Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS accused of assault

213 replies

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 14:53

Please be gentle as I am in pieces. Basically I was informed by school yesterday they are investigating a serious assault against a Y7 boy. DS was alleged to have been involved, DS admits he was there but denied it was him that assaulted the boy and named another boy. In the meeting DS came across as sullen and shifty which the school have pointed out doesn't help his case. The victim isn't sure who attacked him.

Without going into details, I am beyond horrified and I feel for the victim. I am 95% sure DS isn't capable of this, he is not a cruel boy but I could imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Why didn't DS tell me at the time? Could be be capable of this? Am I deluding myself? I spent ages pleading with DS to just tell the truth, asking if he was scared, saying I will stand by him whatever but he denies, denies, denies.

I desperately want to support him but can see he is not telling me everything. Police and being expelled have been mentioned
The school are continuing their investigation, meanwhile I am in bits fearing for his future. I can barely look at DS but how can I support him?
Posted in Aibu for traffic

OP posts:
Letsbe · 21/06/2025 15:27

I represented a lot of young men in criminal proceedings. It was hard to believe many of them had done what tjey had done. Bravado fear peer pressure sometimes led to them ruining someone elses life and their own.

Sit him down listen carefully and ask him to tell you exactly what happened. Listen catefully and you will get clues as to whether he is tellinh you the whole truth. Be curious but not accusing. Why did x say that? What did you do then ? Why do you think this happened?

Original poster
Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:28

I promise I am not minimising what has happened, I am furious and not the behavior I expect of my son. But he is 12 and will engage with rough housing and messing about. He is no angel but he is not a bully. He tells me he gets on well with the victim normally (only met in Year 7 so I don't know the boy or his family or I would be tempted to go round and try to get to the bottom of what happened.) The victim has been fine with my son since this happened. I am so so sorry for those of you who have experienced violence or bullying perpetrated against your children

OP posts:
MargotTenenbaumscoat · 21/06/2025 15:30

Is anyone else being accused and threatened with exclusion/police or only your ds? If so why? What was different about your ds part to others?

MargotTenenbaumscoat · 21/06/2025 15:32

Btw. I absolutely feel for you. What a horrible place to be in. You want to believe your son but also want to know the truth. It’s horrible to think that our dc could be capable of hurting others.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/06/2025 15:33

To go straight to police involvement and permanent exclusion is really unusual. That’s not rough housing and messing about territory.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 21/06/2025 15:33

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

Well he wasn't just a passive bystander then, he was actively involved in a cowardly group attack. He may think it was just a joke but evidently neither the school nor the victim do, and neither should you. You seem to be doing your utmost to kid yourself that your child is a little angel at heart who maybe got a little bit carried away. That's not what's going on here and you are not doing him any favours with your attitude. This is an opportunity to deal with a tendency towards bullying and violence. Or, you can keep playing the naïve parent and let him carry on until some poor kid ends up getting badly hurt and your little angel ends up serious trouble.

ThriveIn2025 · 21/06/2025 15:35

Did it happen at school? The cctv at my kid’s school covers every area except toilet / changing room. Why doesn’t that show the culprit?

If my son had piled into a big group on top of another I’d be raging angry and he’d be terrified. What was with his attitude in the interview and why isn't he telling you who was responsible?

Zone2NorthLondon · 21/06/2025 15:37

I say this from experience, the nicest boys with nice stable families do get physical and do assault other pupils
You (obviously) experience and view your son through prism of being his mum. He responds and behaves in that role. You don’t directly know or see what he’s like in a peer group or a charged situation. You know he piled on whatever that was.
In school, he’s got another role and will behave in another way. In such situations a group has its own dynamic and people don’t behave as they would individually
I am simply saying this need further sensitive exploration and he’s probably not telling you the actual story

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/06/2025 15:38

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

We started with him denying involvement. Now he was part of a group pile-on on one child. Has he only just admitted that to you since your original post or did you know this information and decide to miss it out?

Zone2NorthLondon · 21/06/2025 15:42

I will say you know he piled in,you need to address his behaviour and participation in this event
He needs to understand it was more that a pile on. The term in itself is minimising
Address his behaviour, discuss actions and consequences. Before it becomes a consistent behavioural trait

JLou08 · 21/06/2025 15:42

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

That sounds more like bullying to me. I don't believe he piled on this boy for a 'joke'. What's funny about piling on someone?

