Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

Has she felt up your partner before? How has he addressed this with her?

She grabs men's arses? WTF? That's not normal behavior. Does your fiancé think it is?

If the roles were reversed and a male were groping females as “banter” and it was all “sorry if you’re offended”, there would be outrage. DP needs to get a grip and respect your wishes. Groping “banter” is never cool, regardless of who it’s from.

She doesn’t get an invite.

She's his friend, however ghastly she is, and he wants to invite her. Everyone has friends their partner doesn't like. They just come with the territory.

YANBU.

Ask him how he'd feel if another man was grabbing your arse. Then ask him how he'd feel if he did it in front of all his friends and family at your wedding.

Would he like them all seeing his new wife being groped by another man, whilst you stand gaily laughing?

Then tell him you are not prepared to risk having your friends and family witness him being groped by another woman at your wedding.

See what he says to that.

If I saw that happen at my friend's wedding, I'd very discreetly take them to one side and very quietly make sure they left immediately.

She's not "one of lads" she's desperate for attention. Your wedding - the attention should be on you and DH.

She's a creep and I wouldn't want to.inflict her on my male friends, in the same way that I wouldn't want to inflict a handsy male on my female friends. Especially at a wedding, where handsy people might feel even more at liberty that at other times. Does your finance really want to risk a scene, when she fingers someone who doesn't know her and doesn't consider that appropriate behaviour?

Why on earth would anyone think it's ok to grope other people/their partners without "permission"??

she sounds odd...

if you have to assume she can't behave with any sense of propriety then don't invite her

YANBU. Fuck that! But to be honest with you I wouldn't really want to marry someone that has friends like that.

Great start to the marriage Op

He says she’s just always been like it. It’s how she is and it doesn’t mean anything. I see it as pick me behaviour- and she does mean something by it (in the past i compared her to a dog pissing on a tree to mark territory-she does it because she can, and likes the fact she can)

She does it to most of the men in the group. Women on the team say it’s just the way she is, wives of men on the team hate it, but don’t want to fall out with the team

Is your DP actually friends with her? Or just knows her through the sports club?

Who has been voting that yabu? Yanbu.

It's his wedding too. If he wants her there as part of that friendship group I think she should be invited.
He's marrying you, that's what matters. I very much doubt there'll be any arse grabbing of the groom.

Good for you OP on your honesty and cutting through the bullshit "I'm not inviting Janet because I don't like her and that's the end of it". If people don't like it fuck them.

And what has your husband to be said about this? You said you didn't want her at the wedding and what - he's pushing you to have her there?

she did before we got together. She did it once in front of me and i completely lost my shit. Hence the “I’m really sorry if I offended you, it’s just how we’ve always been”. I’ve kept my distance for a few years, because I can’t stand her, aside from the sexual behaviour she is very full on and attention seeking.

Are you think judgemental about his Male friends, or just her?

If the men on the team (including your husband) didn’t like it, they would ask her to stop.

If you haven’t seen her in 3 years, how do you know she’s “groping” your husband.

TBH, whole thing smacks of misogyny..

…and it’s your husbands day too, if you are vetoing his friends, he should be allowed to do the same to yours .. for any reason.

He is saying that it will look odd to everyone else if she isn’t invited and he doesn’t want to cause drama or gossip. Basically he wants her there as someone he’s know since primary school, but knows better than to say that, so is dressing it up as a team thing, he can’t just not invite one person.

So one actually friends with her?

You must love it when he goes out for social events with this sports club!

She sounds annoying as fuck and I don’t blame you for not liking her, but if it would put your husband in a difficult position I’d let her come for his sake. The relationship between the two of you is more important

I’d say she loves how much headspace you’re giving this, OP.

People who thrive on negative attention from others LOVE being given the opportunity to act the victim. I wouldn’t want to give her the satisfaction.

If you haven’t seen her in three years, she may have changed and matured. If not, she’ll only embarrass herself- you and your DP will barely see any of your guests during the day itself, so let her get on with whatever cringey behaviour she likes.

I see it as pick me behaviour

fgs it’s not “pick me” behaviour…. It’s groping and inappropriate behaviour.

Would you call it that if it was a man behaving like this to women?

Disliking an irritating, attention-seeking boundary-crosser is nothing to do with misogyny FFS.