Page 5 | Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

BarbourAnne · 2025-06-20T14:15:17+00:00

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable. DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there. Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her. Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”. He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour. I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour. When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

tuvamoodyson · 20/06/2025 16:20

CunningLinguist1 · 20/06/2025 16:14

You don't like her, fair enough.

Your partner does, they're friends. Comes w. the territory.

Losing your shit at her for an arse grab does sound terribly insecure though. Lads being lads do it - she's a girl in the lad group. Big whoop. If she grabbed YOUR ass and you didn't like it - totes different of course.

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So you lost your shit, did your boyfriend lose his too at her?

Needsomeadvice2234 · 20/06/2025 16:20

CosyNavyLeader · 20/06/2025 16:08

My advice-

You need to speak to some of the other wives and girlfriends who are attending the wedding who knows what her behaviour is like and what to look out for. You need support in this situation. Ask them what they would do. Their stance would be better than a bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know the context so well.

Secondly, you need to approach this woman beforehand and let her know "you are only invited to this wedding because you are my husbands friend. We are not friends. I do not like you. And if you lay one hand on any male other than your own partner, you will be escorted out from the wedding and a taxi will be arranged to take you home"

Please stand your ground.

This - and make sure she comes with her husband or not at all. And if she touches yours....punch her 😉

godmum56 · 20/06/2025 16:21

Blobbitymacblob · 20/06/2025 16:17

I don’t think YABU but I think most people end up with a few people invited to their wedding that they’d really rather weren’t there.

And you say you don’t want a “pick me” but you’ve set this up as a situation where the groom has to pick either your feelings or hers (team gossip).

Get him involved in the seating plan. Oh we can’t sit Handsy Hannah with the team because the one of the wives might kick off, and we can’t put her in earshot of vicar or Auntie X because they would be shocked. Is she too loud to be beside deaf Uncle Y, he wouldn’t be able to use his hearing aid, etc. Contextualise her behaviour in a wider audience to make it clear how inappropriate and uncool this all is.

on your actual wedding day let alone all of married life, surely the partner's feelings come first. As others have said, I don't think I could marry a man who could tolerate, let alone justify such behaviour from a woman or a man.

Glittertwins · 20/06/2025 16:22

Sounds like someone I know, even down to approximate age and I don’t disagree with the OP at all.

Polewaxed · 20/06/2025 16:25

Let’s be honest, it’s not “banter”, because men don’t, in the main, grope each other for fun. She just likes groping men and gets a sexual thrill out of it, and knows she gets away with it by attributing it to “bantz”. If she were a man, groping women, she’d (rightly) be reported to the police.

Original poster

BarbourAnne · 20/06/2025 16:25

tuvamoodyson · 20/06/2025 16:20

So you lost your shit, did your boyfriend lose his too at her?

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As soon as he realised I didn’t see it as “banter” he told her to stop. He didn’t “lose his shit” like I did, but he did put an immediate stop to it. Which is why she apologised if she offended me.

OP posts:

LilacReader · 20/06/2025 16:26

I'm actually a little torn here. I've always had male friends first before female - a lot less drama and 'sometimes' bitchiness BUT saying that, I do not think it's OK to invade anyone's personal space - male or female. I keep hearing this 'pick me' quote for women like me and it's not about wanting to be one of the boys to get other girls jealous etc, it's more about men are generally so much more easy going. If you don't contact them for a month as you're busy, or you put your foot in it, men don't hold a grudge, they just move on. You don't seem to like her for whatever reason, mainly because she's a girl in a mans world?

But as I said, she should never be pinching anyone's arse - no matter how much she's joking. But I do think that's a slight husband to be problem in that he can't tell her to stop if it is hurting your feelings. Maybe he needs to for your sake but I do think she should be invited to the wedding.

Twitchitch · 20/06/2025 16:27

BarbourAnne · 20/06/2025 16:10

40-50. Shes at the upper end, which is why “of course she doesn’t mean anything by it she’s been married for years”

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You are joking.

seriously

so we have a sex pest for a friend
we have a couple getting married who are arguing and reached stale mate over sex pest guest because fiancé is worried about losing his team mates

i mean…. No words

Namechangean · 20/06/2025 16:27

She sounds like a nightmare and I understand your POV, but if I was your husband I’d want to invite her as she is part of a group and excluding her is uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t like my DP telling me I’m not ‘allowed’ to invite someone to my own wedding. I’d hope they’d accept that guest for my comfort as you won’t need to even talk to her at the wedding. She will be in her friendship group and you will be busy.

