Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

I think some of the men enjoy it, some hate it but put up with it because they don’t want to be seen as “wet” or under the thumb. I think my DP gets away with telling her no now because I don’t like it- rather than him being the one to have the issue

Oh yeah, I know her type OP. "Look at me, I'm sooo one of the lads. I get on way better with men than women" which loosely translates as "a group of women wouldn't put up with my fucking attention seeking, obnoxious behaviour". Tell your DH it's either her or the wedding.

Yep, this. ^ And this is what I said earlier. I would not be marrying a man who wanted this vile woman at our wedding, despite me saying I don't want her there.

She’s a sex pest

if it was a man grabbing woman’s bums ans boobs it would be outrageous.

so why isn’t it the same with her

it’s not banter

it’s unwanted sexual advances

Can I just ask what her husband makes of her behaviour and also what would her reaction be if all the wife’s and girlfriends groped her husband in front of her, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so funny then.

Let’s be honest here, if she was sexually assaulting the men then it’s very unlikely that they’d all still be friends with her, so it’s not the same thing. The men see her as a friend and they see her actions as ‘banter’. He wants her at the wedding so we only have OPs strong views on the matter, but OPs husband mustn’t think she was crossing a line as he only told her to stop whatever it is she’s doing because OP, unstandabley, didn’t like it. So it’s not the same thing is it

If her being there is more important than your feelings, then you have a problem with him.

I certainly wouldn't want her type at my wedding.

I can't stand gropers of either sex.

Tacky vulgar behaviour.

I would be most concerned that he is so worried about HER feelings on your day.

Have a think about that!

The term ‘pick me girl’ is sexist and offensive. You sound hard work.

It clearly isn’t unwanted is it, as they’ve remained friends with her for a number of years and have never told her to stop

Stick to your guns. Tell her you don't want her there.

God I hate that expression

What's 'hard work' about the OP?

She sounds utterly gross and embarrassing. YANBU at all - her not being invited is a consequence of her own behaviour and your DP needs to have your back on this.

How do you know the men are OK with it? They may be pissed off and disgusted but just not saying anything. And i the OP's husband to be IS OK with this pervy sex pest of a woman, then the OP clearly needs to call off the wedding, because he clearly gives zero fucks about her feelings. The woman is vile, and the OP's fiance appears to be enabling her. Fuck that. Call off the wedding @BarbourAnne

You sounds like you approve of her behaviour @Namechangean Why is that?

I agree this.

This. ^ 'You sound like hard work' is a cheap and nasty - and predictable jibe on here. Old and worn out and overused. Lame.

So your fiance throws you under the bus to some creepy woman because he is scared she might think less of him if he just tells her to f̶u̶c̶k̶ o̶f̶f̶ stop behaving inapproriately.

Wow.

I can see how not inviting only her, when shes part of friendship group he sees regularly, is going to potentially cause a lot of issues for him. It could end up with him ostracised from the group. I can also see why you wouldn't want her there, can you just invite her to the evening do citing numbers?

OP, it's real low class behaviour.

Yanbu to not want that type of behaviour at your wedding.

Sounds like you are marrying down, always a risk IMO!

Or just prioritise his wife to be and not give a fuck what some creepy woman and possible supporters might think.

I’ve no idea what you mean by “ pick me” behaviour. The Pick Me dance usually refers to someone who is trying to win back a cheating partner.

This, But the behaviour you’re describing (ladette?) usually comes from a woman who really wants to be in a relationship with one of the group.

I don’t agree that anyone should be touching someone without consent. I don’t have any friends that act this way, but can imagine the type. Slapping arses etc as a joke. I know sometimes you see the TV shows with men slapping each others bums on a sports team, but times have changed and just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t get with the times and stop acting this way. But let’s not conflate it with someone actually sexually assaulting people. Because my guess is that if she was actually sexually assaulting people she’d have been kicked out the friendship group. She sounds like a nightmare but feel like people are exaggerating by comparing it to a man grabbing someone’s breasts and vulva.

So I’m not saying it’s appropriate, but my opinion comes from being told that I’m not allowed to invite someone to my wedding when it would put me in an uncomfortable position.

Well yeah but OP writes it as a longstanding Team/friendship group and that they are 40-50's, its hard making friends as you get older, loosing these connections might be difficulty for her DP. OP has been ok with him attending events etc for 3 years without her but doesn't want the woman at her wedding, which I do understand, but she needs to understand there may be consequences.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Your fiance either wants to marry you and make sure you have a happy wedding day or he wants to not get married and “keep the team happy and not look bad” tell him to grow a pair ffs!!

If she's going then I'd end it with dp. More concerned about this friends feelings than his wife to be? What a twat.

If her behaviour has made you uncomfortable in the past and she is not friends with you as a couple, I get why you don’t want her there.

I do agree with your dp that it’s a bold move to invite everyone from the team and not her. Maybe there’s another one or two people he can drop too? This is not a perfect solution. The situation is a tricky one.