn't get physically involved or even try verbally to get them to stop as I'd feel the risk of serious injury (to me) was too high. I don't see how that would make me culpable.

It's not odd if you have an ounce of imagination. They could have surrounded him, maybe he doesnt know their faces and being scared they all looked similar, maybe he was confused, or they attacked him from the back and he didnt see. Not hard to imagine.

My son was accused of something when he was a bit older than your boy. He’s now in his mid thirties. The victim made a statement to police which was supported by some of her friends who were present. My son denied it, was interviewed by police and didn’t come over well (mostly grunts). I didn’t believe him and was angry and ashamed. The victim then retracted her statement and so did the other young people. I still didn’t believe him. I could barely look at him for weeks.
Many years later my son and I have discussed this and I’m now aware through other information that the incident didn’t happen at all. Me disbelieving him then really made him withdraw from me for a long time. It was a bad time.
It’s a horrible situation to be in as a mum and every situation is different. If I had my time again, I’d try to be more neutral in the situation while obviously clearly condemning any violence.

I think you need to get your son legal advice.

While I wouldn't condone violence, I do think you need to think about reprocussions if he gets the blame.

The victim doesnt know who attacked him - them legally your son is innocent unless there's evidence to the contrary.

You need to explain how serious this is and get him a lawyer so you know what you're dealing with and I wouldn't speak to the school or the police until id done that

DH and I together and separately have talked to DS at length because we want him to tell us everything. I don't want to disbelieve my son but I can see how it would be easier for him to lie to reduce his involvement, and then double down on this lie. We have repeatedly asked him to tell us everything but then are left trying to decide if we believe him. I understand that the incident happened a few weeks ago and that DS name was only mentioned yesterday at school. We have not disclosed to DS our punishment for him because we want him to keep talking at the moment as he is our only witness to what happened.

Bodily based trauma is pretty difficult to shift. You can talk about it to the cows come home but still have a reflex reaction when the body is triggered. What seems to work best is a kind of eye movement therapy called EMDR.

I have two adopted children, adults now, whose nervous systems are completely messed up because of the fear they experienced as infants. It is incredibly difficult to shift.

Very true. He's asthmatic, and when he couldn't get his breath or get to his inhaler because of all the boys piled on him, he really freaked out. He was so frightened he pissed himself.🙁

you are clearly minimising this and your son IS a bully. Jumping with other boys on another boy who ends up injured to the point the police are involved is pretty dam serious.

you obviously think your child can do no wrong - 'oh a bit of rough play sweetie' No it really isn't.

You're handling this well imo OP. You don't have the full story yet so it's very wise not to go in heavy at this stage. Speaking from experience thats the worst thing you can do right now.

Hope you get to the bottom of it soon, for all your sakes.

Such a difficult situation. I’d definitely explain to DS about Mob Mentality and how it works, and encourage him to always think for himself, and to be a leader that others want to follow, and not a follower.

I’d also express how transparency and honesty are important, because we all make mistakes and bad decisions, but the important things is to be honest and transparent about them, because not doing so, will always make things worse. It sounds like he just got caught up in what was happening, but you can always ask him about it again, and watch his body language and if it seems off, you can inform him that there are ways to tell that someone isn’t being honest, etc. You may learn more about what truly happened! Good luck!!

Finally someone sensible responding.

The incident happened a few weeks ago and DS name was only mentioned yesterday by school. That sounds odd to me. An incident serious enough for police involvement would be investigated as a matter of urgency. Do you have more background to explain the delay, OP?

Your son must know which boys were involved, so therefore he needs to give those names to the school or tell you. If he knows who assaulted this young lad, then again, he needs to be honest and tell you. He admits to bundling on top of this young lad with other boys, so he was involved on some level. So no, he may not have assaulted the other lad, but he's not completely innocent either. For his own sake, he needs to be honest with you, because if the police are/do become involved, it potentially could become a criminal investigation, and as your son is over the age of 10, he can be charged. It's serious, and your son needs to understand that. It's not a movie or a video game, it's real life with real life consequences. I'd be tempted to seek legal advice, and take your son to see a solicitor - it might be the fright he needs to be honest with you.

