Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

Don't have anyone at your wedding you don't want. You'll live to regret it. DH was persuaded to include his friend's absolute cunt of a fiance. He was a dick. Didn't ruin the wedding but there is his gurning face in the background of our vows.

How old are you all op?

My advice-

You need to speak to some of the other wives and girlfriends who are attending the wedding who knows what her behaviour is like and what to look out for. You need support in this situation. Ask them what they would do. Their stance would be better than a bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know the context so well.

Secondly, you need to approach this woman beforehand and let her know "you are only invited to this wedding because you are my husbands friend. We are not friends. I do not like you. And if you lay one hand on any male other than your own partner, you will be escorted out from the wedding and a taxi will be arranged to take you home"

Please stand your ground.

Behaviour like that has consequences,one of them being she is not invited to your wedding.

I really want to use the phrase ‘Sharon and her fiddly fingers’ in everyday conversation 😂

40-50. Shes at the upper end, which is why “of course she doesn’t mean anything by it she’s been married for years”

Crumbs, not over it by 40-50? Dreadful!

he wants his friends to like you and this means putting up with Gropey Mc Gropeface? I have no idea how she manages to grope the team's balls as none of them seem to have any.

I think that actually makes it worse a Handsy Hannah at nearly 50!!

I was thinking some stupid 20ish year old who should know better but is playing the ditsy card still like a high school kid.

Jeeeeez. This behaviour from an almost 50 year old?

I genuinely visualised a 20 something year old.

If there have actually been rows over this then surely this is not an unexpected consequence?

She, and the rest of the team, must have seen it coming? In which case she can hardly be upset about it

Is her husband going to be invited too? Can DH to be have a word with him and ask him to keep her in line?

I said I think she is inappropriate. But I wonder if they don’t feel comfortable. I am surprised that that amount of men, all feeling uncomfortable, have said nothing.

Edit - OP has mentioned her behaviour AND. a few of the group which suggests some of them actively encourage/join in. That is what I am getting at.

Yanbu.
If she was really their friend she would respect their wives and not cross boundaries all the time

You are trying to pick his friends and this will cause an issue in his friends group

at least be honest about it

Ooh no, no invite for her! My H's female best friend is kind of the same. All her friends bar one are male, she doesn't grope but flirts outrageously with anyone with a penis (despite being in a long term relationship...), she talks about 'boy stuff' (I know interests don't belong to one sex but I got fucking sick of listening to her drone on to H about cars, football and wrestling).

She essentially completely blanked me every time we saw her just to snuggle up to H on the sofa while I get the armchair and ramble on at H about their shared (pre-me - we've been married years and years!) history - always the same anecdotes too - and the aforementioned interests. Never made any effort to get to know me at all.

She also performatively burps and farts which her male friends all apparently find hilarious 🤢

I've never, ever done this before (my H's friends are mainly female and my ex used to have cinema nights and even sleepovers with his female friends who were actually exes! I'm not naturally jealous at all though H thinks I am about this dickhead. Really, really not - I just don't like her! But I explained my reasoning and told H I didn't want to see her, didn't want to have her at the flat when I'm there etc. He's free to do what he wants when I'm out, go to the pub or this friend's home etc, but I'm sick of having someone totally ignore me and burp and fart and get drunk on cheap strong cider constantly in my own home.

She then proceeded to threaten to 'rip me limb from limb' via FB (she's now blocked and I'd like to see her fucking try 🤣)

You don't like her, fair enough.

Your partner does, they're friends. Comes w. the territory.

Losing your shit at her for an arse grab does sound terribly insecure though. Lads being lads do it - she's a girl in the lad group. Big whoop. If she grabbed YOUR ass and you didn't like it - totes different of course.

Let him invite her on the understanding that he has to have a serious conversation with her about her behaviour first.

Good Lord. She's in her late 40s?

I think you can exclude her, if not because you don't like her (he does and it's his wedding too) then because she doesn't know how to behave and is likely to ruin the day, not just for you but for any poor unfortunate man who gets suddenly felt up against his wishes, and any partner who might be with him. I think it's more than reasonable not to invite someone who's likely to be a menace to other guests and really has absolutely no excuse. If the worst thing she was likely to do was to bore the pants off everyone with fishing stories, that's what the alcohol is for. Inappropriate and unwanted arse grabbing is another level. It's assault.

Since you're happy to be the heavy, go with that.

Can’t she just come for the evening, not the ceremony or the meal

maybe he has no balls either

Perfectly reasonable to exclude this kind of behaviour from your wedding, or any other gathering. Also, a wedding is mainly the bride's day and the bride has the final say, including on the guest list. Others can express an opinion but any event needs one person to arbitrate when there's a difference of opinion, for a wedding that person is the bride.

Eh. Do you know what misogyny means?
The misuse of that word on this site is proper cringe 🤪

I don’t think YABU but I think most people end up with a few people invited to their wedding that they’d really rather weren’t there.

And you say you don’t want a “pick me” but you’ve set this up as a situation where the groom has to pick either your feelings or hers (team gossip).

Get him involved in the seating plan. Oh we can’t sit Handsy Hannah with the team because the one of the wives might kick off, and we can’t put her in earshot of vicar or Auntie X because they would be shocked. Is she too loud to be beside deaf Uncle Y, he wouldn’t be able to use his hearing aid, etc. Contextualise her behaviour in a wider audience to make it clear how inappropriate and uncool this all is.