Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

Sounds good to me OP. Have a great day.

Good compromise. Well done to sticking to your guns.

I am glad you had a sensible outcome. It certainly sounds like he doesn't approve of her behaviour so hopefully this will have given him (and maybe others) the nudge not to ignore it. Have a happy day!

I’m taking about calling a woman a “pick me”, which is used ime to put women down who act too “masculine”, or who prefer the company of men to women, or who enjoy traditionally masculine sports or to even those who just flirting etc etc etc etc. None of which are problematic behaviours that need “calling out”. And people feeling free to call people out can be a good thing, it can also be an extremely negative thing depending on who’s doing the “calling out” and why. It can lead to oppression and stereotyping and bullying etc so it shouldn’t be accepted by society as if it’s always a positive. I don’t like the “pick me” trope as much as I don’t like the “Karen” one. They are ways to put women down and keep them in their box. And there are ways to complain about behaviour without using them.

...and why you marrying him op .. honestly walk from so called friend and soon to be ex fiance or husband ..life too short for this..

Just to add although it’s not the point of this thread that I also don’t believe it is men’s responsibility to call out other men either. Like women are not one homogenous group responsible for the behaviour of each other, men aren’t either. And there may be multiple very good reasons why they don’t “call out” other men’s behaviour either generally or in any particular moment. Why do they have to be the responsible behaviour police, otherwise they become guilty of the same crime? That’s a really weird leap. People are responsible for their own behaviour, it’s not the responsibility of anyone else to monitor or resolve poor behaviour by someone else, unless they are in a position of authority where that is appropriate/required. It should not be a requirement of any individual to take on or resolve society-wide issues. If they want to, that’s great, big pat on the back but many people are struggling to deal with their own immediate, often fundamental, problems, they either have the capability not the bandwidth to solve society’s ills! If you are struggling to put food on the table or with significant caring responsibilities, or a mental health condition or a million other things we have to deal with in modern life, then talking on structural and institutional sexism and misogyny might seem a bit much.

I can empathise with how you feel, but look, she can feel him up all she likes - he’s marrying you, so she would only be making herself look a desperate fool

Good for you for having boundaries and a spine when others havent.

I agree with you saying plainly why she isn't invitrd

My SIL behaves like this when she's drunk - which she is often. I no longer see my brother because he tries (I think pathetically) to turn a blind eye to or excuse her behaviour. I just can't stand it - it's disturbing to see and im my opinion, humiliates him. So I just don't see either of them. At all.

Tell Hubby to be that she's a vile harpy with wandering hands and that she's categorically not welcome. He'll get over it.

She is his friend and he wants her at the wedding so I’d invite her. Personally I wouldn’t want them to have a shared grievance against you, it makes you look petty and jealous.

I’m glad you got it figured out, @BarbourAnne

I hope your wedding is happy and full of bliss and your reception is full of champagne and happiness.
And I hope your day shows a shows a shocking lack of drama.
Congratulations.
Sending love. ❤️

Glad it's OK now, and you've sorted it out @BarbourAnne All the best, and I hope you and your husband-to-be will be very happy.