DS accused of assault

[Distraught2025]

Please be gentle as I am in pieces. Basically I was informed by school yesterday they are investigating a serious assault against a Y7 boy. DS was alleged to have been involved, DS admits he was there but denied it was him that assaulted the boy and named another boy. In the meeting DS came across as sullen and shifty which the school have pointed out doesn't help his case. The victim isn't sure who attacked him.

Without going into details, I am beyond horrified and I feel for the victim. I am 95% sure DS isn't capable of this, he is not a cruel boy but I could imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Why didn't DS tell me at the time? Could be be capable of this? Am I deluding myself? I spent ages pleading with DS to just tell the truth, asking if he was scared, saying I will stand by him whatever but he denies, denies, denies.

I desperately want to support him but can see he is not telling me everything. Police and being expelled have been mentioned
The school are continuing their investigation, meanwhile I am in bits fearing for his future. I can barely look at DS but how can I support him?
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I know , it must be terrifying, lots of people piled on top of you, hard to breathe. Absolutely not funny.

'Roughhousing' happens, it always has and it always will. Boys (and girls) will fight. Acknowledging the fact doesn't mean that you're minimizing it or writing it of as 'boys will be boys'.

Nobody is going to treat a 'pile on' at school as an assault without some very serious context behind it. Police don't get called for playground fights unless something serious has happened.

From what OP has said, after the pile on, something else did happened which is being referred to as a serious assault and that's what the school are trying to get the bottom of.

We're all just speculating here, but it's possible that the boy knows exactly who 'assaulted' him and doesn't want to grass. If he was on the floor after the pile on and someone has kicked, punched or jumped on him causing an injury, it's also possible that he's being truthful about not knowing their identity.

OP's son has identified who was responsible - he's either telling the truth or throwing someone under the bus. But unless everyone points the same finger, there's CCTV or someone admits it, with a bunch of kids telling different stories you're never going to get to the bottom of it.

Unless this child has suffered serious harm - which it sounds like they haven't - I doubt the police will be interested. The school will likely suspend them all and draw a line under it.

I can see how difficult this situation is for you @Distraught2025.

The best thing you can do atm is to let your son know that the best thing to do is tell the truth so you and everyone else can actually fix it.

Op I went through A bit of a rough period with one of my DS, the shiftiness etc. On the first occasion it was because he knew who was involved but didn't want to say in case he was targeted (fair enough), the other time it was because the school, and me to a degree, handled the first incident so badly - similar threats of exclusion, me being very dramatic about his life being ruined etc - he was completely paranoid the same thing would happen again.

He ended up admitting to something he didnt even do (was proved he had no involvement) "to just make everyone stop and it to go away".

I guess my point is don't overreact until you know what you're dealing with. Posting here for advice probably won't help with that tbh.

In a large secondary school kids do not all know each other - the OP hasn't said if they're the same year?

Get a grip there is absolutely no comparison, sport involves a team spirit and technics to ensure no one gets hurt aggressively.
No more minimising this OP.
Young men mess fight daily in school with their mate's, this was a serious incident that will involve the police, no comparison.

I'm sad for the poor lad who is probably traumatised now.

At school, there may be CCTV. It’s possible it was filmed by another pupil and it’s also highly likely another pupil will tell the truth and name the attacker. Clearly tell your son this. Be prepared that the police may be involved and things could escalate. If your son knows who did it, he should be willing to tell you. And the very fact he let a year 7 be attacked makes him a bully and also guilty. Be prepared for some tough punishment ahead. Stand by him, but make it very clear this is wrong on every level. Let’s hope the victim is ok.

If the attack was mob handed, but one person struck/stabbed another while several others looked on, then all could be classed as guilty of the crime.

It's not a case of 'I was just an innocent bystander' If he was present and part of a group that did it then they'll punish all of them.

All the more so if the victim says they don't know which one it was. Presuming it's because there were several of them?

So even if he didn't actually touch the victim he could still be in trouble.

You need to get him calmed down and in a receptive frame of mind, and get him to be totally honest with you about what exactly happened.

Only when you know what has happened can you take the next step. There may be some serious repercussions for him, and it's best to face up to them sooner rather than later, then you may be faced with the less serious option later.

On a more positive note I would say that many young men end up facing this situation at some point, and IMO (having been through similar situation) that a big shock like this early on can help something more serious and damaging happening when they are older.

You can still support your DS even though you are hugely disappointed and upset, but honesty, genuine remorse and acknowledgment of stupidity need to be a part of the process.

When I was a teenager all the boys behaved like this, well most of them, with their friends. They all did ‘bundles’ and played rough, so I can totally see why you think it’s normal, OP I sort of would too (I don’t have teenagers) because that’s what i was used to seeing and haven’t been inside a high school since I left, so I think people having a go at you for feeling like it’s normal are being a bit harsh.

That being said, clearly things are not okay and someone has been hurt. It’s a serious allegation. You seem to think your son is hiding something which isn’t good. You need to keep talking to him, telling him that not confessing means he could be in more serious trouble - but calmly, make sure he feels he can trust you to be fair, firm but fair, and supportive. Was the boy hurt someone who was being bullied? Was this a set up? How many other children were involved? Why have none of them come forward with the name of the person who supposedly ‘took things too far’? He needs to cooperate, his reputation and future is at risk here, whether he did or didn’t do it, this ain’t going to go away. This is a HUGE intrusion, but could you ask to look through his phone? Messages? Videos? The truth will likely be there.

You need to make it clear to him that this sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable. As I said, I get it, I do, but clearly I am wrong too because this has happened and there is an outcry on here about it, so you need to discuss with him his behaviour going forward. He cannot engage in this and he needs to speak up. I have little ones and I am on them all the time about how it’s not just about behaving well, it’s about speaking up when we see bad things.

