DS accused of assault

[Distraught2025]

Please be gentle as I am in pieces. Basically I was informed by school yesterday they are investigating a serious assault against a Y7 boy. DS was alleged to have been involved, DS admits he was there but denied it was him that assaulted the boy and named another boy. In the meeting DS came across as sullen and shifty which the school have pointed out doesn't help his case. The victim isn't sure who attacked him.

Without going into details, I am beyond horrified and I feel for the victim. I am 95% sure DS isn't capable of this, he is not a cruel boy but I could imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Why didn't DS tell me at the time? Could be be capable of this? Am I deluding myself? I spent ages pleading with DS to just tell the truth, asking if he was scared, saying I will stand by him whatever but he denies, denies, denies.

I desperately want to support him but can see he is not telling me everything. Police and being expelled have been mentioned
The school are continuing their investigation, meanwhile I am in bits fearing for his future. I can barely look at DS but how can I support him?
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SOME young men fight. By no means is it a given as your post suggests.

Feck off with those bullshit ‘boys will be boys’ type comments.

Plenty of grown adults have zero interest in and have never bothered playing team sports inc. my DH.

On the other hand, I’d wager that the majority of thugs in prison also enjoyed playing ‘team sports’ and never grew out of their love for bashing up other people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

For God's sake. Look up implied consent defence and stop being facetious.

OP I'm sorry to say your son sounds like a surly bully.

So the whole group including your son assaulted the victim by trying to crush him, then one or more of them assaulted him further? Sounds pretty serious, and not at all like a joke.

But he is 12 and will engage with rough housing and messing about

that’s your problem .. you endorse this, you accept as normal hence you have this shite if a situation

also have you been checking his phone regularly? Bet you ll find some gems there

Feck off yourself as you put it so charmingly. I have kids that age, and I can see what they are doing together. So what? It has nothing to do with assault and your description was completely ridiculous.

Plenty of grown adults have zero interest in and have never bothered playing team sports inc. my DH. out of curiosity, why mentioning him and not you? Because he's a man 🙄

You are minimising by calling it "rough housing and messing about" even if you are also angry at your DS for doing it. Not all 12 year olds would engage in this behaviour. This is not normal. They piled on top of the victim, and in an environment where he should have an expectation of being safe. The victim will have been in physical pain, had trouble breathing and felt humiliated. Probably now suffering psychological after effects. The fact that your DS and the victim are apparently on good terms again means nothing - how many adult victims of domestic abuse etc are too scared to leave? A child is even less equipped to deal with this.

The best thing you can do for your DS is to make it clear the behaviour is unacceptable by punishing him at home, accepting what consequences the school imposes and ensuring he is supported / represented appropriately throughout any legal processes. Make him apologise when appropriate (a lawyer might advise waiting to see how the police investigation goes, but it should definitely happen at some point). Minimising or excusing his behaviour or allowing / encouraging him to avoid consequences will do him no favours in the longer term.

So he has basically admitted his guilt. He was one of the kids piling on and it went too far - if that's all it was. He/they can't lay the blame on one child, they are all responsible I'm afraid.

A joke for who? Sounds like a gang of kids bullying and beating up another child, who is probably scared to grass. All DS can do is accept his punishment whatever it may be and learn from this. You should also be punishing him.

What is the school's definition of serious assault? You say they were messing around. Was it one punch by one boy or several punches by the same boy or other boys.

Some boys do fight. I live near a secondary school and often witness boys messing around jumping on each other and then they chase each other.

The best thing you could possibly do for your son is to make him take responsibility here. It does children absolutely no good to minimise their behaviour. It doesn't matter if they were the 'main' bully, a hanger on, or even just standing laughing at the sidelines. He contributed to somebody being hurt and I can guarantee you that the victim wouldn't find the 'joke' funny. You need to tell him what he did was wrong, full stop, and support the school in their consequence.

Interesting semantics. Yes only a given number of young men fight. And your point is?

A bully physically attacked me more than once when I was 17 or 18. Never told anyone. Deeply regretted never getting the f*er thrown into prison or at least getting a criminal record!

Things we do ..or don't do ..when we're young🙄

Was the assault sexual?

He needs to tell you everything before it comes out anyway.

I understand that you are horrified. I would be too, my DS is 10, much bigger than his peers, I hope with all my heart that he'll step in and try prevent the attack or tell a teacher before it occurs.

My small nephew who is gay was brutalised in school, if just one of the popular boys stepped in to stop it, he would have been saved.

Standing there, with knowledge of the attack is just as bad, as without the crowd, the bully would be powerless.

I would ground my DS for eternity.

Is DS the only one school are talking to or are they talking to the whole group involved in the initial pile-on?If only him someone, probably more than one, has named him as the one responsible.
He's admitted to be involved in the pile on, did he try to stop whatever happened next, or to help the victim?

So I would say your son and other boy should be fixed term excluded while they investigate. The school should then gather witness statements, cctv review and speak to the victim again. They then will decide on what to do. A PEX (permanent exclusion) might be the outcome if your son is found to have been violent. Also the family and school can involve the police. A managed move could also be explored but the local authority might need to be involved. A PEX can be appealed via the governors.

Also do not approach the victims family as this will be poorly viewed by the school. Rough play and rough housing is not tolerated at my school and students have been fixed term excluded and PEXed

A joke, messing around, you're excusing your brute son and his cronies.

Is there no cctv?

Our school made it very clear that "piling on" wasn't allowed and would be punished due to the risk of real damage from being jumped on by multiple kids ("broken back" rings a bell) This would have been around 1970 so a rather more robust world than today in many ways.

12 is old enough to know better and I'm afraid I don't think you're getting the full story from him OP.

If the shoe was on the other foot like hell would you be excusing your son saying oh it was just a pile on and boys play heavily. Your son is a bully and frankly I hope the school throw the book at him. Bullies deserve the punishment they get.

A permanent exclusion would need to be agreed by governors, with a representative of the local education authority on the panel. It's not something the head can decide unilaterally.

I know.

It was a serious assault and your DS admits to being there and being involved with a group of children in the attack.
You say he wouldn't be capable but you know he was involved, and he's not telling you everything.
Doesn't sound like he's been wrongly accused.