Praying4Peace · 21/06/2025 15:42

Sending you love and strength OP

MrsGrowl · 21/06/2025 15:46

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

I guarantee that poor kid didn’t find the ‘joke’ funny.
Kids piling on top of him isn’t funny. If adults piled on top of you how would you feel? scared, claustrophobic, in pain, humiliated & squashed I imagine.

rainbowunicorn · 21/06/2025 15:50

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:28

I promise I am not minimising what has happened, I am furious and not the behavior I expect of my son. But he is 12 and will engage with rough housing and messing about. He is no angel but he is not a bully. He tells me he gets on well with the victim normally (only met in Year 7 so I don't know the boy or his family or I would be tempted to go round and try to get to the bottom of what happened.) The victim has been fine with my son since this happened. I am so so sorry for those of you who have experienced violence or bullying perpetrated against your children

Edited

Yes, you are minimising. Do you think the victim felt is was just a bIt of rough housing and messing about? Do you have any idea what the impact of having several people piling on top of you and being frightened feels like?
You sound exactly like a parent of a child at my sons school. According to her it was never him, always someone else, he just happened to be there, it was everyone else that got carried away never her son. It was just a joke, a bit of banter etc. Said child is now an adult and after several arrests during his teen years for various things he is now doing a stretch for GBH. Guess what his mother is saying, yes that's right it wasn't him, he just happened to be there.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 15:50

SilviaSnuffleBum · 21/06/2025 15:21

Failing to see how multiple children piling on top of another child is a fucking 'joke'.
Don't fall into the trap of minimising the incident/your son's involvement.

they do it all the time 🙄. More boys than girls for some reasons, but at that age, I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow.

In itself, it's a complete non-issue. How did that go from a normal "pile-up" to an assault with the police involved is what I'd want to know. That's not even half the story, it can't be.

lifeonmars100 · 21/06/2025 15:51

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

I doubt the frightened and humiliated child who had the other kids piled on top of them found this funny

zanahoria · 21/06/2025 15:53

You need to keep emphasising that this has gone beyond the normal schoolboy stuff. If the police are getting involved then he needs his parents on his side and you can only be fully supportive if you know the absolute truth however unpalatable that may be.

FuckityFux · 21/06/2025 15:54

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:28

I promise I am not minimising what has happened, I am furious and not the behavior I expect of my son. But he is 12 and will engage with rough housing and messing about. He is no angel but he is not a bully. He tells me he gets on well with the victim normally (only met in Year 7 so I don't know the boy or his family or I would be tempted to go round and try to get to the bottom of what happened.) The victim has been fine with my son since this happened. I am so so sorry for those of you who have experienced violence or bullying perpetrated against your children

Edited

Stop being ridiculous. You are clearly minimising this.

But he is 12 and will engage with rough housing and messing about. He is no angel but he is not a bully.

You fondly call it rough housing, I call it assault. Funnily enough, so does the legal system. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Legal definition: Assault is generally defined as an intentional act by one person that creates a reasonable apprehension in another of imminent harmful or offensive contact. Physical injury is not required for an act to constitute assault; the key elements are the intent to cause apprehension and the victim’s reasonable belief that such contact is imminent.

Battery is the physical impact of assault.

Your son is 12 and can be dealt with by the courts as a juvenile offender.

You need to take this bloody seriously!!!

Pricelessadvice · 21/06/2025 15:54

So he wasn’t just there watching passively, was he? He actively joined in piling on top of this poor child.

It sounds like all those involved in the ‘pile on’ were to blame.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 15:55

MrsGrowl · 21/06/2025 15:46

I guarantee that poor kid didn’t find the ‘joke’ funny.
Kids piling on top of him isn’t funny. If adults piled on top of you how would you feel? scared, claustrophobic, in pain, humiliated & squashed I imagine.

Show quote history

whatever you do, do not sign up your kids for any kind of team sports, ever.

RareMaker · 21/06/2025 15:55

On the flip side I've caught year 7 boys doing and saying things that their parents have no idea about and deny their darlings wouldn't do that until it's proved

VIOLETPUGH · 21/06/2025 15:57

I think its irrelevant if your son attacked this poor child or didn't, he was clearly involved and your more likely to get the truth if you let him know you are just as disappointed with him, which in all honesty you should be.

Zone2NorthLondon · 21/06/2025 15:58

So long as you minimise this and deflect responsibility, so will your son

Letsbe · 21/06/2025 16:00

Distraught2025 · 21/06/2025 15:16

Thank you so much for your replies. I missed from my OP that DS is also 12 and Year 7. He was there and admits to piling on top of the child as a joke, so it sounds like messing around. Someone (else in DS story) took it too far after DS and the other kids fell off. No weapons involved

Edited

How would you feel if your son was the one with the kids ha ing the joke on top of him. You can help your son but allowing your own distress to rose tint what has happened will not help him.

The school seem to view it very seriously and you say the police may be involved. If the police do interview him make sure he has a solicitor andhe tells them exactly what has happened.

Bertielong3 · 21/06/2025 16:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request