DS accused of assault

[Distraught2025]

Please be gentle as I am in pieces. Basically I was informed by school yesterday they are investigating a serious assault against a Y7 boy. DS was alleged to have been involved, DS admits he was there but denied it was him that assaulted the boy and named another boy. In the meeting DS came across as sullen and shifty which the school have pointed out doesn't help his case. The victim isn't sure who attacked him.

Without going into details, I am beyond horrified and I feel for the victim. I am 95% sure DS isn't capable of this, he is not a cruel boy but I could imagine him getting carried away in the moment. Why didn't DS tell me at the time? Could be be capable of this? Am I deluding myself? I spent ages pleading with DS to just tell the truth, asking if he was scared, saying I will stand by him whatever but he denies, denies, denies.

I desperately want to support him but can see he is not telling me everything. Police and being expelled have been mentioned
The school are continuing their investigation, meanwhile I am in bits fearing for his future. I can barely look at DS but how can I support him?
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Boys and girls, of that age, often fight. No need for massive dramas. 🙄

Doing something dangerous/ upsetting to someone else just because "it's fun" "everyone does it" doesn't make it ok. The victim will still have been scared and could have faced serious injuries. It's for the school and/or police to investigate, assess the effect on the victim then assign overall blame and punishment (though all involved in the assault should also face consequences at home) but those saying that it's ok cos they've seen it done or that 'everyone' does it for fun are irresponsible idiots. It's not ok or fun for the victim. Not everyone does it because most people know better.

If he was there, the law of joint enterprise applies if it can be prosecuted.

Im so sorry, you must be devastated. Have you watched 'Adolescence'? Of course it features a murder but it also features a boy saying he didnt do it, and yet he did. Might open up some conversations with your son.

My nephew caused plenty of trouble at school - nothing violent but he was accused of stealing. And he did the same at our house. And even though I knew he'd done it, you would have sworn he was innocent, he was that good. And nothing would make him admit to what he did - nothing.

I would suggest you look into some kind of therapeutic support for your son regardless of what happens. It sounds like he is at best a follower who wants to be in with the gang and at worst.....so he could benefit from some input. Equine therapy if he won't speak to a counsellor. Good luck.

I would worry that much as you want to help him you are not and it might be better to leave it to the school. He obviously knows you have a certain view of him and struggle to consider any other view. I think you may inadvertently be making it harder for him to tell you.

Make an appointment with the school and get everything they know before you talk to him again.

He needs to tell them what happened.

He needs to give the name of the person who did hurt the boy and give as much information as he can.

It’s not rough housing it’s assault. You are still minimising. Like the phrase boys will be boys. The person involved could have suffocated and died.

Retired teacher here. A girl started getting abusive towards me. I de-escalated as best I could, including walking backwards out of the classroom door so I could give her space yet still observe the class. She came out and sprayed cleaning fluid on my face: this was recorded on CCTV. She was given a one-day exclusion. I reported it to the police. I don't think anything happened; the officer said he'd pursue it but I think he forgot.

@Distraught2025 : chances are, even if your son is involved, this won't go very far. If he was involved and you're a decent parent, which I'm sure you are, you should give him the bollocking of his life and ensure him that, if this happens again, he'll be going to a different school.

Not to say that school are wrong, but my DD was accused of being responsible for a fight in her classroom.
The boy and girl involved said she had hit the boy and kicked the girl while the teacher was out of the classroom. Neither had a mark on them.
What actually happened was DD was repeatedly kicked by the boy while the girl held onto her arm, and then punched in the gut. No one else reported because the two thugs involved were feared
What made it worse was because DD wouldn't admit their story, a male teacher took her out of a class, into a class on his own and she said he interrogated her, threatening in her face that the school didn't like liars

In the end it was the bruising that came up on her that proved them liars but DD had already spent a day in isolation and been kept in after school until 4pm- I wasn't even told about this until she failed to come home at her normal time and I panicked and rang school.

We got an apology from the headteacher but I demanded the male teacher be dealt with, he was suspended for two weeks which I found to be a cop out but he then left at the end of the year.

If the child isn't sure who attacked him,the school believing your son is shifty isn't proof, he could well be scared of the others involved.

You sound like you are minimising this…

A girl at my primary school ended up in a full torso cast with a broken back after a pile on. Everyone was getting up and a lad who had just missed it ran up and jumped on her. They were younger and it clearly wasn't malicious, so no punishment from the school. His parents made him look after her when she returned to school (she thankfully made a full recovery) and they ended up being good friends. Very lucky.

