Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

Agree. She's a sex pest, dressing it up as friendly banter like any other sex pest.

You can always hope she's grown up in the three years since you saw her.

She’s groping and completely inappropriate sexual behaviour

Basically he wants her there as someone he’s know since primary school, but knows better than to say that, so is dressing it up as a team thing, he can’t just not invite one person.

"He knows better than to say that". Really? You won't allow him to be honest and to call her a friend?

She’s a sex pest. No misogyny involved with excluding her. And no, don’t feel guilty about making things uncomfortable—this is a direct consequence of her actions. She’s in the FO phase of FAFO.

I’ve no idea what you mean by “ pick me” behaviour. The Pick Me dance usually refers to someone who is trying to win back a cheating partner.
I think you just don’t like her. Fair enough. But if you are adamant she can’t come to the wedding please be prepared for your partner to say the same thing about a friend or relative of yours .And you’d have yo suck it up and not invite them too.

He can call her a friend. I don’t stop him seeing her or going to socials when she is there. I do draw the line at paying for her dinner on a day that is supposed to be about me and my partner.

So she sexually assaults men but it’s ok because that’s just who she is…

Wow.

If she was a man someone’s chap would have lamped them by now or there would have been an actual report for sexual assault. But people don’t see sexual assault by women to men as the same for some reason.

Your dh should read some or most of these comments.

Would it be ok if you had a male friend that grabbed your tits or vulva or arse and invited you to sit on his lap because it’s just how he is or would he think it’s inappropriate.

The more you resist the more it persists.
I would honestly let her embarrass herself at your wedding and then everybody will see what you've already seen. She'll probably get very drunk and act out if she's that sort of person.
Path of least resistance. Sounds like a cop out but it's a well thought out strategy.

Well I can't really give you advice because I wouldn't be marrying a man who excuses a friend who sexually assaults other people. My husband wouldn't be friends with someone like this any more than I would. "It's just the way she is" isn't an acceptable excuse in my opinion.

I don' know what "pick me" behavior means. You keep using that term. But anyway I don't know how to advise you if your fiancé really doesn't see it as a problem.

wives of men on the team hate it

You need to erm, talk to the wives? Speak to their husbands? I don’t know, but I think the answer might be through the wives somehow. Is it all just kept quiet for the benefits of ‘the team’ then? Can you speak about it openly, then the wives might feel emboldened to join in?

My DH has a friend like this from university. I had only met her once before the wedding and she was exactly how you describe your DP's friend. The next time she was in the area I told my DH (fiance at the time) to go by himself (with other mutual friends) as I had no interest in seeing her. My DH nipped outside to give me a call to check in, she followed him outside and I heard her on the other end of the phone telling him to 'hang up on the princess' and ribbing him for becoming boring since he met me. So at this stage I actively disliked her.
I did object to her coming to the wedding but DH seemed to think it would make things awkward, I didn't care enough about her to put up a fight about it and let him invite her. She heckled the whole way through the speeches, brought up to my mother that DH had slept with a lot of people at university (over 15 years before he met me, but still distasteful) and got so drunk she vomited outside the venue before spending the rest of the evening crying in her bedroom (that we paid for!)
That being said I am glad she came because on the whole it didn't dampen my day and DH has now seen her for what she is and hasn't seen her since.

If I were you, Unless you genuinely feel she could sexually assault someone, I would decide whether it was worth the hassle of arguing with your fiance over it, I am sure you have so many other things that are so much more important and enjoyable for you to focus on. This is your day, people won't be focussing on her and 'pick me' attitudes generally go down badly at weddings, let her show her true colours. Hope you have a beautiful day :-).

Basically he wants her there as someone he’s know since primary school, but knows better than to say that,

I would have said that's a better reason to invite her than the team thing to be honest.

Everyone else on the team will probably be really relieved if they discover she isn't invited, and all their wives and partners will be in awe of you!

If you cave in, I would say to him that she has one single chance - if she starts groping people again, you will ask her to leave immediately.

Judging by the pictures of her and two of the other men on their last social night out she hasn’t . Her behaviour upsets a lot of the other girlfriends and wives as well and I just can do without the drama. Normally wives and girlfriends aren’t there, so we don’t often see it first hand- when we do it usually results in some kind of row

Just because wives and girlfriends aren't there, why do the men who are there think it's in any way acceptable and why haven't they called her out on it?

I just wouldn't invite any of the team then. “We are keeping it small, just family.”

and why haven't they called her out on it?

Mmm. Good question.

Op does he actually regard her as a friend? You say known since primary. I’m guessing that she’s a friend and not just someone at the club that he feels he should invite but rather he wants to invite.

im not clear?

YANBU at all @BarbourAnne I'm sorry if this sounds dramatic, but I would be cancelling this wedding. I couldn't marry a man who disrespects my wishes so much. This woman is a weirdo, an attention-seeker, and a sex pest. She sounds hideous, and frankly, she sounds like she's a sandwich short of a picnic. You tell your DH she is NOT coming, and if he insists, the wedding is off, because he clearly gives zero fucks for your feelings.

“Dave, it’s 2025–8 years after the #MeToo movement. We’re not inviting people to our wedding who do not respect boundaries and will grope other guests as “banter”—too many of the wives have complained over the years, and there’s always a row when Sharon and her fiddly fingers are around. I don’t want the drama at our wedding.”

This all sounds horrible

the friend
the sports club
and the relationship between the Op and fiance

I would be prepared to cancel the wedding for this. Your DH is an arsehole for even entertaining her behaviour. They all probably enjoy the attention and all the wives have been conditioned to stay "cool" and say nothing.

So they all think sexual assault is ok???

Tell him you don’t want a predator at your wedding. He can decide what’s more important to him. Standing up and just saying my wife doesn’t like you. Your behaviour is not appropriate so no you aren’t invited. Or… don’t get married. Simple!

She sounds a fucking dumb idiot. Like fuck would I have her at my wedding!