If he’s not telling you everything he’s clearly involved, hard to be “gentle” with parents like you saying my sons not a cruel boy yet you minimise kids piling on top of another, the other boy was clearly injured badly due to this. You need to get a grip and stop minimising the seriousness of that.

I really hope the other boy is okay and your “shifty” DS comes clean. sounds like a load of nasty aggressive bullies.

It wouldn't and I'm not a lawyer either but there was a case near me where a young lad got stabbed to death there were two boys of the same age were arrested for it and they were both charged with murder in court it was established that only one carried out the stabbing but the other boy was accused of being involved as he didn't do anything to stop.It or get help and helped in arranging the fight etc,
The boy who stabbed the victim was found guilty of murder and the other boy was found guilty of manslaughter
Obviously this,was an extreme case ,but the Ops son could potentially have been involved even if he didn't physically attack the victim.

You not actually sorry your just sorry your being called out on the fact that you have minimised a serious assault on another child.

I think if he’s admitted being there, joining in with the first part of what ever went on ‘as a joke’ you can probably assume that he was involved to a fairly substantial extent.
Ive worked in a school and have children of my own and if they are admitting some parts there is a good chance that they are more involved then they are willing to admit in the light of day.
Whilst their brains aren’t fully cooked at this age they do understand the difference between right and wrong and I would be so disappointed that my child not only participated to some extent but didn’t stand up for what was right.
I think you need to sit down and explain calmly what the consequences may be for him if he chooses not to co operate. Look into other schools so that you have an idea of a plan going forward should the worst happen.
Hope the victim is ok and that the culprits are found and dealt with appropriately. Here Y7 is the first year of secondary school, children are finding their feet and it’s a big year full of change, my son is the same age and if he was physically assaulted to the point expulsion of the culprits is in the table I would be applauding the school for taking it seriously.

Serious assault to the level the police are involved does not mean nothing. Another child has been seriously hurt and one way or another her son was involved and could face charges. Now this is being investigated by the police it will make things worse if the OP launches her own unofficial investigation. If her DS is being uncharacteristically shifty and sullen he is clearly hiding something either because he was involved or perhaps out of some misplaced loyalty to the people who were or from fear of the people who were. All the OP can do is explain that this is out of her hands now, that she knows he is hiding something and by doing so he is making things worse for himself, and that whatever happens she still loves him. I would also be explaining obstruction and joint enterprise - it may well be DS honestly believes that whatever his part in the incident was does not amount to any kind of responsibility on his part. But he was there and did nothing which has legal consequences. I’m not sure the reasoning behind why the victim was assaulted is relevant tbh.

The pile on has probably left this child claustrophobic for life, hopefully at the very least least all the children involved will be removed from the school so the victim doesn’t have to see them.

Agree with velmy.

Also 2boys is quite right there is a legal concept of joint enterprise so even if you weren’t the main instigator but were there and minimally involved you can be found guilty of a crime. We are lawyers and have told our teens at the hint of trouble just leave fast. Not only for their physical safety but to avoid getting caught up in anything like this.

A party went wrong dd left immediately the police arrived and gave the same advice. The next party that went wrong in a murder was committed one boy was found guilty of murder two others of manslaughter. Thankfully Dd wasn’t there. Maybe the same case 2boys is talking about. So sad.

The difference there is that boy two was aware that boy one intended to commit a crime, and knowingly planned with and joined him. Being present when a crime is committed when you have no foreknowledge (or there is no evidence of you knowing in advance) is a different matter.

Similarly, outside of specific circumstances, you aren’t compelled to intervene if someone is committing a crime, or indeed compelled to report it.