Twitchitch · 20/06/2025 16:28

CosyNavyLeader · 20/06/2025 16:12

Jeeeeez. This behaviour from an almost 50 year old?

I genuinely visualised a 20 something year old.

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But even if the op had said everyone involved in in their twenties, I still would have thought WTAF!!

LilacReader · 20/06/2025 16:28

LilacReader · 20/06/2025 16:26

I'm actually a little torn here. I've always had male friends first before female - a lot less drama and 'sometimes' bitchiness BUT saying that, I do not think it's OK to invade anyone's personal space - male or female. I keep hearing this 'pick me' quote for women like me and it's not about wanting to be one of the boys to get other girls jealous etc, it's more about men are generally so much more easy going. If you don't contact them for a month as you're busy, or you put your foot in it, men don't hold a grudge, they just move on. You don't seem to like her for whatever reason, mainly because she's a girl in a mans world?

But as I said, she should never be pinching anyone's arse - no matter how much she's joking. But I do think that's a slight husband to be problem in that he can't tell her to stop if it is hurting your feelings. Maybe he needs to for your sake but I do think she should be invited to the wedding.

Sorry, just seen he has told her to stop. So all good I hope x

Twitchitch · 20/06/2025 16:29

BarbourAnne · 20/06/2025 16:25

As soon as he realised I didn’t see it as “banter” he told her to stop. He didn’t “lose his shit” like I did, but he did put an immediate stop to it. Which is why she apologised if she offended me.

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But he’s had 3 years of socialising with her without your present?

BatchCookBabe · 20/06/2025 16:31

BarbourAnne · 20/06/2025 16:10

40-50. Shes at the upper end, which is why “of course she doesn’t mean anything by it she’s been married for years”

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Bloody hell! I was imagining you were all late 20s/early 30s. A woman hurtling towards the door of 50 who behaves like this is utterly grim. 💀

Not great at any age obviously, but purely vile at middle age!

CunningLinguist1 · 20/06/2025 16:33

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Namechangean · 20/06/2025 16:33

LilacReader · 20/06/2025 16:26

I'm actually a little torn here. I've always had male friends first before female - a lot less drama and 'sometimes' bitchiness BUT saying that, I do not think it's OK to invade anyone's personal space - male or female. I keep hearing this 'pick me' quote for women like me and it's not about wanting to be one of the boys to get other girls jealous etc, it's more about men are generally so much more easy going. If you don't contact them for a month as you're busy, or you put your foot in it, men don't hold a grudge, they just move on. You don't seem to like her for whatever reason, mainly because she's a girl in a mans world?

But as I said, she should never be pinching anyone's arse - no matter how much she's joking. But I do think that's a slight husband to be problem in that he can't tell her to stop if it is hurting your feelings. Maybe he needs to for your sake but I do think she should be invited to the wedding.

It’s actually the way you’re talking about other women that make people call people like you a pick me.

Men are more laidback. Women are more likely to he bitchy. Men don’t hold a grudge,

It’s the ’Im not like other girls’ attitude. Like what girls? Making general stereotypes about genders when most people are who they are because of their personality not just because of their gender. I’m quite laid back and non-confrontational, my dad is grumpy and holds grudges against his friends for any perceived slight. Now he has no friends. Maybe you’ve had some bad experiences but maybe your general attitude impacts on your ability to be friends with more women

CunningLinguist1 · 20/06/2025 16:34

BarbourAnne · 20/06/2025 16:25

As soon as he realised I didn’t see it as “banter” he told her to stop. He didn’t “lose his shit” like I did, but he did put an immediate stop to it. Which is why she apologised if she offended me.

Show quote history

So why do you reckon she'll start grabbing his arse again - at your wedding?

Nanny0gg · 20/06/2025 16:34

ExtraOnions · 20/06/2025 15:31

Are you think judgemental about his Male friends, or just her?