Also, I’d get legal advice.

Good luck, I feel for you.

The OP may not know though.

I remember being piled on once, when about 16. It was by friends and everyone did it to everyone else in the group and everyone laughed but I still remember feeling terrified the time it happened to me, and I never joined in on others. It's dark, you can't breath and you have a huge weight on top of you. I'm saying all that not only to describe it but also to say it can happen within a friendship group and not as bullying. We don't know what this is.
What on earth happened by the person who ' got carried away' as you described it, for it now to be an assault. Of course it's possible victim doesn't know who as depending what was done they may all still have been on top while it was happening. It is very distressing to think of it and I hope the child is OK. But what happened him OP? Id hope someone saw something. CCYV may not be useful in this scenario as the others could have blocked the assault without realising, which is a good reason not to be involved.

If I were you I would make it clear to your son he needs to tell the truth, this is his last chance to tell the truth. Explain that the police will get to the bottom of it one way or another and you can only help him if he tells you exactly what happened and who is responsible. If it’s him and he tells you now, you can help him, but if you find out later it is him and he has lied it will be much worse because not only will he face the legal consequences, you will impose sanctions.

Basically give him the opportunity to tell the truth and face minimal consequences - by minimal I mean he will only be punished by the police/school, and you can move on at home and he will not face further punishment from you. This worked with my DN when he was in trouble with school. Cracked within seconds.

This is a HUGE intrusion, but could you ask to look through his phone? Messages? Videos? The truth will likely be there

I don't think it's a huge intrusion at all. The advice now is to regularly to checks on your child's phone and make sure they're aware you will do this. Good idea too, to check it.

If they've ambushed the other child as a target, they'll surely all be seen as involved.

He admits to piling on top of the child as a joke.
This sounds like bullshit, something horrific has happened to another child and not only does your son know exactly what happened but is refusing to tell you and is trying to get away with.. I thought it was just a game and the boy liked it.. It’s what they all say.
I would not be telling my son I’d stand by him regardless, he should be in his room.. No phone, no iPad, no anything. He needs to understand that he needs to help fix whatever has happened to another child because it’s clearly something horrific before the police turn up at your door.

At that age “piling on” was an extremely common thing for the boys to engage in for fun. They did it all the time.

It is possible that your son was doing this for fun. It is also possible that this was not something the victim was enjoying. Someone, then escalated this (kicked him? Held him down? Something extra…) and this may have been your son.

The fact that he seems cagey and not telling the whole truth, is I assume why you felt the need to ask for help.

I would do as others have suggested and keep reminding him that you can’t help unless you know the whole truth. He should think about what will happen to him if he continues to behave in an anti-social manner. He should apologise if he has done something wrong and you will find a way forward.

Sorry you're going through this. If you are still not sure exactly what happened, I'd focus on this before any talk of consequences etc which might make him clam up further. I'd get him to go through it in detail by asking neutral questions e.g who was standing where when it started, what was said beforehand, what was said in response, who moved first, who was next to him in pile on, what he could see of what was happening to the victim, how the pile on ended, when he got up, when victim got up, who was standing where at this point etc etc It's then easier to spot inconsistencies but I wouldn't point these out until he's got to the end. And I would be VERY firm about him doing his very best to recount it all if he wants your support - no vagueness, no I can't remembers. Hopefully you'll then have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

It's insane to me that the OP thinks that 'roughhousing' is ok.

What that word actually means is 'violence where you don't leave incriminating marks'.

OP, you seriously believe that children who are 'roughhoused' are A-OK with it? Have you literally not read a book or seen a film about school that was produced in the last 60-odd years?

We need to teach boys that hurting people is toxic and morally wrong - whether physical or psychological. Because it is.

He really needs to start opening up and saying who because otherwise hes hping to get enthralled in joint enterprise. I've seen/heard of lots of people being sent down for just merely eat himg or recording/organising and for not expelling en reporting it!. You need a solicitor if its a bad assualt

Is it? I didn’t know this, as o say I’m not there yet. I think it will be on his phone if he has one - video or threats from the perpetrator or possibly evidence that he is the perpetrator. His WhatsApp will show it all

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions even those that are hard to read. I have talked further to DS and urged him to tell me everything. I have expressed my massive disappointment in him for taking part in the pile on, it is only the 2nd one he has been involved in (2 too many I know) and talked at length about the risk of injury and how it must feel to be at the bottom of one. I have pointed out that because he was involved in this, he is now in the vicinity when the assault took place, so has brought this accusation on himself. No CCTV or filming which may or may not have helped prove his innocence because of where it happened. I check his phone regularly and checked it again yesterday when this came to light. He and others told the perpetrator to stop. I have also expressed my disappointment that he didn't report or tell me about the assault which he witnessed. I will be punishing him for being involved in the pile on.

The pile on at DS’s school years ago broke the kids ribs. Can be very serious if you’re the one under it.

Hardly anyone thinks their loved ones are capable of heinous things - just watch any true crime documentary and you'll hear that said. Teenage boys' frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet, they sometimes do things without really being able to think through the consequences. It's very possible your son did it but it sounds like you are doing the right things until you know for sure.

You sound like you’re doing all you can OP. How do you feel now given your update, do you believe him? I hope it’s the truth. How stressful for you.

Yes there's quite a few limits that are advised now and that's one of them. It's not a sneaky check but a quick scan through every now and then, just so they know you're keeping a good eye and you care about online behaviour. Unfortunately, it's said now that children need more supervision online and less in real life. Smartphones really aren't built for children.
Sorry to derail OP. I don't think he hasn't told OP what's happened, just that she's not shared it here as yet. You've surely been told what the action was if he's accused of assault.