Exactly the point that I made in my post.

OP said he has named the person he said did it

It’s not messing around to pile on top of another child. Don’t minimise what has happened.

To those saying that all kids/boys fight, no they don’t. Some do, and are fine with the roughhousing, but others don’t. So when those that like that kind of physical play engage in it with others who are not used to it, it can go very wrong quickly. Roughousing should only ever be done between kids/boys who give their consent, which can be withdrawn any time and the others stop immediately as they can read body language and know the rules. I see this a lot in the older years of the primary school I work in, where 9/10 times it descends into a fall-out simply because a child complains to the other they were too rough, that one then gets defensive, others join in taking sides and we then have an actual fight start. Some boys haven’t developed impulse control or they lack self confidence to simply walk away or ‘lose face’. It’s very status heavy.

If this lad has been jumped from behind by a group then that isn’t an activity that has consent.
(IANAL)

Someone I know was so traumatised by being "piled on" in their last year at primary that they are still freaked out by it more than 50 years later.

They've had to leave gigs, crowded pubs, clubs etc, generally anywhere where people are crammed together. They can't use the tube or trains at peak times.

It is a truly horrible thing to do to someone.

I’m editing my answer as it was worded incorrectly.

it sounds like he is very much involved as in not just a witness. Even if he didn’t throw a punch etc he is still a perpetrator of the assault as it began with the pile on (if I’m understanding correctly)

such an extreme reaction means there are deeper problems than a "pile on"

“He’s no angel”

“It was a joke”

“I can imagine him carrying on”

“It’s the second time”

He knows what happened, he was fully involved, and I think you both know it.

This is a hysterical, melodramatic response.

something horrific has happened to another child

OP hasn't said what's happened to the other child apart from the pile on. She's said that the child has been 'fine' with her son since the incident, and that they were friends before. Something has happened, but 'horrific' is a ridiculous stretch.

and not only does your son know exactly what happened but is refusing to tell you and is trying to get away with..

You have no idea what her son 'knows'. He's already named the boy he says did it. He could have seen everything or nothing. He could be telling the truth about the boy who did it, or he could be throwing him under the bus to save his own skin.

Point being, if you assume the worst and treat him like he's guilty, he's hardly going to open up about it.

I would not be telling my son I’d stand by him regardless, he should be in his room.. No phone, no iPad, no anything.

Why would you not stand by your child in this situation? It's a bit of rough and tumble at school that got out of hand, he hasn't killed anyone.

From the information OP has given this is seemingly out of the ordinary for her son. All that overreacting, shutting him away and not standing by him the first time he slips up is going to do is ensure that he never feels comfortable in coming to her in the future.

My parents always made it clear that they would have my back through anything, but in return they demanded absolute honesty. This doesn't mean that they covered for me, or that I wasn't punished.

He needs to understand that he needs to help fix whatever has happened to another child because it’s clearly something horrific before the police turn up at your door.

He's already named the boy he says did it, and apparently reconciled with the boy who got hurt. Assuming he's telling the truth, what else do you want him to 'fix'? OP has already given him 'the talk' and will punish him for being involved in the pile on.

It is not 'clearly something horrific' - if the boy had been hurt badly enough to warrant police involvement, this would have already happened.

I wonder what action the victim (and his parents) want to take against those involved and investigations by the school and police.

There is A LOT of melodrama on this thread. But remember, it's MN where some posters are horrified and call you abusive if you leave a 17 year old at home alone...

Doesn’t sound like a joke. Sounds like a group of boys physically bullying someone 🤷‍♀️. I’m sure the boys will say it was banter/a joke but the victim obviously disagrees.

If it was my dc i wouldn't be interested in "supporting him" more punishing him. Regardless if the attacker was him he was involved in presumably goading someone and from updates part of a pile on. He would also be punished for not telling anyone, failing to stop the act and as u said clearly withholding information. As a parent I wouldn't also be questioning were perhaps I have gone wrong. Not blaming u OP but what friendship group does he have, have u noticed any behaviour beforehand and is he aware to not be a bully this needs to be enforced day in day out with kids now a day the whole world is changing too fast now a days

Are police actually involved, or is the threat of police being used as a way to scare your son into giving information?

It doesn’t sound like they have any actual evidence against your son, or even an allegation by the victim specifically naming your son.

That he isn’t saying anything doesn’t mean he was responsible or involved beyond being a bystander. It can be as simple as not wanting to put a target on his own back and becoming a social pariah by being perceived to be a ‘snitch’.