If the men on the team (including your husband) didn’t like it, they would ask her to stop.

If you haven’t seen her in 3 years, how do you know she’s “groping” your husband.

TBH, whole thing smacks of misogyny..

Disliking one woman isn't misogyny fgs

BatchCookBabe · 20/06/2025 16:34

Namechangean · 20/06/2025 16:27

She sounds like a nightmare and I understand your POV, but if I was your husband I’d want to invite her as she is part of a group and excluding her is uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t like my DP telling me I’m not ‘allowed’ to invite someone to my own wedding. I’d hope they’d accept that guest for my comfort as you won’t need to even talk to her at the wedding. She will be in her friendship group and you will be busy.

I think if a particular man was a gropy, perverted, sex pest who grabbed womens breasts, arses, and vulvas, my husband-to-be saying he cannot come is perfectly OK. I would be shocked if any man WAS OK with a man like this at their wedding! Why on earth should he accept/allow a gropy, handsy, pervert for YOUR comfort? Indeed, why would YOU want him there?

CoraPirbright · 20/06/2025 16:34

CosyNavyLeader · 20/06/2025 16:08

My advice-

You need to speak to some of the other wives and girlfriends who are attending the wedding who knows what her behaviour is like and what to look out for. You need support in this situation. Ask them what they would do. Their stance would be better than a bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know the context so well.

Secondly, you need to approach this woman beforehand and let her know "you are only invited to this wedding because you are my husbands friend. We are not friends. I do not like you. And if you lay one hand on any male other than your own partner, you will be escorted out from the wedding and a taxi will be arranged to take you home"

Please stand your ground.

I think this approach is a really good idea. Canvas the other wives and see how they feel. If they back you then you have some support there to go to your fiancé and say “well, John and Jane wont come because Psycho dry-humped him in the pub and got angry with Jane when she protested and then Sarah is uneasy about it as Psycho sits on Jim’s lap. Then Sally is annoyed with the buttock squeezing that is going on in plain view with Bob. And that’s just three couples that I can think of”.

If you tell her she is invited but only on condition that she behaves herself, she will probably get the hump and decline the invitation any way! It’s a win win!

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 20/06/2025 16:34

I'm not sure to be honest. I know in DDs circle of friends, one girl who was a good friend of the groom was not invited to the wedding because his wife to be didnt like her, and it completely altered the group for a long time, because she was so hurt that all the group were celebrating the wedding, and because her friend wouldn't go against his brides wishes, she was out in the cold. I know you have your reasons, but it could be really awkward for your DP, not just on the day, but for a long time afterwards.

CosyNavyLeader · 20/06/2025 16:35

I hope all these replies have reassured you that you are not being unreasonable.

And I truly hope she makes an utter fool of herself one day Infront of everyone and her behaviour is put to an end once and for all.

5128gap · 20/06/2025 16:35

Your husband is a grown man and this is his friend. I'd have thought that the obvious thing would be for him and the other men who find her attentions unwelcome to tell her to stop and end the friendship if she didn't. One woman is no match for a group of men if they decide to act assertively, after all. Unfortunately the problem with women you call 'pick mes' is that its usually only women who have a problem with their behaviour. Men often lap it up, which is why they do it. There should be no reason at all for you to be 'the bad guy' or protect 'your groom' from his friend, because he should have put her straight or binned her a long time ago if he considered her to be assaulting him. I'd be wondering why he hadn't and suggesting that's what he did without delay.

Zezet · 20/06/2025 16:35

I thought you were unreasonable but the more I think about it, YANBU. She is dressing up very bad behaviour as normal, and you have thought through the consequences and are happy to accept them.

So do not invite her and let that be some feedback to her from the universe indeed.

Hope you have a lovely wedding and a wonderful marriage.

herecomethedrums2025 · 20/06/2025 16:36

So your fiance enjoys the attention of an arse grabbing woman and is insisting she attends your wedding.

Maybe re think marrying this creep.

Anyahyacinth · 20/06/2025 16:36

TotalLuddite · 20/06/2025 15:23

She's his friend, however ghastly she is, and he wants to invite her. Everyone has friends their partner doesn't like. They just come with the territory.

Yes but those friends don't typically perpetrate behaviours that could ruin the day